All in one story!

It is the tale of a third-grade indiscretion that also happens to also be an economic parable for our time. It involves snacks. In addition to the above snacks, there are appearances by classics — Cheetos, Fritos, Jolly Ranchers — and some peripheral favorites, like Nutter Butters. There is a Chunky. And by the way: remember when Chunky came out and it was billed as this long-anticipated new development, a Great Leap Forward in the chocolate bar like nothing you’ve ever seen? And then it hit the counters and was thicker, yes, but also smaller than other chocolate bars while costing the same? Now that’s marketing. “It’s chunkier!”

A version of this story also appeared on Planet Money/Morning Edition. But then I wrote it down, and now it’s as official as it gets. A humor piece. Usually I spend months reporting stories about weirdos, but now the weirdo is me. And there I am, right across from Biden and Spitzer. Now I just have to get hair plugs, and have paid trysts while wearing only my sock garters!