TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I understand contemporary children’s entertainment won’t be the Lassie or Family Circus I enjoyed in my youth and I’m completely open to the disturbing trends of today, like that little Caillou child who has progeria. If heart-wrenching cartoons of sickly children are what the kids like, okay. But there’s one cartoon I find particularly disturbing: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I discovered them last week when they appeared on the toothpaste I bought at the dollar store. They’re apparently quite popular and can be found on a number of products. Generally speaking, I find popularity to be a good measure of quality. Take, for instance, the career of Faith Hill. She’s famous because of her inimitable talent. But in the case of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the popularity disturbs me.

According to their movie (also available at the dollar store), these turtles began as regular turtles who were exposed to some type of transformative material which made them teenagers and ninjas all at once. This is completely impossible and terribly misleading.

One of my favorite childhood shows was the Howdy Doody Show, a show in which the star was a small puppet. But as a child I couldn’t understand the concept of a puppet and believed Howdy Doody to be a new, slightly terrifying species of man. It caused a lot of complications for me. Children simply don’t have the capacity to differentiate reality from fiction, and it’s utterly wreckless to suggest the possibility of talking turtle-men.

At the very least we’re setting our children up for embarrassment with the dollar store clerk who makes fun of them for believing the movie is a documentary. At most we’re raising a generation of children who will be microwaving themselves and pouring chemicals on their friends with the expectation of super powers. Most of them will survive, but they will be horribly disfigured and this will greatly impede their chances for reproducing. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a direct threat to mankind’s survival.

To combat this threat, I’ve started a non-profit called Future Procreations Against Turtles. Spread the word and donate if you can. The unborn children of the future are counting on you. (I do give the Teenage Mutuant Ninja Turtles one star, because they like pizza and so do I!)

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing flop sweat.

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