THE ALPHABET
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the alphabet.

The alphabet is a collection of letters available in both upper and lowercases, and also in a weird version where all the letters connect. (I’m not sure what the point of that version is. Maybe just to have options.)

Without the alphabet I wouldn’t be able to write this or any other of my reviews. In that regard, the alphabet is pretty awesome, but consider all the things I’m unable to do because of all the letters it lacks. Whoever invented the alphabet felt like 26 letters was enough. Maybe it was laziness or maybe he or she ran out of time. We’ll never know. Imagine, however, if the alphabet went up to a hundred letters or even a thousand! Think of all the new words we could have!

The shortcomings of the alphabet became all too apparent the year my late wife Rosie asked me to write her a love letter for our anniversary. I attempted to make a list of all the reasons I loved her, but could only come up with a little over 300. I knew there were more, but the shortness of the alphabet prevented me from articulating them. When I gave Rosie the letter she began crying. I guess the alphabet got to her, too.

For all its faults, the alphabet does the best it can. Without it, we wouldn’t have any of the amazing alphabet-related things we’ve come to take for granted, such as Bananagrams or text messages. That’s just off the top of my head.

There are a lot of good letters offered by the alphabet, but the best letter is easily O. Not only does it remain distinguishable even if it falls over, but it looks just like the number zero. No other letter can do that! Definitely not G, the worst letter.

My hope is to one day invent my own letter, the same way people invent new words that catch on. My letter would be pronounced “gluh” and I would want it to stand out, so it would have stars next to it and would be way bigger than the other letters. It would also have to always be in red. This would prevent people from using it too casually.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Dudley Moore.

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