Comments on: DEAR SUGAR, The Rumpus Advice Column #74: Ten Angry Boys

By: Valerie

Valerie — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 20:09:30 +0000

I just found this column because of Momastery and I have been reading my eyes out. This one IS ME. It is me exactly, and I thank you so much for writing these words I so needed to read.

By: Jamie

Jamie — Thu, 24 May 2012 20:52:57 +0000

Another Sugar line etched on to my soul:

“When it comes to our children, we do not have the luxury of despair. If we rise, they will rise with us every time, no matter how many times we’ve fallen before.”

Damn. Just damn.

By: Ragnar

Ragnar — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 04:57:34 +0000

Too much. These writings are almost too beautiful to look at.

By: monica

monica — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 04:41:21 +0000

Hey Helpless Mom,

I couldn’t even read Sugar’s answer to you because by the time I finished reading your letter, I was crying too hard. You sound just like my mom. You sound just. like. my mom. Except my mom didn’t get therapy when I was four. She and my dad entered couples’ therapy when I was eleven, where they had sessions individually and together. My mom’s anger got a lot better after that as she learned to manage and communicate her feelings of frustration with the help of a truly excellent therapist.

I want to thank you for recognizing your problem and seeking help. There’s a predisposition to anxiety issues running in our family, I’m sure of it, and I inherited it. There was a lot of stuff going on at home (my younger brother had some developmental issues) and at school, but my mom’s anger didn’t help. I’m 22 now, and I’ve already had two severe depressive episodes.

Your daughters may never understand what you are doing for them. But I do, and I am grateful from the bottom of my heart. I also want to offer encouragement. You can change. It’s hard, and it can hurt, but it is eminently doable, and it is absolutely worth it.

I wish you the best of luck.

By: smirkette

smirkette — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 06:27:59 +0000

This might be the most real thing I have ever read on the Internet.

As a former inner city public school teacher of many hurting children (and a few clinically emotionally disturbed), I salute you. This tells so many of my boys’ stories with truth and compassion. Brilliant.

By: jacqueline

jacqueline — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 17:01:20 +0000

Dear sweet, amazing, “helpless mom,”
You are not alone!! I am a midwife. I work with awesome, wonderful, beautiful mamas every day, who love their children unconditionally, who are happily welcoming new babies into their lives, and who lash out in pain and anger and frustration, too. I work at a holistic women and family health center in southern Oregon (Medford/Ashland). Among midwives and nutritionists and other practitioners, we also have an incredible psychotherapist at our clinic. She doesn’t do talk therapy. There’s no black couch. There’s no delving into the far recesses of your dark and painful past to dig up old traumas and trudge back through them yet again. No. What she does is body-mind-spirit re-integration, using meridian tapping techniques and kinesiology. She let’s your body tell the stories that need to be told, and gently guides you through re-programming the way you manage and respond to those stories, and how you show up in the present moment, when things get difficult. The work is nothing short of miraculous. I highly suggest you seek out someone in your own area who can help you do this. If you are in Oregon, I can probably help you find some resources. But don’t give up. You are not alone out there. There is help available, and you can get through this!

By: Aldonza

Aldonza — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 13:45:15 +0000

Oh honey, I’m flashing back to being a stay-at-home mom to two pre-schoolers with a husband who worked long hours and took ample time for himself when he wasn’t working. My guilt of not bringing in an income made me take on all domestic tasks…because that’s what my mom did. I was a good…nay, great mom 95% of the time…oh, but that other 5%. I hang my head in shame.

See, I firmly believe that we’re all given only so much patience and particularly when we have small children, we have to mete it out like a thrifty miser. Pick your battles during the day. If they want to wear mis-matched clothes or snowboots in summer, let them. Cheat for “me time” by going to McD’s (with the Playplace) and texting with friends for an hour while the kids play. I got a headset for my homephone so I could multi-task, chatting with another stay-at-home mom while I did laundry or cooked, with kids screaming in the background. I even made their bedroom a “safe room” that I could put them in…lock the door, and give *Mama* a time-out.

In the end, I realized that I needed time away from the kids to maintain my sanity *for* the kids. That time had to be regular, scheduled, unmovable, *for me*, pleasurable, and nothing to do with kids. We were poor as church mice, so I volunteered with a group that made crafts to sell at fairs to raise money. Once a week I sat with the old biddies, gossiped, drank wine, and decompressed.

You’re not a bad person. I was raised in a loving (albeit sometimes loud) household with no abuse. There were times when I scared myself with the rage that an adorable little moppit could induce in me. That part is normal. But it’s also a sign that you’re trying to do too much without support. Respect that sign.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 19:44:55 +0000

I think you just helped me forgive my mom’s anger problems. Wow. Thank you.

By: Evelyn Walsh

Evelyn Walsh — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 20:57:38 +0000

“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself.
Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections.
But instantly set about remedying them.
Every day begin the task anew.”
~ Saint Francis de Sales

By: Shaye

Shaye — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 06:18:03 +0000

@Mary above: trust me, to the kid it makes little difference whether the dad contributes financially and is coming home eventually or not. As the child of an work-related absentee father, I felt like the child of a single parent. She’s a parent, singular, with no means of practical support much of the time. It isn’t belittling “truly” single parents to acknowledge that as hard.