★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing brown sugar.
Brown Sugar is the name of a woman I met at the bus stop last week. When she told me her name, it reminded me of brown sugar, the ingredient. They are both brown and both smell good. Only one of them frightens me.
Brown sugar is the superior of the sugars. Regular sugars are tasty, but difficult to eat spoonfuls of at a time. Brown sugar, however, begs to be eaten by the spoonful. It’s soft texture melts onto your tongue as you realize a world without brown sugar is no world at all. On more than one occasion I’ve had a plate of brown sugar as my entire dinner. Most of those times it was by choice.
The taste of brown sugar implies it is crafted by wizardry or perhaps has otherworldly origins. The truth is, it is simply the combination of boring old regular sugar and molasses. The best recipes call for brown sugar. It’s the bacon of the sucroses. Adding it to anything that tastes bad or bland will make those things taste amazing and amazing, respectively.
The inventor of brown sugar is not known, so when depicted in history books he is represented without a face. And because no one knows if he was a man, the figure is androgynous. Whoever it was, if that person is still alive and happens to be reading this, please accept my heartfelt gratitude for everything you’ve done. I eat your invention every chance I get and always think of you when I do. I am sorry for that time I spilled some brown sugar on the floor and didn’t eat it. It doesn’t mean I didn’t want to, it was just because my therapist told me to stop.
Brown sugar can be found in most grocery and convenience stores. If you have any trouble finding it, I keep a large stash in my bomb shelter and would be happy to sell you some.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Carrot Top.