Thank you for this. That one beautiful line clarifies so many things that should have been clear to me but never were.

I’m the survivor of massive child abuse trauma. And I am Celibate. I’m also the wife of a sweet man who simply does not want sex. It’s awful. I love him, he’s a good man. But he doesn’t want sex.

1) I’m not the only woman out there like this
2) Not all victims of abuse (I don’t understand the term “survivor”. A crime was committed, and it should have no more stigma than that of a robbery) are cold, frigid, etc. Some of us become hypersexualized. But hey, why worry about that?
3) The Catholic Church is WAY better about marital sex than most Bible belt churches, and I’m not surprised in the slightest about the wife’s friends.

Celibate, I don’t know what to do. He went to therapy. We went to therapy. I gave an ultimatum. We separated (in the same house, no one knew about it). But he’s there for me in so many other ways. I feel absolutely against a wall and as if I’m putting my hands in front of my eyes. I feel like an idiot if I leave him. But I don’t know why he doesn’t want sex. How do you tell friends and family, who ARE going to ask, that it’s because someone you really love and don’t want to hurt more that he just wouldn’t put out?

I bought this set for my own treatment a few years back and my therapists were really pleased with the quality. There is hope for those willing to seek treatment. If your doctor dismisses your claims of pain, find someone who won’t. I was fortunate that my general practitioner listened to me and provided an appropriate diagnosis. However, I still ended up seeing an OBGYN, sexual health doctor, counselor, and physical therapist as well in my journey to wellness. Vaginismus can be really hard on you, your partner, and your relationship. Start on the road to healing today.

Celibate, you have got to tell her you want it. You want to have a normal sex life. Tell her you dream about it sometimes when you sleep. If you don’t tell her, she thinks you are okay with it. They got new lubricants nowadays also, get some of that also. She has got to try. Read those testimonials about the dialators on that website that Elizabeth gave you. The women wanted to get better. They wanted to please their husbands. I always say, “you gotta wanna.” She’s “gotta wanna,” Celibate.

If she is embarrassed about it tell her that she can practice while you take a bath. That way she won’t feel like you are hovering because you are in the bathroom and not “peeping”, but at the same time you will know that she is actually trying, it kind of forces her to try the dialators.

Cheers to Elizabeth you taught me something I never knew about.

Celibate: The thing you’ve never identified in the letter is whether you share your wife’s faith.

If you do: Don’t stop asking questions, searching and pushing for help until you find a Godly couple who can help you. There is much more to this than the physical issues. Don’t take God out of the equation, but make sure you’re addressing it all with love, patience, acceptance, etc. Any counsellor that tells your wife to be shamed is not following God’s heart for passion and enjoyment of sex. Neither is any counsellor that tells you to suck it up. There are Christians out there who can tell it like it is, address this for real, and keep God at the center – who is the only one who can heal miraculously.

If you don’t: When you talk to her about this, please don’t belittle her beliefs. It looks like she has been shamed by people who claim to know God. Don’t equate that with God shaming her. Believe me, there’s a huge difference. Find the help you need and ask her to find the help she needs. If possible, help her seek out the kind of christian assistance described above because if her faith is real, she needs the healing of the body and the soul that will let her be free of this prison of shame and fear. It’s only in addressing both that you’ll get your wife back in a way that will be good for both of you.

And in either case: Tell her you love her over and over and over again. Ultimatums must be used with care. If she doesn’t feel safe now, how will she ever feel safe to explore what must be a terribly painful and frightening issue with someone who’s threatening to leave?

I’ll be praying for you both.

It’s hard to talk of “dealbreakers” and “bottom lines” without using ultimatums. But when you’re in that emotional space of approaching your bottom line, it really is only fair to let the other party know. You can’t control what they’ll choose to do, but you have to give them fair notice.

Ultimately, Sugar is right. You can’t remain stagnant like this. The discussion has to take place. She’s your wife: you’ve made a commitment to each other in sickness and in health. This marriage is sick, but more than the lack of sexual intimacy and the abuse, what is really alarming about Celibate’s marital problem is the lack of communication.

Sugar is right about another thing: Celibate’s wife needs to know that she is in a loving, supportive, non-abusive, non-toxic environment. Communication needs to run both ways. That level of abuse involves a lot of unpacking when it comes to trust. When she feels she is able to let those walls come undone, she will do it on her own… but only when she is ready and when she is in an environment she feels safe to do so.

I would encourage the both of them to speak to a religious officiant of some sort, since religion seems to play an important role here. Also, couple’s counseling is very important because it can enable the both of them to build communication tools.