Craigslist is unfiltered potential. It’s criteria gone crazy. In a single day, you can get ripped off, score free kittens, uncover the silent majority of our population who haven’t figured out the meaning of “platonic,” and buy a stolen bike. It’s the ugly common experience to which we’re forced to return, like the DMV. So we may as well take it to the limits of its utility and chip away at the social barriers that keep us apart. Thus Craigslist can become the perfect resource for a despairing bro who finds himself lost in his old scene:
I’m a socially-ambitious twenty-three year old straight male seeking a gang of girl best friends to tack onto. Currently, my posse of besties has been undermined by some boy drama, and I’m uncertain about the sustainability of our best-friendsmanship. Hence, I’m looking for three girls who are BEST FRIENDS.
- Must have formed a bond that is concretely traceable from at least high school onwards (middle school bonds are preferred). This friendship must be everlasting.
- Each girl must have her own fully-formed identity and idiosyncrasies that first appeared when separated from her friends during her early college years and significantly blossomed by her junior year, becoming fully-formed personality traits and life-choices by graduation.
- I’d prefer that there was one (1) quirky, quiet type girl, one (1) hetero-normative, career-driven girl who is logical and gets “business drunk” all day, and one (1) super chiller who maybe considered getting dreadlocks once and is named “Sarah.” These are just ideal examples—no need to fit these roles perfectly. However, all three besties must be lactose intolerance tolerant, be able to pull her own weight (literally no girls who can’t hold themselves up for a ten-second keg stand), and be down to use the acronym “BFF” at least biweekly.
- Cell phone plans with unlimited text messaging are an obvious must. I need to be able to mass text you the spontaneously humorous things that I endure alone and feel comforted by your prompt and supportive “LOL” responses.
- I need three shoulders to cry on, and maybe three people to get mad at periodically, and come around to again after not talking for like, a day. It must be a group-hug friendly situation.
- Must be down to insert me into all your past memories for which I wasn’t present.
If you ladies fit these requirements please tell me about your friendship, your g-chatting WPM, and some hypothetical inside jokes we could all have together.
**Also, all applicants are required to watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 1 and 2, as well as Now and Then, and maybe Stand By Me because it’s the racy boy version of Now and Then. Or if you don’t want to watch Stand By Me, I’d prefer you have a longstanding, working knowledge of Now and Then (like maybe you’ve seen it twice and own an un-pirated copy of the soundtrack. In fact, let’s say you bought it at Tower Records right after you saw it in the theater in hopes that you would one day reenact that idyllic scene with the bikes and the oldies sing-a-long). The entire group should be able to quote the movies when prompted or at least vaguely reference specific scenes. Over the next few weeks I hope to narrow my list down to a few choice groups in time for my birthday, at which point my new besties will throw me my first surprise bash. Bestie tryouts will be highly competitive and held at a location TBD. Thanks!
*****please note, STRICT limit of one granola-outdoorsy type per group. NO EXCEPTIONS*****
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