Ted Wilson Reviews the World #97
SCRATCH AND SNIFF
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Scratch and Sniff.
Scratch and Sniff is a technology that allows a printed image to release an odor when scratched. I don’t understand how it works, nor do I care. I scratch a picture and an aroma comes out and that’s all I need to know. It’s a marvel of man’s capabilities. Disappointingly, the only use anyone has thought of for this technology so far has been stickers.
Off the top of my head I have a few ideas to innovate the Scratch and Sniff industry. How about Scratch and Sniff jackets for homeless people? The homeless don’t usually smell very good and they’re lonely. With Scratch and Sniff jackets (or jumpsuits or whatever), the otherwise unthinkable act of touching a homeless person could be turned into one of pleasure for both toucher and touchee. Imagine offering a homeless person the chance to feel human contact again while being rewarded with the smell of bubble gum or roses. Everybody wins.
Another option is Scratch and Sniff pornographic magazines. This could make sexual fantasies that much more real. Scratching between the model’s legs would release one odor, while scratching the mouth or buttocks would release another. There’s no website that can offer such a visceral sexual experience. Magazine industry: saved.
Probably the most obvious use of Scratch and Sniff is for utensils. I heard taste is 90% odor. A scratchable fork could enhance the flavor of any food. Restaurants would no longer have to bother trying to make food taste good. Just scratch your fork before sliding a Chicken McNugget into your mouth and suddenly you’re eating a Chicken McNugget prepared by a chef like Rachael Ray!
If the future holds the amount of scratching and sniffing I imagine it will, we’re all going to get a lot of finger exercise. For people who are embarrassed by their weak little fingers, Scratch and Sniff will be a godsend. Those embarrassed by manly digits they can just use the back of a pen to scratch.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Wilford Brimley’s mother.
August 8th, 2011 at 1:08 pm
Hi Ted,
I am pleased you finally got to this subject matter, and your idea to save the magazine industry is pure and simple brilliance. You impress me more every time I read one of your posts. Well played.
August 8th, 2011 at 5:04 pm
This column is the highlight of my week. The magazine idea made me spit out my drink. Never stop, Ted Wilson!
August 8th, 2011 at 9:53 pm
I sure hope it’s not a coincidence that you mentioned Wilford Brimley’s mother in your Scratch-And-Sniff review.
August 9th, 2011 at 3:14 pm
Ted, you’ve really had some nice sexual sniffing experiences to want to have that added touch in your porn. Mostly all of that stinks.
August 10th, 2011 at 6:45 am
Dear Spike,
Thank you!
Your Friend,
Ted
* * * * * * * * *
Dear Pleasant,
Sorry you spilled your drink.
Your Friend,
Ted
* * * * * * * * *
Dear AtTheRiv,
I’m sorry, it is a coincidence.
Your Friend,
Ted
* * * * * * * * *
Dear Babs,
You say tomato, I say tomato.
Your Friend,
Ted
* * * * * * * * *
August 10th, 2011 at 10:17 am
@babs – i’m so sorry that’s been your experience. nothing about it stinks unless the person already does. nothing.
@ted – HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! god i love your column.