★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing apple pie.
I love apple pie, don’t you? It’s so delicious, all those apples and that sugar. Yum!
The only time I don’t like apple pie is when there’s a human finger in it. That’s happened to me twice. The first time it happened I was very young, and so, it was a traumatic experience. It took years of therapy before I could eat apple pie again, and I could only do so wearing mittens.
It turned out that someone in the apple pie factory had an accident and his digit was lost to a sea of departing delivery trucks. That digit ended up in the freezer at Brownie’s Memorial Corner Store, and then, later, in my mouth.
The second time I found a finger in my apple pie was last year. I bit into it and couldn’t believe what I was looking at. I thought for sure there was no way someone could find a human finger in their apple pie twice in a lifetime, so I continued eating it. I thought it must just be a piece of apple that looked like a finger. I was wrong.
It turned out that a local serial killer liked to bake the fingers of his victims into apple pies and then leave those pies on the doorsteps of people in the neighborhood. I should have known it was too good to be true when I found that free pie on my neighbor’s doorstep.
As long as an apple pie doesn’t contain a severed digit (or any other accidental ingredients) I would say it’s probably going to be very tasty. If the sight of an apple pie didn’t paralyze me with fear I could probably eat a whole one right now. That’s how hungry I am.
Please join me next week when I will be reviewing Jared Bauthom’s left pinky.