Ted Wilson Reviews the World #114
THE GAS PEDAL
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the gas pedal.
There are a lot of parts of the car that aren’t necessary. Windows, for instance. They keep bugs from hitting you in the face, but a little extra protein never hurt anyone. The steering wheel helps a lot, but if you don’t need to turn, what good is it? The brake? Helpful, yes, but if your trip is planned right you can come to a rolling stop. And if you plan poorly, that’s what airbags and seat belts are for.
But without a gas pedal a car is only good for living in. Gas pedals make cars go. That’s great news for people who want to take road trips, or need to drive a pregnant lady to the hospital because her water just broke. It’s also great news for bank robbers or someone who just accidentally (or maybe intentionally) hit a pedestrian. The gas pedal does not discriminate. Sort of like the ACLU. While I admire the gas pedal’s dedication to equality, I am left feeling torn.
They have those dashboard computers now that ask you where you want to go. Why not a computer in the gas pedal that asks why you want to go? That way if you say you want to accelerate to escape responsibility, the gas pedal locks up so you have to face what you’ve done. Or if you say you are in a hurry because you’re late for a movie, the gas pedal would know it’s okay to go.
With all the innovation currently happening in the automobile industry, we’ve come a long way from the days of the Flintstone’s cars when we had to push with our feet. It’s possible that I am too narrow-minded and some young pioneer like Steve Jobs will revolutionize the gas pedal in ways I can’t begin to imagine. All I know is the gas pedal is not half of what it could be.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Iraq.
December 12th, 2011 at 4:01 pm
but for me, an in-dash cassette deck is a given necessity.
December 12th, 2011 at 5:49 pm
Would I get in trouble if I reviewed all the things you propose, but don’t review, such as Iraq? I could be the quantum Ted from Universe B.
December 12th, 2011 at 6:12 pm
Dear Chad,
I’m sorry, but I must not have made the theme of this column clear enough. I am reviewing the entire world. There is nothing in this world which will be left unreviewed. You could always review the items beyond our world, such as the sun or aliens, if they exist.
Your Friend,
Ted