★★★★★ (0 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing pianos.
Oh boy. Pianos. Am I the only one who’s scared of them? I suppose it comes from seeing all those cartoons where a piano crushes someone. Or maybe it’s because murderers regularly employ piano wire as a tool for strangulation.
When I was nine, my mom signed me up for piano lessons. She thought it would help me get over my fear and she also needed a piano player for her band. Two birds, one stone. Unfortunately, when I arrived for my first lesson, I found my teacher had committed suicide. It turned out she had gone into debt because her piano was so expensive.
All I know is that when I see a piano I start to sweat and go pale. Almost as pale as the stark, cold white keys of a piano. So white it looks like they’re carved from human teeth. A giant human, of course. Or at least someone with disproportionately large teeth. Can you imagine someone with piano key-sized teeth? So disturbing. And that lid is always trying to close down on your fingers like it’s a mouth. Just like in that movie, The Piano, where Holly Hunter lost her finger because of a piano.
It’s no wonder there have been so many piano-themed horror movies. The Pianist was absolutely terrifying. Then there was Shine, where Geoffrey Rush plays a man driven mad by his piano. I heard there was a piano scene in The Shining but Stanley Kubrick cut it because it was too scary. And don’t forget about The Fabulous Baker Boys. Shiver.
It’s no coincidence that some of the world’s best piano players happen to be blind. Do you honestly think Ray Charles would look that happy if he could see what he was playing? No other musical instrument is best played while opened up and its innards on display.
Also, how weird is it that the piano is a string instrument? I know it has strings but that just seems intentionally deceptive, like pianos are disguising themselves as one thing and then turning out to be another.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the second Continental Congress.