THE HUMAN TONGUE
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the human tongue.
There’s room for improvement with the human tongue. Yes, it allows for speech and the tasting of things and a variety of types of kisses, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get in the way sometimes. Like when my doctor needs to look at the back of my throat and he has to press my tongue out of the way. Or whenever I’m in a pie-eating contest, all I can think of is how much more pie I could fit in my mouth if there wasn’t a tongue taking up so much space. That rock singer who had the really long tongue must have been really bad at pie-eating contests. That’s probably why he went into music.
I will say that I’m glad I have my tongue every time I stick it out to catch a snowflake for the first snow of the season. And without my tongue I could never have performed cunnilingus all those times. I would have had to have done it with just my lips.
Sticking your tongue out is a very succinct way of saying, “I’m not fond of you,” to a stranger you pass by while driving down the street, but it’s nothing that a finger or some spit can’t do.
Using one’s tongue is also the least efficient way to tie a cherry stem into a knot. Just use your hands if you want to do that. No one is impressed by such an inefficient use of time.
Anatomy is not my strong suit, but they say that taste is 99% smell, which makes me wonder why my tongue has taste buds. They seem pointless if they are just counting on the nose to do all the work for them. It also made me wonder if I could taste things by putting them in my nose.
First, I tried laying on my back and sprinkling salt into my nose. I could taste it, but that was because a lot of it fell into my mouth. I decided to try this test again but with my mouth closed. Instead of salt I used pepper. Bad idea. That just made me sneeze. I hadn’t been shopping in a while so my only two remaining options were flour or frozen fish sticks. I tried both but couldn’t taste a thing.
Curiously, I wonder why my tongue doesn’t dissolve from all that saliva all the time. If I leave a cracker in my mouth for more than an hour it turns to mush. My tongue has been in there for decades and except for the hole where I got it pierced, it looks exactly the same as when I was a kid. What’s up with that?
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Batman.