Comments on: DEAR SUGAR, The Rumpus Advice Column #98: Monsters and Ghosts

By: LK

LK — Thu, 16 May 2013 13:15:15 +0000

It’s been ONE YEAR. Come back, already!

By: janet

janet — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 22:01:50 +0000

Such bravery you have modelled in your life “haunted”…..being able to share your journey with others on this site is a huge step….continue writing “haunted”…..write it all out of you whenever those moments arise that disturb your inner calm….regardless of how you still feel insecure and shy look at how much your mental/emotional/spiritual health has improved during the past 3 years…..just “keep on” …..I’m sure you would have a lot to give to those who have suffered the same wounds…volunteer organizations that support people who have suffered as you have would gain so much by your light….reaching out and supporting others is another tool you might consider using at some stage for further healing. Kudos to you for the ocean you crossed to reach this place of understanding!

By: Shawn

Shawn — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 01:18:23 +0000

Hi Sugar, and nice commenters. It’s 2013, and I read this 2012 column to my wife after work, today. She said, “I don’t know if you should read that.” Because I had stifled myself from crying during the letter, and then again once or twice more during Sugar’s response, and I told my wife, I send rumpus.net to my “Sweep” folder in my email, so I don’t see it every day. I only go and look at it when I’m in the mood. My wife loved it, by the way, saying “she’s SUCH a good writer”, about Sugar, and of course empathizing with all involved, as did I. Then we talked about her dealing with her father, last weekend. She felt like all the dollars spent in therapy were well-spent, and her years in AA, NA, and Al-Anon probably helped as well. Have we all come full-circle now, all empathizing with one another because all of us have childhoods? Because none of our parents were perfect (–not only not-perfect, but abusive, half-psychotic drug addicts in many cases)? I do not know the answer. We all have to do like Haunted, prayer & meditation, helping others, writing to Sugar, 12-step programs and paid counseling, oh, and I just assume all of the drugs and alcohol and prison sentences that preceded the state-prescribed 12 step treatment programs–that’s just me, to all 12-step members who may happen to be know-it-alls if any of those exist; 50% of the time, my membership was certainly not voluntary. I digressed! We all have to do all that Haunted does, in order to lead a stable life where we love and cherish all the beauty, and beautiful things like children, flowers, & puppy dogs, in our lives. And I’m like the guy in the Sufi story who lost his keys in the house, but I’m looking for them under the street lamp because there’s more light out here!
You all are awesome. I know that. I want you to know I just got back–my wife and I went for a walk after that incident I told you about when I read her this column. On the walk, I really want to share this with all of you! On the walk, I saw a child flying a kite. I saw a flower that was white daisy with yellow center, and other flowers that were purple, blue, red, yellow, and pink. I saw several cats, several dogs (I love those). I saw the ocean waves and sunlight. May I never, never complain or feel sad again. Someone who was allowed to see all of these beautiful things, and was allowed to hold his wife’s hand and kiss her knuckles once or twice during the walk, this person had more riches than all the kings of yore, more magic than Merlin and the Little Mermaid all rolled into one. I cannot help but be overjoyed.

By: Mary

Mary — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 17:36:22 +0000

Haunted doesn’t need to live a made up life. Sorry but I disagree. Haunted needs to let himself grieve. Let himself feel the pain of the child and then with his heart he will KNOW that he was not / is not responsible for what happened to him in the years before he grew up – sadly for him that happened fully at 13 years of age. Grieving is something nobody wants to do. Talk about courage – feeling the feelings that are buried is difficult but life giving.

By: Unsure

Unsure — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 13:08:37 +0000

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for five years. We have lived together for three. We have gone through ups and downs. After five years, I feel like I should ‘know,’ but I don’t… It has become a little hobby (obsession) to know why other people decided to tie the knot. They all say they just, ‘knew.’ I am afraid I may never know with my current boyfriend. Maybe that’s because its not the right fit, but I also fear that I just may never have that full, clear commitment to anyone… There’s a lot more background I could give, but basically my boyfriend wants to know by the summer. He also seems to think if I don’t know, then “we’re done.” I don’t do well with high-pressure situations and him putting this expiration date on me makes it all the more hard. Do you have any advice on how I can figure this out? I feel like I’ve tried everything. I am getting somewhere, but I just want some clarity.

By: DoraD

DoraD — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 08:50:58 +0000

It’s all about forgiveness indeed as is already mentioned in the replies. What is forgiveness? You’ve done something very wrong (not talking about Haunted), which costs you something you cannot afford. You feel guilt, and you cannot undo it. The person who got hurt says: “I forgive you, no matter what. Because you admit your mistake, I am happy to forgive you. I now look at you as if your mistake never happened.” To forgive yourself, is to tell that to yourself.
Although we hurt other persons in life, spiritually we are hurting our Creator if we are making mistakes. The biggest mistake is to deny him, but also if we hurt each other, we hurt him. If we admit that to him and ask for forgiveness, he will tell us to forgive us. Although we had to be punished, he gave his son Jesus to pay the price for us, on the cross. If you believe that, there is no more condemnation, you are free from guilt. It will be easy to forgive others and yourself, as you experienced that forgiveness is such a reality that happened to you. You will be free to forgive. So amazing. My own experience.

By: Rebecca Coffey

Rebecca Coffey — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 21:03:04 +0000

Shug,

It’s a damn shame you can’t continue this column endlessly. Happy for you that Wild took off. Sad that this tiny beautiful thing is on long hiatus. Such is life. All my best….

By: Karin

Karin — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 02:32:50 +0000

…but leaving with no good bye, Jay? I never expected it to happen like that.

By: Jay

Jay — Wed, 26 Dec 2012 21:18:28 +0000

Claire, I sure hope Sugar responds, but as I commented earlier on Oct 17, I suspect that Sugar has moved on and it might very well be difficult for Sugar to re-start posting with the same impact. Or maybe not! But that is a genuine possibility and we will just have to wait and see if Sugar wants to even attempt to re-start posting knowing how much things have changed internally and externally.

By: Claire

Claire — Wed, 26 Dec 2012 19:29:19 +0000

Dear Sugar,
We’re all thinking it, and something has got to be said! I tell you this not to hurt your feelings, nor under a virtual cover, but through a place of caring and compassion which you did the same for us with such commitment. It has been 8 months since your last post, and it seems to me that you have gone on to bigger-&-better-&-more-famous things. Your writing of this column has brought you much success and a whirlwind of fame in the last-near-year or so. I have bought your collection of Sugar columns, even though they are available for free right here, and I have bought more copies for my friends and family. I tell them about this amazing column, and the woman who wrote it (I previously gave out Wild). The point is, Sweet pea, you are putting us all through a breakup by leaving with no word, and have taken your advice and perspective with you. Granted, it is yours to give, but an explanation is the least you–or any person–can do.