★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing prescription condoms.
When I was younger and having intercourse with women I didn’t want to have babies with, I used condoms. Unfortunately, because of a circumstance I prefer to not disclose publicly, I had to use condoms designed specifically for me.
My doctor explained that the average off-the-shelf condom wouldn’t work for me. Instead, I would need prescription condoms available only from his cousin. To be sure the condoms were right for me, I had to go through a series of tests involving a lot of stretching, opening, and jiggling of my genitals. I also had to give samples that were immediately put into a cooler.
This was a monthly procedure, to make sure my prescription hadn’t changed. It wasn’t fun, or cheap, but I had to do it if I wanted to continue having intercourse. Which I did.
The condoms came six per container, unraveled, and the container was one of those ones that a prize from a gumball machine comes in. Being unraveled actually made it more difficult to get them on, especially when one would become intertwined with another. It made me look like I didn’t know what I was doing.
These condoms fit just the same as a regular one, but they were much more slippery. I guess they have some extra chemicals as part of the prescription. When I asked my doctor why they were so much more slimy, he said not to worry about it.
One of the things I don’t like about prescription condoms is how they have to be returned to the seller. The doctor said they are technically a biohazard and need to be disposed of properly, which I understand, but it was always an inconvenience to have to drive across town to the trailer park to return them. And I didn’t like having to pay the returning fee.
I haven’t used a prescription condom in decades, and I tried to interview my old doctor for this review but his office burned down years ago. And his cousin is in prison.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing purple.