FUNNY WOMEN #123: Cover Letter Template

By

{Date}

{Dear Company Name Here},

I was excited to see your posting because I couldn’t help noticing the eerie coincidence that your company has job openings and that my skills and experience align me closely with both what your company does and with the human process of existing, which includes ingesting food, and my thought is your company might be exactly what I need in terms of continuing to exist because of ingestion of food. Dynamically.

I have been responsible for spearheading many cover letters to companies like yours, which stand out from the competition because the openings you have seem as if they might pay a livable salary, to me. That’s the kind of dynamism I look for and embody, so I couldn’t be more excited to match my abilities with your needs and pay schedule.

Daly1

Previously, I have mostly used my excellent verbal abilities to write letters like this, so it is uncanny how vital and important I feel it is to be part of an important organization like yours, which is doing significant work in one of the spheres that I know is “key” these days and has the potential to pay me on a bi-monthly basis. This idea crystallizes my initiative to become part of your organization, along with other essential initiatives I have undertaken that have resulted in spearheading more and more inquiries that have led to answers to letters like these.

Have you got a lot in your budget? An organized person can check and see that for herself. I need only a living wage, and the truly amazing thing is that I think you might be offering that, Daly2which cements my commitment to be part of what it is you do, in whatever capacity you need, for a salary.

Among the initiatives I would spearhead include getting myself into the payroll system, getting signed up for Direct Deposit, and demonstrating my organization and computer skills, which I have in abundance. These bounteous cover letters I have dynamically generated have taken superhuman levels of comprehension to even tell the difference between or among. The tiny nuances, the creative phrasemaking, the polite dickering—not many could measure the cognitive, yet dynamic, spearheading that has gone on there, unpaid.

Initiative! Dynamism! The essential thing is always moving forward to maximize potentialities.

I look forward to working with you imminently.

Cheers,

{Name}
{Address}
{Email address}
{Phone number}
{Skype account name}
{Website}
{Tumblr}
{Twitter handle}
{LinkedIn profile}
{Facebook fan page}
{Ello beta public profile}
{Instagram “career vision board”}
{OKCupid username, in case employer is single or recently separated}

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Rumpus original art by Annie Daly. Purchase Annie’s art here.

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Kristy Eldredge writes for newyorker.com, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, The Rumpus, Brooklyn Magazine, RobotButt, and other websites. She writes the humor blog The Laffs Institute and is the writer-director of the video series Robot Secretary, which is about a robot with a bad attitude. More from this author →