FUNNY WOMEN #124: Our Representatives Are Currently Helping Other Customers

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10:31 a.m.
Thank you for calling the Problem-Talking phone line. Our representatives are currently helping other customers, but please stay on the line and a representative will be with you shortly.

10:32 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other customers who did not allow things to get completely out of hand before calling us. Please continue to hold. We appreciate your patience.

10:35 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other customers. We are working hard to ensure that no customer speaks to a representative with whom they share a native language. Please cancel your plans for the remainder of the day.

10:53 a.m., the same day
Our representatives are still–guess what–helping other customers. Now is a good time to pee. But don’t. It would be more uncomfortable if we answered the phone while you were peeing, which we will. But don’t assume that’s a useful tactic; we know what you’re thinking and resent your attempt to manipulate us. Continue holding. That’s a helpline pun.

11:06 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other customers. Please enjoy these soothing waterfall sounds.

Daly111:12 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other customers. Your wait time is approximately twelvefinity. Please continue to hold, won’t you? Thanks, girl!

11:20 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other customers who aren’t you. These customers include but are not limited to your exes, your exes’ current better lovers, people who believe feminism is a myth, mouth-breathers, people who don’t sing along when “Suffragette City” plays on the radio, and reality TV stars. If you cry, then your sobs may be recorded for our holiday party mix.

11:27 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping your ex-girlfriends. Go ahead and pee, but balance your phone between your ear and shoulder while you do so, because sometimes when customers switch to speakerphone it hangs up instead, and if you hang up or drop your phone in your urine, then you will lose your shit and place in line.

11:35 a.m.
Our representatives are still saving the lives of other customers. To help us better assist you, please enter your 35-digit account number, followed by your billing zip code, followed by your Social Security number, all in numerical order.

11:37 a.m.
That account number does not exist in our records. To prevent fraud, we have reported you to the authorities for investigation. Please continue to hold.

11:42 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other more physically fit, financially stable, sexually talented customers. Please describe your question or problem using no more than five words, only two of which may contain more than one syllable. If you state a problem in uptalk? Then you will be disconnected.

11:44 a.m.
Our representatives are not going to try to help you if you insist on using that tone of voice. Keep calm and continue to hold.

11:49 a.m.
Our automated system heard that. No, you go fuck yourself.

12:00 p.m.
We did not mean masturbate while holding. But you do you. Please enjoy this light jazz song, which is slightly but discernably more or less uptempo from the light jazz song you’ve been listening to for the last hour.

12:10 p.m.
Our representatives are currently helping ourselves to other people’s clearly marked food in the break-room refrigerator. Please consider using the live-chat feature on our website, which cannot connect you to anyone who can do anything about your problem, but we have a website, so that’s cool, huh?

12:18 p.m.
Our representatives are no longer helping other customers, but we’re going to wait a little longer to take your call anyway, because we have never experienced mutual orgasm.

12:30 p.m.
Our representatives have taken a break to enjoy a soothing cup of tea. Would you like a cup of soothing—PSYCH! Please continue to hold.

12:52 p.m.
Our call center is being invaded by robots with chainsaws for hands. Please continue to—

Daly21:03 p.m.
Our representatives are being eradicated by chainsaw robots. Some of us are being forced to marry our captors. Please—

1:16 p.m.
Please hold while we hire new representatives, hopefully ones with greater structural integrity in the torso area.

1:30 p.m.
Our representatives have been replaced by chainsaw robots. P-LEA-SE CON-TIN-U-E TO HO-LD.

1:41 p.m.
Our representatives are currently eradicating other customers. Hold. Your gruesome death is very important to us.

1:50 p.m.
Our representatives will be with you very, very shortly. Please make sure your door is unlocked. Do not hang up your phone.

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Lindsay King-Miller is a queer femme tattooed fat chick who does not have an indoor voice. She received her MFA in writing from Naropa University. She is a regular contributor to The Hairpin and Muzzle Magazine, and her work has appeared in Bitch Magazine, The Toast, xoJane, and elsewhere. She loves terrible horror movies and Italian sodas and lives in Denver with her partner, a huge but still insufficient collection of books, and a very spoiled cat. Her first book will be published by Plume in early 2016. More from this author →