FUNNY WOMEN #145: The Mother of All Jobs

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Hi, sir, you don’t know me, but I couldn’t help but notice that you were trying to buy groceries, which is why I need you to know I believe that all men should be senators.

You look like you’re almost thirty, is that true? If I were you, I’d start planning your campaign now. I know it seems early, but the clock is ticking! You think you’ll have plenty of time to run, but sometimes a lot can get in the way and you don’t want to miss your window.

I really don’t want to pry—here, I’ll bag that for you—but don’t you think you’ll be unfulfilled if you don’t have a Senate seat? Take it from me, just a lady in line—you don’t want to look back on your life and realize you don’t have one Joint Committee Chairmanship to your name.

I know right now you feel like you just want to be free and travel the world, but when you’re older, you’ll regret not having written a law that can take care of you in your old age, believe me.

bag

You say you’re not a politics person—more and more men are saying that these days, which is a shame—but if you disregard your interests, abilities, and desires, I think you’ll realize that this is what you’re made to do. Why do you think God gave you those narrow hips, if not for wearing blue suit pants?

Even if you feel like you aren’t ready to run, that will all change the moment you see your first sponsored bill signed into law. It’s the most amazing thing—your whole life changes in that moment. You’ll forget what you were even like before your law was signed! Plus, I noticed you abiding by other laws today—you’re great with them! A natural. It’s the same thing to write them, only like one hundred times better.

Sure, there’s sacrifice: don’t get me wrong. But the days are long and the election cycles are short, as they say. Soon you’ll be missing those days sleeping in a cot crammed in your Washington office.

Think about your parents! They spent their whole lives hoping that one day they’d have a dynasty to spoil.

daysarelong

And honestly—now stop me if this is getting too personal—I’m surprised it hasn’t just happened on its own for you. Are you concerned that you may not be able to get elected? My cousin ran for Senate for years and years, but he just wasn’t electable. Maybe that’s what’s going on with you? I don’t mean to pry, but may I ask what positions you’re taking? Some are more likely to get you elected than others.

And—Oh! You forgot your receipt!—if you really want to be elected, another admirable option is running for the House; have you thought about that? My cousin actually ended up running for the House and even though it wasn’t his Plan A, it’s been really fulfilling. And wouldn’t you know it, a few years after he was elected to the House, the party leadership sought him out to run for Senate again. When the Speaker closes a door, the Majority Leader opens a window, that’s what they say.

Also, when is your wife going to have a baby?

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Rumpus original art by Claire Stringer

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Riane Konc’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Toast, Reductress, The Establishment, and more. She lives in Cincinnati with her husband and baby and their two cats, Mira Clebra and Oliver Stonewall Jackson Five for Fighting. More from this author →