FUNNY WOMEN #153: So You Want to Be a Woman

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Here at Be a Woman® Cosmetics, we know our clients have just one question: “How?”

It starts with a good foundation. To transform into a strong woman, or any kind of woman, choose a base every bit as small, sweet, and delicate as you feel on the inside: Porcelain or Ivory, Peach or Caramel, Cocoa or Coconut. Or try Natural, specially designed to mimic the appearance of inner beauty. (Note: For best results, we recommend having a caucasian skin tone.)

Fight your skin’s problem areas—such as oil, blemishes, and any indication that you have ever felt sad. Stare in the mirror as long as you can bear and zero in on your face parts that most bum you out. For every problem you invent, we’ve invented the solution: concealer, highlighter, plumper, de-puffer, instructions to sit very still indoors without thinking too hard. (Note: Make sure the products your face requires to appear face-shaped, face-colored, and face-textured are undetectable or else risk being reviled for your vanity. And check out our exclusive anti-vanity five-pack!)

Once your features are fully hidden, you can start to paint them back on the way they should be to put your best self out there!

If the eyes are the window to the soul, then the drapes should match the wallpaper. Fix what you got and then flaunt what you fixed! Find whatever will make you uniquely you in our 4,000-shade Have It All™ eye shadow palette. If that many options are intimidating, start with one of our curated Have Only Some of It™ collections. The Reproduction Trio™ is simple, offering “I’m a Mom,” “Not Yet a Mom,” and “My Plans for Motherhood Are None of Your Business.” One of our most popular collections, the Apology Array™ features shades such as: “Sorry I Have Opinions,” “Sorry I’m Not Pretty Enough” “Sorry About My Yoga Pants.” Blend in one of the versatile hues from our Promise Pack™ to create the ultimate inoffensive ombre: “I’m Trying to Lose Weight,” “I’m Trying to Be Less Insecure, Please Don’t Hate Me,” and more! (Note: While our products are clinically proven to help you to be treated more kindly, there’s no guarantee that you will be taken more seriously.)

Drawing the line between work and life can be difficult, but drawing that line across your eyelid will be a cinch! Perfection is in execution. Strike a balance between the boardroom and the vacuum with a wingtip in our Effortless Equilibrium™ eyeliner collection. (Note: Steady hand unshaken by the weight of the world not promised.)

Nothing says “I’m in control” like a flawless curl and fan, so show those flimsy lashes who’s boss! Our Run the World™ mascara is designed to fill that intangible void in your eyelash identity. Also available in waterproof formula—because weather and emotion should never come between you and your deepest shallow desires. (Note: Unlike the competition, we will be straight with you: The full effect seen in our ads is an illusion created through artificial enhancement. Long for it anyway.)

With a little flush from our Pinch Me™ blush, calibrate your flirtatiousness along our color spectrum, from the modest golden-pink of “Saying No” to the naughty deep-red of “Saying Yes,” and never worry about sending the wrong signals. (Note: Certain shades may be interpreted as an invitation for physical contact. Please blush responsibly.)

And there you have it! With just a few easy steps and a lifetime of putting the opinions of others before your own needs, you too can Be a Woman®. Now, let’s talk About That Hair…™

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Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud

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Brooke Gamble McAdam lives with her husband and her dog in Buffalo, NY, because it's one of the last places where two millennials with student loan debt can afford to buy any house. She still hasn't figured out makeup. More from this author →