Internal Memo—Highly Confidential (Share Freely)
To: All employees of the US Citizenship and Immigration Service
From: John Kelly, Secretary of Homeland Security for Now
Subject: H-1B Visa Status of the Disney Princesses
As you may know, the H-1B visa was designed to allow American companies to temporarily employ foreign workers for specialized occupations.
Due to a technicality, fashion models have also been granted this type of visa.
President Trump has suspended all H-1B visa processing, and He would like us to reevaluate several candidates who gained entry under the fashion-model exception.
Pros: 8.5 to a 9, open to hideous rich men, cool with being a prisoner in a gilded cage. Will exchange her life for her father’s, like any hot daughter should.
Cons: French intellectual who is poor and reads. Plans on protesting “illegal” and “unethical” stuff instead of shopping for lingerie like other really hot daughters.
Pros: Very, very hot! Wears a skimpy outfit and has long hair like a wife.
Cons: Brown skin and protested the Keystone Pipeline. Annoying! Says she was “here first.” Also, her name reminds me of Elizabeth Warren, and that makes me not want to have sex with her as much.
Verdict: Shoot with water cannon, bulldoze camp, then deport.
Pros: Young, skinny, blonde. Extremely poor but probably extremely grateful. Used to abuse from family members.
Cons: Dirty. Animal friends, like mice and birds. Doesn’t have enough shoes. Travels in pumpkins—very downscale! Hag of a fairy godmother who is over thirty-five.
Verdict: Allow to live at the Winter White House to clean it.
Pros: Eastern European and hot! Young, gullible.
Cons: Short hair. Lives with various men. Whistles while she works; annoying!
Verdict: Extend her visa if she gets extensions and a spray tan. Very pasty!
Pros: A 10 with knockout figure! Only sixteen. Smoking! Lived in some forest and didn’t go to school.
Cons: Sleeps most of the time.
Verdict: Fourth wife.
Pros: Young and naïve. Has powerful dad who’ll wheel and deal with me. Also, I haven’t been married to a redhead yet.
Cons: A fish. Also, there’s only a pussy to grab when she’s on land; inconvenient in hot tubs! (Is that not PC? I tell it like it is!)
Verdict: Extend H-1B visa—and see if that fat, short-haired pig Ursula can take away Ariel’s voice again.
Pros: Outfits always show some skin.
Cons: She’s from Iran. Or is it Iraq? Whatever, a banned country. Also, wants a flying carpet to “experience life outside the palace.” Why?
Verdict: Send a Miss Universe application.
Pros: Young, cute.
Cons: A 6, at best. Flat-chested (downgrade to a 4). Sometimes dresses like a man, which breaks gender rules. Why didn’t they just draw Scarlett Johansson for this part?
Verdict: Send to a Pence conversion camp once they’re set up.
Pros: Smoking—if you go for her “type.” Into sexual relationships with frogs.
Cons: As I told Howard Stern, I’m into the “rainbow coalition,” but it’ll be awkward for me when Stephen Miller and Stephen Bannon hold their white nationalist rallies.
Verdict: Deport! Wait, she’s an American? Send her back to Chicago or whatever inner city she’s from.
Pros: Another hot Eastern European! (Maybe she’s also from Slovakia? Is Melania from Slovenia?) Used to living in a tower.
Cons: Doesn’t follow me on Twitter.
Verdict: Seventh wife!
Pros: Cute, nice hair. Likes water sports.
Cons: Kind of flat-chested. Brown-like skin. Big genes in her family. A 7.5 on a good day.
Verdict: Deport back to Hawaii.
Elsa and Anna
Pros: Kind of a Hugh Hefner blond/brunette sister thing going on.
Cons: Don’t yet understand that the only real power of sisterhood is when they satisfy me in bed.
Verdict: Flip a coin to deport one.
Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud.
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