FUNNY WOMEN #156: Fall Activities Adjusted for Global Warming

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Carving a Jack O’Lantern and Using It as Your Main Light Source

Since power lines were destroyed in the hurricanes, candles have replaced electricity. Spice up your home decor and only source of light with a decoratively carved pumpkin. It doesn’t matter how great you are at creating a spooky design; nothing could be as scary as the current situations in which we repeatedly find ourselves.

 

Wearing Wool Crop Tops

Fall clothing is all about the comfort factor, so slip into your coziest crop top. If wool isn’t your style, cropped flannel is another seasonable option. Keep the fabric to a minimum to reduce sweating and maximize ventilation. Don’t forget the must-have accessory of the fall: sunscreen.

 

Apple Canoeing

Due to rising sea levels, most orchards have been flooded. Instead of apple picking, grab a canoe large enough for the whole family and climb aboard. As you paddle through the field, be careful not to bruise any apples with your oars while using the nets provided to catch any floating fruit. This activity is bundles of fun, but make sure to take it seriously as your gleanings will be your only source of food until more ration cards are distributed.

 

Extremely Hot Air Balloon Rides

With temperatures peaking, these hot air balloon rides are not for the faint of heart. As you float higher into the atmosphere, only a paper-thin ozone layer stands between you and the devastating burn of the sun. There is always a chance that the balloon will spontaneously catch fire, adding a sexy risk factor to this autumnal favorite. As you and your lover contemplate death, take in the beautiful views: brown fields, brown lakes, and the occasional bright-red rooftop of a Crisis Assistance Center.

 

Drinking Non-Toxic Pumpkin-Flavored Ale

Beer is a much safer option than polluted water. The festive flavor (and near-constant inebriation) will distract you from the planet’s demise. Head to the local pub to get some brews and catch up on town gossip. Who starved last week? Has anyone been deported? Which local politician is a white supremacist? After a few pints, you’ll feel safe knowing you have friends to lean on and a smaller likelihood of catching a waterborne disease.

 

Turning the Bus into a Hayride

In a last-ditch effort to counter the effects of global warming, cars have been banned. Liven up your typical commute by picking up some hay from the scorched earth and tossing it on the seats of the People’s Bus. Some will appreciate the agricultural touch, though many start weeping when they remember the widespread crop failure. Don’t let their wailing dampen your mood; instead open the window to enjoy the breeze and take in that autumn scent hidden somewhere within the thick gray air.

 

Getting Lost in a Corn Maze as You Scavenge for Dinner

Corn mazes used to be a part of most proper fall festivals, and now they’re part of your weekly routine. It’s best to harvest corn when the husk is green and the silks are brown, so snatch up all the ripe ones you can find and start planning your one-ingredient succotash. Be careful though, sometimes Corn Maze Residents lurk between the stalks waiting to steal from naïve scavengers. If you’re attacked, brandish a cob and prepare to fight.

 

Tailgating a Football Game in the Parking Lot, Which Is Now Your Home

Your house was destroyed by the latest tsunami, so now you live in a parking lot with everyone else. There aren’t any chicken wings or seven-layer dip, but you’re hanging out on asphalt with a bunch of strangers, which is basically what your favorite pastime tailgating ever was. Don’t bother rooting for your team; there is no team, no game, no winning. There are only miles and miles of Parking Lot People, remembering a better time when one’s greatest desire was to watch a man carry a ball across a line.

 

Dressing up for Halloween as Yourself

DIY Halloween costumes are a lot easier now that you naturally look like walking death. Your clothing is ragged because of the constant 60mph winds, and your skin is pallid due to eating only canned beans and gravel. Take it to the next level by adding some fake blood. Be aware: your costume is pretty convincing, and when strangers see you, they might actually believe the apocalypse has begun. Once you’ve assured them you aren’t a real zombie, they will be grateful and compliment you on your spooky look.

 

Trick or Treating for Resources

Nothing says fall more than scampering from house to house desperately begging for basic resources such as shelter and food. Costumes aren’t required, but don’t get too excited about counting your treasures at the end of the night—the best you’ll get is probably some duct tape and canned beans. Still, ringing doorbell after doorbell will stir up some pleasant memories, which at this point are all you have left.

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Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud

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Jane Garfinkel is a writer living in Washington, D.C. Her work has been published on McSweeney’s, Reductress, and other sites you probably love. She sometimes updates her food blog No Meat, Some Potatoes. Please follow her on Twitter; it’s where she gets her self-worth. More from this author →