FUNNY WOMEN: Lifetime Network’s New Channel for Men

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Here at Lifetime, we’re committed to offering the type of programming you’ve come to expect: riveting tales of persistent stalkers, abductions of teenage girls on swim teams, and criminally insane love interests—just to name some of the entertaining themes we return to again and again and again.

But in the wake of #MeToo we realize that perhaps we’ve focused a bit too much on the “damsels”! Our new channel, Lifetime: Television for Men is proud to bring you, in celebration of its launch, four original film presentations. Mark your calendars, gentlemen—and watch your backs!

 

Hey, This Is No Bunny Hill: Death on the Slopes

Beautiful champion skier Angel Hunter has it in for any guy named Toddbecause an Olympic judge named Todd killed her chances of making the American Team in 2014 after she turned him down for coffee.

Now Angel’s made it her mission to seduce and destroy unsuspecting Todds who have never clipped on a pair of skis, promising her love plus complimentary beginner’s instruction. But what they’re about to receive is a lesson in righteous revenge! It’s all downhill from there, if-your-name-is-Todd.

 

 

Mastering the Art of Murder

A group of underappreciated stay-at-home mothers, using Julia Child’s classic Mastering the Art of French Cooking as their culinary bible, show no mercy to the ungrateful men in their lives. Casual adherence to Julia’s meticulously crafted recipes has never been so fatal!

Appetizers include:

Matt steps out of line attempting to whip up a weekend omelet for just himself without Julia’s recommended tablespoon of cold water. Matt’s wife Blaire gives him the working end of a properly seasoned cast-iron skillet then enjoys a chilled glass of Vouvray with her subpar omelet for one.

Henry is confident he can modify Julia’s Boeuf Bourguignon to reduce the amount of fat without compromising flavor. Girlfriend Ariel—knowing in her gut that Julia put the fat in there for a damn good reason—is equally confident that Julia’s crème brûlée could use a generous pinch of arsenic now that Henry has decided to mess with perfection. It’s a dessert to die for.

And there’s more on Julia’s menu, if you dare. Bon appetit!

 

Biopic: Madam Revenge-Porn Avenger

Janeane Garofalo plays Sara Jacobs, the technology entre-porn-neur revenge activist who designed the perfect smartphone app for women to use whenever they seek revenge-porn justice.

Although the story of Sara’s world-famous app has a happy ending, the programming whiz kid we know as “Madam Revenge-Porn Avenger” had a tough road in the beginning. Many a boyfriend was accidentally humiliated by buggy prototypes! Watch Sara’s early struggles to perfect her trademarked male-recognition software, MANparts, which instantly locks onto photos containing men behaving badly and whisks them to Wikileaks headquarters, triggering Andrea Dworkin to burst into the room, wrestle Julian Assange to the ground, and hit his “Send to entire world” button. Now that’s an algorithm!

And don’t miss Janeane’s hilarious outtakes with Julian Assange and Andrea Dworkin after the show!

 

Lifetime Network’s Two-Part Special Presentation: Retro Deadly!

Jake Preston has it all: looks, money, women, and an uncanny resemblance to Oscar Wilde (if you squint).

Jake may be wealthy and handsome but he’s also bored as hell. So, he heads uptown to check out a place that’s getting a lot of buzz: a retro, ‘60s-style coffee house called the Chartreuse Toulouse, where all the waitresses wear authentic vintage polyester yet still smell divine.

A cute, sexy waitress named Sunset turns Jake’s head, and he doesn’t hesitate when she invites him over to her “pad” after closing.

Sunset puts The Mamas & The Papas on her turntable to keep Jake in the retro mood. He’s really “digging it.” Little does Jake know that Sunset has special plans for him that don’t involve anything remotely groovy.

She slips him a mickey, which is so retro cool, and Jake passes out cold. The next thing he knows, he’s chained to a radiator wearing only a Nehru jacket and a paisley thong. Sunset orders Jake to sing Joni Mitchell songs for his supper, and only songs from Mitchell’s acoustic period… or he starves.

Part One: Shackled!
Part Two: Help Me, Joni!

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Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud

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Kate Heidel is a writer living in Minneapolis. Her website, Wear Your Cape, has been partnered with the news-satire outlet HumorFeed since 2009. She was a contributing columnist at Happy Woman Magazine, the original publisher of "How to Make Low Self-Esteem Work for You!" which later appeared in a French translation for Nunuche magazine. Sadly, Kate's French did not improve. More from this author →