Hey Ladies in Waiting

 

Based on the column of the same name that appeared in the beloved online magazine The Toast, Hey Ladies: The Story of 8 Best Friends, 1 Year, and Way, Way Too Many Emails is a laugh-out-loud read that follows a fictitious group of eight twenty-and-thirty-something female friends for one year of holidays, summer house rentals, dates, brunches, breakups, and, of course, the planning of a disastrous wedding. This instantly relatable story is told entirely through emails, texts, DMs, and every other form of communication known to man.

The piece below is original but offers a glimpse into the book’s hilarity and honesty. Hey Ladies! is out now and available for purchase!

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From: Meghan Markle
To: Meghan’s ‘Maids

Hey Ladies (in waiting, lol)!

I am so incredibly chuffed you all will be in our little wedding on May 19!! I believe the royal wedding planner has already reached out to all of you, but I thought it would be fun to go over some last-minute details here! I know lots of people/the international press is making a huge deal out of everything, but it’s still just me, your girl Meghan, and my fiancé, His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales. I promise I’m not one of those Bridezilla types!!

Here are a few last minute details:

Time to be there: The wedding will start at NOON, so please be at St. George’s Chapel no later than 2:45 a.m. for hair and makeup. As you know, my wedding dress and overall look isn’t being revealed until day-of, but for all of you I’ve enlisted the Queen Mother’s royal hairdresser and the royal makeup artist to create uniform complementary looks for all my ‘Maids. She is in her nineties, but she knows vintage!

Dresses: I know people have thrown out a lot of “Let’s wear something in the key of Pippa’s dress from William and Kate’s wedding!” in our group texts, but I’ve selected a much more fun dress that I think you all will love! Honestly, I’m jealous I can’t wear it myself! You know how the 1980s are back and everyone is wearing high-waisted jeans now? Well! In homage to that, your bridesmaid dresses are actually modeled after Princess Diana’s bridesmaid dresses, and they are so cute!

Jessica Mulroney: My BFF, and MoH, has generously offered to style all of you girls for a more cohesive look! I think I have to wear the crown jewels (so heavy! ugh!), but it might be fun if you all wear simple jewelry, perhaps something in the key of small stud earrings, no larger than 1/4-inch in diameter?

Priyanka Chopra/Serena Williams/Misha Nonoo: Can you all please confirm you’ve ordered the Princess Diana bridesmaid dresses by EOD?? If not, you’ll have to pay for rush shipping!

Kate Middleton: Let me know if you have any qs about being the guestbook attendant!

Chelsy Davy and Cressida Bonas: As you might have heard, two of Harry’s exes are attending the wedding which I am totally cool with! FYI, they’ll be seated at Table 829, the fun table made up of Harry’s fourth cousin the Duke of Teavana and Princess Michael of Kent.

Hashtags: I’m leaning towards: #WindsorTiesTheKnot or #TheNewBarackandMichelle or #MeghanAndHarryForever. What do you think??

So excited!!!! Let me know if you have any questions!! Boring legal talk: NDAs are attached, please sign ASAP!

Yay! That’s all I can think of! So excited you all will be in my wedding! As a PA once said on Suits, “that’s a wrap!” LOL.

Gotta go! We’re roasting a chicken!!

xoxo,
Meghan

 

From: Misha Nonoo
To: Meghan’s ‘Maids, Meghan Markle

Hi gals,

Could not be more excited for this event! I know some ladies (none of you, of course! Just in general) may grumble about a high-waisted dress ensemble but I actually have the figure for it! So I’m doubly excited, I suppose!

In terms of hair, would it be easiest if we came up with personalized vision boards for ourselves? For me, I’d prefer a mid-pony, but not sure how the rest of the girls think or feel about their hair. I know for many it can be a sensitive subject. Kate, I know you have to be extra cautious with how you style your tresses, as any damp squib of a look will no doubt end up in the penny-dreadful. Let us know if there’s wiggle room on that, Meggies?

Oh, that’s right, I did have one more small note, so tiny, practically invisible, haha, with the attached NDA. You’ll note that I initialed most every paragraph except one. I’ve passed it onto my lawyer for review but he suggested I bring this up in a casual space as to not make any trouble. Was wondering about the part where it says

…absolutely no guest, wedding attendee, friend, foe, or second cousin shall post any Instagram photography, Snapchat storybooks, or Facebook status updates. There will be thirteeen royal photographers present as well as dozens if not hundreds of local, national, and global media, therefore, we would really like you to kick back, relax, and enjoy this wedding like you would any wedding of any normal regular nobody!

As everyone here of course knows, I broke through the Instagram ceiling when I debuted my Spring/Summer 2016 collection on Instagram. Many people wonder, was this innovative or just because no one would give me a runway? To them I say, “what’s it to you?” Anyway, as a social media maven, I’d love to have free reign over my own iPhone during the event (sans the church, stuff, of course!). Hope that is not a problem! Feel free to resolve this off-thread, just cc my lawyer (currently bcc’d).

Let the countdown begin! Just a fortnight and a week away!

x,
Misha

 

From: Jessica Mulroney
To: Meghan’s ‘Maids, Meghan Markle

Hi all!

Wanted to follow up on Meggie’s note with a quick run-of-show update. I fear 2:45 a.m. is simply going to cut it too close. Can everyone make it by 1:45 a.m.? There will be tea and crumpets upon arrival, but please don’t eat them! A high-waisted dress is unforgiving. Maybe it’s best we all start juicing now. PM me and I can direct you to some of my favorite recipes (you have to try the double celery mocktail with celery garnish—so fun!).

As the “unofficial” wedding planner (but what the heck, let’s make it official if any of you get interviewed and asked about my role!) I wanted to remind everyone that there is a “no children” policy if your kids are under five. I have asked Sophie (Trudeau! I style her!) and her third assistant Olivia G. to recommend childcare services that we can fly to the UK for a few hours. I promise all childcare providers will be strictly screened. We will also have nanny cams available (using them requires you sign off on a few more forms, PM me and I can send you a Dropbox link).

Kate, I know your children will be present, but could you make sure Pippy (or whomever) tell the youngest to try not to cry during the ceremony? I am afraid there might be some feedback with the videographer’s sound and we also wouldn’t want that streaming on CNN for a “viral moment”! You had a perfect wedding and Meggie shall have one, too. Yay!

Misha, please forward me your social media concerns off-thread. I will take that off my best friend Meghan’s plate.

All best,
Jessica

 

 

From: Serena Williams
To: Meghan’s ‘Maids, Meghan Markle

Hi ladies,

Are these earrings okay? (See attached photo.) I know you said 1/4-inch diameter and these are about 1/2-inch with a diamond chandelier drop and gold stud backings but I don’t think anyone will be able to tell the difference! They were one of my push presents.

Let me know!

xx,
Serena

 

From: Jessica Mulroney
To: Meghan’s ‘Maids, Meghan Markle

Hi ladies!

Serena—these earrings are not okay, though I do appreciate a push present! 1/4-inch diameter was not a suggestion 🙂 Haha!

xx
Jessica

 

From: Imogene Doolittle
To: Meghan’s ‘Maids, Meghan Markle

Hi Ladies,

Catherine is very much looking forward to the big day. She regrets to inform you she won’t be able to fulfill the role of Guestbook Attendant, and sends her regrets.

Please remove her from these threads going forward, beginning immediately.

Best,
Imogene
Social Secretary to Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Cambridge

 

From: Jessica Mulroney
To: Meghan Markle

Meghan,

Taking this off-thread a sec. Are you okay with Kate backing out of guestbook duty? Also, what, so busy you can’t write your own emails, Kate? Someone’s let the royal jewels on her head GO to her head, IF you know what I mean (hahahhahaha).

Here if you need to talk,
Jessica

 

From: Meghan Markle
To: Jessica Mulroney

LOL, right???? DEAD. Was the guestbook attendant move too Miranda at that wedding at the Plaza on Sex and the City? Gotta go, watching some Man United!

Cheerio!
M

 

From: Jessica Mulroney
To: Meghan’s ‘Maids, Meghan Markle, Imogene Doolittle

Hey ladies,

Not a problem, Kate. Or should I say “Imogene”? Haha! We’ll have to put Misha on guestbook duty but I’m sure she won’t mind. Right M? Anything for you! PS—such a sweet name for your new bundle of royal joy!

The rest—still haven’t heard back on dresses and I’d like to start talking shoes. Possible for everyone to try to lose a shoe size or two by the day of the wedding? You never know what angles the royal photog will capture.

x,
Jess

 

From: Meghan Markle
To: Meghan’s ‘Maids, Imogene Doolittle

Hey Ladies!

I’m just in a lift right now at the Soho House and thought I’d take a moment to respond! (FYI—for my North American ladies, lift = elevator!) I’m so glad everyone is excited about the high waisted dresses! I had a feeling you’d love them! 😉

A couple more details:

Shoes: There will be grass at some point during the wedding festivities, so I suggest you all wear a sensible shoe, with a heel no higher than 1/8 of an inch. I’ll be in three-inch shoes, but I am so envious you get to be in flats! The Queen, or as I’ll soon be calling her, Her Royal Highness, has some great shoe options that are like Easy Spirit meets an orthopedic shoe—I can find out where she shops!

Timing: I love Jessica’s new run of show! On second thought, 1:45 a.m. might be cutting it too close—can everyone please arrive at my place/castle no later than 11 p.m. for hair and make up! We’ll have tea (British for coffee) and crumpets (British for… I’m not sure, I haven’t actually tried one yet! #SweatingfortheWedding)

WhatsApp: Can everyone please download “whatsapp” (it’s a fun app!) and join the group “Megs ‘Maids”?? We’re so close to The Big Day, and at this point I need to make sure we are all in constant 24/7 communication for any last-minute issues that come up.

Thanks ‘Maids!!

Love,
Meghan

 

From: HRH The Duchess of Cambridge
To: Meghan’s ‘Maids, Meghan Markle, Imogene Doolittle

Hey Ladies!

You can remove me from these emails. It’s clogging up my inbox.

Love,
Kate
Mother of the third, fourth, and fifth in line to the throne

 

From: Jessica Mulroney
To: Meghan’s ‘Maids, Meghan Markle, Imogene Doolittle

Hey Ladies!

I just ordered 1/4-inch diamond studs for everyone so we have a more uniform bridesmaid look! They are from Botswana, since that’s where Meghan and Harry spent their early courtship. So fun, right?! Can everyone please Venmo me $1699 by EOD.

Now that I’m reviewing it, the low updo that Meghan would like all of us to wear will probably take longer than we originally thought. Please be at the castle for hair and makeup no later than 5 p.m. on May 18. We can sleep on May 20! I’m moving everyone to BCC now.

Thank you for your compliance!

So excited! YAY!!!!

xoxo,
Jessica

 

From: Jessica Mulroney
To: Meghan’s ‘Maids, Meghan Markle, Imogene Doolittle

Hi ladies!

Me again! Just wanted to send a quick update to the run of show. Be there at 3 p.m. on May 17. This will give us a forty-eight hour window for hair and makeup to ensure no snags. We’ll provide meals, sleeping quarters, and of course, childcare for those of you with little ones at home!

Just sent a cal invite—can everyone respond to it now? I’ll follow up if I don’t hear back in ten minutes!

xx
J


Michelle Markowitz is a writer and director. She recently wrote and directed the pilot "Sidepiece" for Virgin Produced. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, The Hairpin, Fast Company, Jezebel, and New York, and on The Today Show, Good Morning America, MTV, and more. She lives in New York. Caroline Moss has written for New York Magazine, the New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Racked, The Hairpin, Business Insider, and more. She lives in New York. More from this author →