Not only am I organizing the first ever McRib eating contest, I plan on being the first champion as well. You’ve got a fighting chance of coming in second, Doug. Nobody else is really getting on board so all you’d have to do is show up and the silver’s yours.

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I’m eating candy for dinner, Doug, so I can go to the dentist. The more X-rays I get, the more radiation I’m exposed to. If science has taught us anything, it’s that exposure to radiation unleashes your superpowers. Yeah, I just slip that apron thing off when he’s not looking. Actually, I feel we all have superpowers, Doug. Even you. You have the power to be a fucking drag all the time. Hey, Captain Apathy, arch enemy of good times, mind passing me those Mike ‘n Ikes?

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So far the voices in my head are just telling me to eat a lot of frozen pizza and watch Nick At Night, so I see no need to start taking these pills. Oh, Doug, that was one time, and everyone at Walmart knew I was having a spell.

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Got one raft for me, one for the twelver of Coors Light, and one for the boom box. This is how you throw a pool party, Doug! Of course I’m using the extension cord. You see the cost of D-cell batteries these days? Well, unless you want to sit there and sing all of ZZ Top’s “Eliminator” while I soak in this beautiful afternoon, I suggest you leave that thing plugged in. Now fuck off. You’re blocking my sun.

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No, it’s because they were honey-roasted. I think I must be allergic to honey roasting or something. These are just plain so I’ll be fine.

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See, you’re just falling for the media depiction of it. If heroin’s really that bad, why are are the best artists and musicians into it? Besides, you can go totally green if you share needles. You’re the one always talking about our carbon footprint, Doug.

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The problem with the Guardian Angels is that they travel in packs, Doug. You can see ‘em coming from a mile away, so everyone stops doing their illegal shit before they can get caught. It’s a temporary solution. But if it’s just me on the subway, nobody will know that I’m, you know, a guy they shouldn’t fuck with. Criminals’ll be all, like, “Gimme your money” and then I’ll be all, like, “Oh, yeah? Well, looks like all I have in my wallet is five FINGERS TO YOUR FACE!” And boom, I just get him with a right slap or whatever and that’ll give me time to get out my bo staff in case there’s a bunch of ‘em. I’ll consider your silence as a “thank you” for making the streets safer for you, Douglas.

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Lead paint’s only dangerous to babies and Superman. I know you’re not Superman, but you can be a real goddamn baby so maybe it’s best you stay away from my art. You wouldn’t get it anyway—I’m mostly influenced by Cubanism. No, I’m pretty sure it’s “Cubanism.” Because Picasso was Cuban, dummy. I read it on Wikipedia.

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I know alligators don’t understand English, you asshole. It’s all about the tone of voice you use. Just you watch, Doug. Twenty minutes of sweet-talking and this beast will be begging to become a new pair of boots.

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This is what I’m talking about—if I have to explain why a homemade zip line is the best idea ever, I’m just wasting my time with you, Doug. You just keep on walking all the way to the mail box every day. I’ll be busy doing some kind of awesome shit with all this time I’m gonna save.

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It’ll just be me and the open sea, Doug. A what? No, no. None of that bullshit. I’m just gonna navigate by the stars like a true explorer. If all goes according to plan, I should be back in a couple weeks. Got an appointment with the optometrist that I’ve been putting off for quite a while now, so I want to get back in time for that.

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No, the sign said “water is not portable.” “Potable?” Is that another one from Doug’s Dictionary Of Words He Pulls Out Of His Ass? I don’t know why it wouldn’t be portable. Listen, I’m hot and thirsty, so this is no time for one of your little “Quiz Show” moments.

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“Load-bearing walls” is a myth made up by the carpenters’ union to scare people away from doing their own home improvements. Fine, then don’t help. But don’t plan on enjoying the kick-ass Japanese rock garden I’m putting in the basement. Perfectly balanced feng shui isn’t for the unappreciative, Doug, so good luck finding transcendental peace somewhere else.

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Best thing you can do if you come across a pack of mountain lions is try to grab one of the cubs. That way you have some way of negotiating with ‘em. Fine, Doug, you go right on ahead and square off with a mountain lion empty-handed. See where that gets you.

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Doug, check it out! I fixed the microwave so it runs even when the door’s open. No more wasting time with all this “open, close, open, close” bullshit. Yeah, well sometimes I feel like you’re gonna give me cancer.

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Fuck it, Doug. I’m sick of renting and this place is super affordable. Well if this whole “used to be an Indian burial ground” thing bums you out so much, then I guess I won’t be seeing you at my housewarming pool party. More leftover fried chicken for me then.

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I’ll just use the hose, Doug. Yeah, I know they have sprays for these types of things, but a.) it’s not like I can just pull six bucks out of my ass whenever I want, and b.) last time I checked, hornets can’t swim.

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That’s entirely untrue. Brightly-colored snakes aren’t venomous, Doug, they’re fabulous. The reds and yellows are just a reptile’s way of saying, “Hey world, get a load of me!” They’re not dangerous, but they can be fierce. You know what I’m saying?

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That’s the problem with undercover cops, Doug. They’re still cops, you know? They’ve still got all those rules to follow. It’s too limiting to do any good. But if I go in there all bounty hunter style, on top of my mastery of disguise—no, you don’t understand, Doug! Oh, just shut the fuck up and give me the fake moustache already.

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Cops said if I get caught huffing again they’re locking me up, but they didn’t say nothing about painting an unventilated bathroom over and over again. You can either join me or judge me, Douglas, but don’t just stand there with the door open. You’re letting all the party out of here.

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Have fun on the bus to Fargo, Doug. I just won a coin toss with some guitar player and now I’ve got a seat on a plane. Who? The guy who sang “La Bamba?” And Buddy Holly? Really, Doug? Who else was on this bullshit plane crash of yours—Bigfoot and Snow White? What? “American Pie” is obviously a song about drinking and driving. Why don’t you use your bus ride to brush up on your music history, buddy.

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Fuck the tour group, Doug. These guys want to take us back to their village and show us the real Amazon. Besides, remember how the guide even said there’s cannabis all over this part of the jungle? Let’s get fucked up with the natives! They’ve probably got the best shit. You’re paranoid. He clearly said “cannabis.” Fine, tell everyone else I ran off with the boogymen and they’ve got me over a barbeque. Tell them I’m totally toasted, Douglas. Get it? Toasted, like from weed.

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Why would you pay for a Mr. Pibb when you can just tip these machines a little and shake one out? Christ, Doug, you’d be a millionaire if you weren’t such a sucker.

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Shit, I put my cyanide pill in the same pocket as my Mentos again. What? Why do I carry around Mentos? Fresh breath, dummy. Oh, the other thing. Because, Doug, I know things. Let’s just say there was a lot of “intelligence” I collected before they kicked me out of the National Guard.

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So I figured why pay for a pure breed when there’s a ton of rescue pit bulls out there already, you know? Just gotta make sure to wrestle with him on a regular basis to display dominance. And always, always make eye contact. If these dogs don’t respect you as a worthy foe, they’re just gonna piss all over everything and chew up your cds.

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There’s no such thing as a bad neighborhood when you’ve got a purple belt in taekwondo, Doug.

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How many times do I have to tell you that I can’t go to the hospital, Doug? I’m a Christian Scientist! It goes against my beliefs to have health insurance. Plus it saves me a shit-ton of money. How do you think I could afford the dirt bike in the first place? Shit, Doug, I think that’s a major artery. If you want to help, hold my hand and pray for the bleeding to stop.

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No, you’re confused, Doug. “Asbestos” was the name of that Greek drive-thru they converted into a free clinic. This is insulation that’s going keep my bad-ass fort warm come winter time. No girls allowed unless it’s your mom, bro.

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Why would I open the garage door if I’m trying to warm up the car, Doug? If I open the door, then the cold air gets in. If the cold air gets in, the car isn’t going to get warm, is it? Might as well blow your nose in that college degree of yours.

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Anyone can tame a grizzly bear, Doug. Shit’s hack. But a polar bear? I hope you’re not too uncomfortable sleeping on that bed of money I just made for us.

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