Posts by: Kyle Kinane

Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #48

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I’m eating candy for dinner, Doug, so I can go to the dentist. The more X-rays I get, the more radiation I’m exposed to. If science has taught us anything, it’s that exposure to radiation unleashes your superpowers. Yeah, I just slip that apron thing off when he’s not looking. Actually, I feel we all […]

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Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #43

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The problem with the Guardian Angels is that they travel in packs, Doug. You can see ‘em coming from a mile away, so everyone stops doing their illegal shit before they can get caught. It’s a temporary solution. But if it’s just me on the subway, nobody will know that I’m, you know, a guy […]

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Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #42

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Lead paint’s only dangerous to babies and Superman. I know you’re not Superman, but you can be a real goddamn baby so maybe it’s best you stay away from my art. You wouldn’t get it anyway—I’m mostly influenced by Cubanism. No, I’m pretty sure it’s “Cubanism.” Because Picasso was Cuban, dummy. I read it on […]

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Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #39

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It’ll just be me and the open sea, Doug. A what? No, no. None of that bullshit. I’m just gonna navigate by the stars like a true explorer. If all goes according to plan, I should be back in a couple weeks. Got an appointment with the optometrist that I’ve been putting off for quite […]

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Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #37

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“Load-bearing walls” is a myth made up by the carpenters’ union to scare people away from doing their own home improvements. Fine, then don’t help. But don’t plan on enjoying the kick-ass Japanese rock garden I’m putting in the basement. Perfectly balanced feng shui isn’t for the unappreciative, Doug, so good luck finding transcendental peace […]

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Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #32

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That’s entirely untrue. Brightly-colored snakes aren’t venomous, Doug, they’re fabulous. The reds and yellows are just a reptile’s way of saying, “Hey world, get a load of me!” They’re not dangerous, but they can be fierce. You know what I’m saying? More. Live in the Bay Area? You can catch Kyle Kinane tonight at The […]

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Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #31

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That’s the problem with undercover cops, Doug. They’re still cops, you know? They’ve still got all those rules to follow. It’s too limiting to do any good. But if I go in there all bounty hunter style, on top of my mastery of disguise—no, you don’t understand, Doug! Oh, just shut the fuck up and […]

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Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #30

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Cops said if I get caught huffing again they’re locking me up, but they didn’t say nothing about painting an unventilated bathroom over and over again. You can either join me or judge me, Douglas, but don’t just stand there with the door open. You’re letting all the party out of here. More.

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Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #29

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Have fun on the bus to Fargo, Doug. I just won a coin toss with some guitar player and now I’ve got a seat on a plane. Who? The guy who sang “La Bamba?” And Buddy Holly? Really, Doug? Who else was on this bullshit plane crash of yours—Bigfoot and Snow White? What? “American Pie” […]

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Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #28

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Fuck the tour group, Doug. These guys want to take us back to their village and show us the real Amazon. Besides, remember how the guide even said there’s cannabis all over this part of the jungle? Let’s get fucked up with the natives! They’ve probably got the best shit. You’re paranoid. He clearly said […]

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Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #26

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Shit, I put my cyanide pill in the same pocket as my Mentos again. What? Why do I carry around Mentos? Fresh breath, dummy. Oh, the other thing. Because, Doug, I know things. Let’s just say there was a lot of “intelligence” I collected before they kicked me out of the National Guard. More.

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Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #25

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So I figured why pay for a pure breed when there’s a ton of rescue pit bulls out there already, you know? Just gotta make sure to wrestle with him on a regular basis to display dominance. And always, always make eye contact. If these dogs don’t respect you as a worthy foe, they’re just […]

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