“Do it underwater to make it really badass.”  You know who said that?  Henry Houdini.  Now help me with the straightjacket and put the padlocks on.  Those girls will be here soon and I want to be ready to jump in the pool right when they walk in. Bitches love magic, Doug, and I’m not gonna blow it this time with a bunch of conversation up front.

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I shouldn’t smoke in bed? Look out that window, Doug. Is that a Russian flag hanging on my flagpole? No, it’s not. It’s a U-S-of-God-blessed-A flag. When those beautiful stars and stripes fall to a hammer and sickle, that’s when I’ll stop smoking in bed. Now bring me a milk or fuck off or both.

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I’m a volunteer fireman, Doug. I just show up where I can when I can, you know? Well, I assume the training is voluntary as well. I’m not gonna waste a whole afternoon listening to some guy tell me that water puts out a fire.

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You got it all wrong, Doug. You can’t use the elevator if there’s a fire. This is an earthquake, so press “L” and stop bitching. We don’t have a lot of time.

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Where did I put my car keys, Doug? All this NyQuil’s gonna kick in soon, so I’m taking off. Gotta try and outrun this nap.

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These fucking DUIs are killing me, Doug. That’s why I’m getting my pilot’s license. No cops in the sky, buddy.

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We can cross right here. No, it’s perfectly fine. This state has a little something called pedestrian right-of-way, Doug. You can just step out into traffic whenever you want and the cars have to let you go. Of course they’ll stop—it’s the law.

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You don’t have to pay the mafia back if you can outsmart them, Doug. Check out this wig.

I think I might be an adrenaline junkie, Doug. Well, sure, there’s still the regular junkie part too. But the meth is only fun now when I’m doing crazy shit like racing cars or running from the cops.

I’m sure they’re dolphins, Doug.  Well then you can slather some SPF 80 on your pussy and sit here on the beach with the rest of the moms.  I rented this boogie board for the whole afternoon and I’ll be damned if some goddamn fish is gonna trump me out of 18 dollars.

Scuba lessons are just swimming lessons but with a backpack, Doug. Since I already know how to swim and I definitely know how to wear a backpack, looks like I’m a scuba diver. “The bends?” Sounds like an old wives’ tale to me.

You probably stood up too fast.  All day?  Maybe you’ve been standing up too fast all day then.  No, we’re not getting one.  Because, Doug, those detectors are just a scam invented by the battery companies.  Because if I can’t see it or smell it or taste it then it doesn’t exist, Doug.  Scientific law.  Fine, you go have fun at the Best Western then.

Look at how fat that cop is, Doug.  Seriously, if you just took his gun and started running, what could he do?  He wouldn’t catch you.  Well, not you specifically.  I’m just saying someone could.  Oh yeah, Mr. Naysayer?  Why don’t you hold my cheese steak and watch what not being a big pussy all the time looks like.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to snort it, smoke it, shoot it, or cram it up my asshole.  All I know is it was pretty cheap, so I’ll probably have to do a lot of it right off the bat just to feel anything.  Don’t wander off, Doug.  I might need a Sherpa for this one.

No, no, no—you wear rubber boots for plumbing work.  Think about it, Doug.  If the pipe breaks, you don’t want your feet to get wet.  For electrical stuff it doesn’t matter.  Now throw me the wire snipper thingy.  We’re getting some motherfucking cable.

Feng shui? Fuck that, Doug. This katana sword is going right over the headboard. It’s sexy.

I think that’s a female grizzly, Doug.  I heard somewhere that you’re supposed to expose your genitals so that she knows you’re a dominant male.  I don’t know where I heard it, I just heard it, okay?  I don’t care if the cubs are behind us, in front of us, or if you’re juggling them—just get your dick out and start acting real macho.

I just don’t trust privatized health care, Doug.  I’ll just keep putting Neosporin on it and we’ll see what happens.  And I thought a Brown Recluse is what you called a Mexican shut-in!  Christ, lighten up, Doug.  If you’re getting up, grab me a Vitamin Water, will you?  I’m starting to get the spins.

Running with the bulls, my ass.  Didn’t you see the videos, Doug?  They get to a leisurely trot at best in the straightaways and slide all over in the corners.  I’m wearing my flip flops.  Probably gonna want to hit the pool after.

For our first installment of “Ask a Male Comedian” Kyle Kinane agreed to answer questions from Rumpus readers.  Don’t like the questions? You have only yourselves to blame:

Rumpus Reader: Why are female comedians so much funnier than male comedians? …more