Rupinder Gill lives in the Republic of Seychelles where she runs a bed and breakfast with her husband, the actor Ryan Gosling. She is a two-time winner of the National Book Award, and a three-time winner of the Miss Seychelles beauty pageant.

Rupinder Gill is the author of the bestselling urban detective series Tyler Perry Presents Murders. Prior to this, Gill ran a successful photography business specializing in nudes of the male actors from the television series True Blood.

This is Rupinder Gill’s fifth book in her award-winning Golden Girls erotica series. She lives in Miami.

Douchebags Are a Girl’s Best Friend is Rupinder Gill’s debut novel, under the mentorship of her literary idol, Tucker Max.

This is Rupinder Gill’s first book and last book. After trying to add homemade Oprah’s Book Club stickers to it at a Newark Barnes & Noble, she was tased to death by a security guard on a power trip.

Rupinder Gill is an award-entering writer whose book Later That Night was discovered to be a plagiarism of Elie Wiesel’s renowned memoir.

For not writing a book, Rupinder Gill has been awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction twice to make up for 2012.

This is Rupinder Gill’s only book. It was hailed by Michiko Kakutani as “one too many.”

This is Rupinder Gill’s 85th self-published book. She recently moved back in with her parents.

***

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Because in real life, sex can be boring…

***

INT. OF DIMLY LIT RESTAURANT, NIGHT. An attractive woman in her 40s stands up and bursts into tears as she sees a man walk towards her table. 

KELLY: I can’t believe you came! Twenty years I’ve waited. There was never anyone but you, Ryan. You’re the one! You’ve always been the one!

RYAN: Oh man, I totally forgot about that. I just get takeout from here sometimes. Sorry, it’s Rhonda, right? Try the salmon teriyaki.

***

EXT. DAY, NEW YORK CITY. A couple in their early 20s sits on a park bench.

GERT: I didn’t think you’d call.

JOE: Actually, I didn’t plan to, but I was hoping you’d loan me $10 so I can get back to Park Slope.

GERT: I’d invite you back to my place, but my roommate has a “no overnight guests policy,” and well, we have bedbugs again.

JOE: Hey, it’s cool. I’d rather get back home. When we met at the bar last night, the light was dimmer, and I didn’t realize your face was like that.

Gert gets up and walks away crying. She doesn’t look back, because that angle gives her a double chin. 

***

INT. OF TRENDY BAR, NIGHT. A man approaches a woman sitting at the bar. 

MAN: Waiting for someone?

WOMAN: No, I just saw Samantha do this on Sex and the City, so I’ve sat at this bar every night since 2009, waiting for men to talk to me.

MAN: Cool. Excuse me while I pretend to take a call even though I lost my iPhone yesterday in a cab.

***

INT. SHABBY LIVING ROOM, DAY. Roommates COLIN and JANET sit in their Astoria apartment.

JANET: You know what they say, true love’s always just under your nose. Come on, let’s go out to a beautiful romantic spot in the West Village so I can take off my glasses and you can realize how beautiful I am.

COLIN: That’s like an hour on the N train! And why spend 12 bucks on a drink? Let’s just look under the futon mattress for change and get beer.

JANET: Whatever, I have to work at two of my three jobs tomorrow. I’m going to bed.

Janet walks to her room and goes to slam the door, until she remembers it’s only a curtain partitioning off the living room.

***

INT. TRENDY NIGHTCLUB, NIGHT. A song by Nickelback featuring Pitbull fills the room. Slow motion montage: a man walks through the club, sets his sights on a beautiful woman and heads her way.

GUY: Hi. I find you attractive. Do you find me attractive? One day you’ll age, and I can promise you, sweetheart, you’ll never regret going home with that guy from the club who’s a total tomcat in the sack.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: Dude, you know other people besides you were allowed to see Crazy Stupid Love, too, right?

***

INT. ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT, NIGHT. A 46 year-old-Orthodontist sits at his computer filling out his J-Date profile. For his profile photo, he uploads a photo of Brad Pitt’s torso from Fight Club.

***

Please submit your own funny writing to funnywomen AT therumpus dot net. See first: Funny Women Submission Guidelines.

To read other Funny Women pieces and interviews, see the archives.

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