Rumpus Columns

Brian Schwartz

January 31st, 2012

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #41: Ferlinghetti Super Bowl Preview

Lawrence Ferlinghetti, the iconic poet and co-founder of City Lights bookstore, was just warming up to pro football again when his home team, the San Francisco 49ers, lost this year’s NFC conference championship in heartbreaking fashion to the New York Giants. …more

November 18th, 2011

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #40: Shrinking Paterno

Somehow, though I haven’t watched a single minute of NFL television coverage yet this fall, I have been unable to escape the Coors Light beer commercials featuring shrunken mini-likenesses of famous former NFL coaches. …more

July 20th, 2011

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #39: It Gets Better

In late June, several days before Derek Jeter went yard with his milestone 3,000th hit as a Yankee, something even more incredible happened in the State of New York: the State Senate passed a bill legalizing same-sex marriage. …more

June 21st, 2011

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #38: Highlight Reel

Dear L.,

You started walking about a month ago. At first, you could only make it five or six steps before losing your footing—before dropping, a bit violently, into a sitting position on the floor. …more

June 1st, 2011

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #37: Snake Bite

In the Book of Job, a capricious, punishing God speaks from behind the obscuring protection of a whirlwind. …more

April 21st, 2011

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #36: Manny Ramirez’s Final Performance

The biggest news of this young baseball season is that Manny Ramirez is hanging up his batting gloves and saying goodbye to the Major Leagues. This is sad because Ramirez was one of the game’s great natural hitters and because he was (probably without meaning to be, but occasionally I wasn’t really sure) one of the most compelling performance artists in pro sports. …more

March 10th, 2011

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #35: The Monster and Carmelo Anthony

Thanks to the most anticipated trade of this year’s NBA season, Carmelo Anthony (“Melo” for short) has left behind the soothing powder blue uniform of the Denver Nuggets and switched to the orange-and-royal-blue hues of the New York Knicks. …more

January 28th, 2011

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #34: From Dallas to Eternity

The Pittsburgh Steelers are headed to the Super Bowl yet again. It’s their third trip to the championship game in six years, despite a season shadowed by controversy. During the regular season—before the season started, even—the Steelers seemed to be in the news every week. …more

December 21st, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #33: Collapse of the Metrodome

I should have known, when the New York Knicks began winning in November, that some sort of rift was opening up in the firewall that keeps our dreams separate from our collective reality. …more

November 24th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #32: The Quarterback Birthright

When you hear the word rivalry, do you think of old-fashioned sibling throat-grabbing? Are you reminded, for instance, of the moment in the Book of Genesis when Joseph’s brothers rip off his famous ornamented coat and sell their annoyingly prophetic sibling into slavery? Or do you think of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning? …more

October 28th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #31: Ben Roethlisberger and Flannery O’Connor

Ben Roethlisberger, the Pittsburgh quarterback disgraced last spring when a 20-year-old college student accused him of sexually assaulting her in a bar, is back on the field after serving a four-game suspension, and his Steelers are an impressive 5-1. …more

September 3rd, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #30: The Football Hold

Hey Football Fans,

Have you been watching a lot of NFL preseason games lately? Or have you, like me, mostly been watching breastfeeding? …more

August 9th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #29: My Elevator Ride With Captain America

In July, two nights after my daughter was born, I took the subway home from the hospital in the very early morning and spilled water all over the floor of the N train. The water poured out of a vase of celebratory roses sent by my parents, which I had put in a paper bag and nestled between my tired feet; when I fell asleep the vase toppled over in the bag and slowly seeped its lifeblood out through the brown paper. …more

July 6th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #28: The Toss-Up Talcum Chronicle

Much ado about LeBron James, Haruki Murakami, free agency, and home. …more

June 26th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #27: Stars, Stripes, Studded Bras

I love what Landon Donovan told CBS News about the goal he scored at the end of the U.S. – Algeria match last Wednesday in the World Cup. “When that ball came to me, the net looked like the ocean,” Donovan said. That’s an improvised lyric about how it feels to be good at scoring goals. …more

June 9th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #26: Women and Children First

What follows is an extrapolation, based on my wife’s July due date and the actual match schedule of the 2010 World Cup. …more

May 28th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #25: The Angelic Name

In 1994, David Foster Wallace published an essay about the difficult-to-pin-down pleasure of watching great athletes during their most intense moments of competition. The essay, “How Tracy Austin Broke My Heart,” looks simple on the surface: it is “unaccompanied,” by which I mean there are no numbered footnotes, no preambles, no subtitles and no flow charts framing or attached to the text. …more

April 28th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #24: Jenna Jameson’s Father Dials 911

The porn star Jenna Jameson, now a 36-year-old mother of 13-month-old twins, was never trained to hit anybody or to defend herself from being hit.

Her boyfriend Tito Ortiz, a 6-foot-3, 205-pound damage artist, is a former light heavyweight Ultimate Fighting champ. …more

April 9th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #23: Underdog Tattoo

One time I was in the checkout line at the grocery store, standing behind a dark-haired woman whose left arm was covered in tattoos. Another shopper—a young man wearing a summery straw hat—approached the woman and asked, “Do you mind if I take a picture of your heart tattoo to show my cardiologist stepfather?” …more

March 18th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #22: The Army Awakened

On writing about war:

This year, according to my careful calculations (or at least according to the bracket I just hastily filled out), Syracuse University will win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. …more

February 17th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #21: Skiing With Rifles

“It’s not a sport if you can play it with a beer in one hand.” …more

January 22nd, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #20: Fumble Recovery

What was the best play made by a wide receiver during last weekend’s NFL playoff games? Hint: it wasn’t a touchdown catch.

Last Saturday night, during the Indianapolis Colts-Baltimore Ravens matchup, Colts wide receiver Pierre Garçon showed amazing heart and hustle. Here’s what happened: …more

January 6th, 2010

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Columns #19: Call Me By Your Game

When I need a haircut, I go to a barbershop run by a pair of balding Italian brothers in Park Slope, Brooklyn. My hair is thin enough now that I’m no longer sure how often I should have it trimmed; is it better to keep it short all the time so people know I’m not trying to hide anything? …more

December 15th, 2009

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #18: Burning Bright

My friend Eric brought me a present from his latest trip to Africa: a margarine-yellow soccer jersey with racy red stripes that slash down from the shoulders. …more

October 31st, 2009

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #17: The Spider, the Simpleton and the Nonchalant Catch

Imagine a World Series primer narrated by Kenny Powers, the mullet-headed hero of the HBO comedy series “Eastbound and Down.” …more

October 14th, 2009

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #16: Wildcat, Baby

KC3529_l_hbThis past week’s pro football storylines were, in a word, beautiful. First of all, before the games even began, there was the matter of Rush Limbaugh wanting to become an owner of the St. Louis Rams. The Rams totally suck this year, so something in Limbaugh’s wanting a piece of them feels, I don’t know, almost tender. …more

September 16th, 2009

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #15: The Belgian Chocolate Training Regimen

The U.S. Open tennis tournament came to a close Monday night when a very tall Argentine with many, many names beat the heavily favored Roger Federer in a marathon five-set match. …more

September 1st, 2009

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #14: Tailgating with Jesus

jesus_footballLately, for my own edification and in preparation for the upcoming NFL season, I’ve been reading through the King James Bible. …more

August 17th, 2009

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column #13: Roberto Bolano Counts His Pitches

39aA few nights ago I dreamed I was a member of the New York Yankees. …more

July 27th, 2009

A FAN’S NOTES, The Rumpus Sports Column: #12 Running Backs in Love

imageDB-1Last week, D.H. Lawrence wasn’t mentioned by name in any sports sections, and no professional athletes cited The Rainbow in their postgame interviews. But there were intriguing baseball- and football-related stories about the line between violence and love, anger and passion, manhood and mania—and what could be more Lawrentian than that? …more

About Brian Schwartz

Brian Schwartz teaches writing at New York University. His fiction and nonfiction have appeared in print publications on both coasts, and online at Ascent and Mr. Beller's Neighborhood.

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