Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing personalized pens.

Personalized pens are perfect gifts. They are cheap and useful and personalizing one reminds the recipient where the gift came from. It’s a way to say hello in the middle of the night or during a quiet moment without being as intrusive or alarming as showing up in person.

Everyone uses a pen, so it is pretty much the best place to advertise. Better than TV (Amish) and better than billboards (speeders). The only demographic unreachable by a pen is the blind. That is until someone starts manufacturing personalized pens in braille. Blind people won’t be able to avoid them!

During my run for the Presidency I purchased 30,000 pens with my name on them intended as gifts for potential voters. I was only able to give away about 20 pens but now the rest are collectibles. Much like that stamp with the upside down plane on it, my pens are made even more collectible because my name is misspelled as “Tad.” (If you would like to purchase one of my pens, please leave a comment at the end of this review with your name, address, and credit card number. I am selling these pieces of American history for only $9.99 each plus shipping and handling.)

Sometimes I get so distracted by the hotel name or medication name written on the side of my pen while using it, that I will accidentally write that name down in the middle of a letter. That’s how powerful this form of advertising is. It’s called viral marketing. And that’s why I’ve started signing my letters as “Tad.”

When someone combines personalized pens with those naked lady pens where her clothes slide off, a lot of money is going to be made. Men love naked ladies.

I had a naked lady pen that I would use when writing erotic letters to my wife. It helped get me in the mood. I know it may sound like cheating but that’s why I taped a photograph of my wife’s face over the naked lady’s body. I suppose in my own way I had personalized that pen myself. I was very sad to lose that pen during a break-in. Now some burglar is out there imagining what my wife could look like naked if she were still alive. My letters got a lot more boring after I lost that pen.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Necco Wafers.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my new cologne.

At only $5.99 for 24 Fl oz., the new cologne from 7-11 sounds like too good of a deal to pass up. Especially when your body is producing some odors that you can’t seem to get rid of.

But here’s the catch: it’s not cologne, it’s perfume. But they don’t tell you that. The moment I opened the jar I knew it wasn’t cologne. It smelled so fruity and feminine, like a strawberry pony. I tried wearing some of it anyway because my attempt at brewing a homemade cologne earlier in the evening had gone so poorly.

The name Dancer’s D-lite, it’s very misleading. To me that sounds like a cologne, as if the odor would be a delight to dancers, who I typically think of as female. It was very poor branding.

Just after I splashed some around my worst smelling areas, I noticed that the expiration date had passed. Since it was no longer good as an odor, and since I’ve only known food products and medication – things that are meant to be ingested – to have expiration dates, I decided to have a taste. Only after ingesting some did I decide to Google search the product, where I discovered it may be some genetic manipulator for goat milk.

It turned out it didn’t taste so bad. And the odor matched the flavor exactly. I know this because I’ve eaten pony before. I’m not proud to have eaten pony, but what’s done is done and I’m not going to lie to you about it.

As a cologne, I simply can’t recommend this. As a beverage, the price is still a bit steep, but if you’re thirsty and there aren’t any other choices, then okay.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing hair.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing strollers.

They say that necessity is the mother of invention, so whoever invented the stroller must have had their arms too full to hold a baby. I’m not sure what else he or she may have been carrying. Perhaps other, better babies. Or maybe something that if you put it down, it would run away. Like a kidnapped baby. Or a squirrel. I had one of those run away on me once.

The stroller, originally called a baby carriage, first appeared centuries ago. Some scientists believe it was not invented for infant transport, but that it was intended to be a watermelon carrier. I have a theory that if the inventor of the stroller was baby-sized, then clearly the intent was a car of some sort.

It’s impossible to know for certain what the inventor intended. All we know is that the original baby stroller is pathetic when compared to a modern stroller, with it’s all-terrain wheels and iPod holders.

Today’s stroller can fold up, but what is gained in convenience is lost in safety, as there is an increased risk of injury if the baby is not removed first. I’ve never seen such an accident firsthand, but I have imagined it in great detail and let me tell you, it’s disgusting.

Stroller manufacturers reading this will probably immediately recall any folding strollers for fear of a lawsuit. I’ve also seen a number of strollers that were accidentally made with three wheels instead of four. Those should be recalled as well.

For this review I decided to purchase the best stroller out there and test it out. I didn’t have the $700 needed, so I had to sell my car. I was still $100 short so I donated a lot of blood. Possibly too much blood, because as I was leaving the department store with my brand new stroller, I began to feel dizzy. I hoped the stroller might work as a walker, but the thing just rolled out from under me and into traffic, where it was hit by a truck. The driver sped off. I don’t think the inventor of the stroller ever anticipated it could wreak such havoc.

Much like a stand-alone KFC that has gone out of business and been replaced by a bank, a stroller looks out of place when being used for anything other than baby transport. After retrieving mine I tried using it as a golf club and got quite a few stares. Without a baby in it, a stroller is almost useless.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Julia Roberts.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing hippos.

If you’ve never seen a hippopotamus (or “hippo” for when you’re in a hurry) in real life, you’re missing out. I should know – I’ve never seen one, so I know whereof I speak. I have seen videos and drawings and photographs in magazines, and once a cloud that strongly resembled part of a hippo, but never the real thing.

If you’ve never seen a hippopotamus at all, picture a rhinoceros but without any horns and generally chubbier. That’s a hippo.

Looking at a hippo is like looking back in time, to an era when we didn’t have color photographs, because hippos only come in black and white. Unless the hippo is bleeding for some reason, in which case the illusion is ruined.

Hippos live in Africa as well as many zoos around the world. Whenever I go to the zoo to see a hippo, something always gets in the way. I think the zookeeper, Mitch, might be purposely preventing me from seeing a hippo because of the time I donated a raccoon to the zoo while no one was looking. But someone was looking. Mitch.

Mitch knows how badly I want to see a real hippo but he always has some excuse, like the hippo exhibit is closed or they’re out of hippos or he would love to let me see the hippo if only there wasn’t an elephant standing in the way so maybe next time.

One time he took me to see a hippo and when we got there it was just a giraffe and he said that he thought that’s what I’d asked to see. I don’t like Mitch very much. If I ever get a hippo of my own I would let him see it as much as he wants because that’s how I am. It would be fun if we could let our hippos play together. Who knows, if they liked each other, maybe they could make more hippos.

Speaking of hippos having sex, did you know they only do it in the water? That’s why you should never drink from ponds near hippos.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Judaism.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing a grain of sand.

For the next six months, each week I will be reviewing a different grain of sand. There are so many grains of sand that have to be reviewed eventually and I figure this is a good way to knock a bunch off the list.

First up is a grain I found that seems to be a pretty good one. I can’t be sure it’s the best until I’ve compared it to all the others, but my gut is telling me it’s one of the better ones.

To the naked eye, this grain of sand looks indistinguishable from any other, which makes it particularly hard to find when it’s accidentally dropped on the beach. (And in case you’re wondering: No, lifeguards do not feel it is their duty to help beachgoers find lost grains of sand even though all the lifeguards are doing is sitting in the sun and staring at the ocean. I felt like Horton, that elephant who heard that Who.)

What sets this grain of sand apart is that if you hold it about half an inch from your eye and squint, it looks like it could be a beige meteor headed right for you. It’s not, so don’t get scared, but it is a thrilling experience. Much more thrilling than one would expect from a grain of sand.

Depending on your feelings about sandcastles, this grain of sand is either great or horrible. On the one hand, if you add water it does not become a grain of mud. I thought it would, but it pretty much just floats there on top of the water. For sandcastle traditionalists, this will be a disappointment.

However, who’s to say a sandcastle has to be made of multiple grains of sand. Why can’t it simply be one grain of sand? In that case, this grain is perfect because it comes as a pre-made sandcastle. No assembly required.

Grains of sand are like the snowflakes of the ground but they don’t melt. They can turn to glass though, when lightning strikes them. If this grain of sand were to be struck by lightning, it would be the world’s tiniest window. Or the world’s tiniest glass castle.

When I was done, I took the grain of sand back to the beach so that others might enjoy it.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the next grain of sand.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Mother’s Day 2013.

Since my mother passed away decades ago, Mother’s Day is just a reminder of what I’ve lost. I typically try to spend the entire 24 hours that comprise Mother’s Day asleep, so that it can pass me by. It’s actually quite difficult to sleep for 24 hours straight without having sustained some type of injury – and while I am accident prone, there’s no way to rely on an accident of appropriate severity occurring at just the right time. Sleeping pills are another solution, but it can be difficult to find the right balance between too few and too many.

That’s why this year I decided to try something new. For a reasonable fee I hired Truc, my neighbor’s dula, a Vietnamese woman willing to play the role of my mother for the day. I gave her a tablecloth I’d sewed into an old woman’s dress, and a powdered wig to make her appear older than me.

First, we went to my father’s grave, just like my mother and I used to do. Because he’s buried right next to my real mother, I had to block her grave out of my peripheral vision with my hand to keep from ruining the illusion that she was still alive.

Next we had lunch together, right along with all the other children and mothers in the restaurant. It was just like I was one of them! That is until we awkwardly ran into Truc’s real-life mother. At first I thought maybe it was a woman Truc had hired to play her mother, or my grandmother, or something. I didn’t know how to introduce myself, so I said, “I’m Ted and your daughter is my mother. Happy Mother’s Day!”

Things became very awkward and I began feeling very uncomfortable, so I took some sleeping pills and waited in the car.

Trying to put lunch behind me, I took my mother to pedal a swan boat through Boston Common, just like we always did since I was a child. Everything was going well until Truc accidentally fell overboard and drowned. I couldn’t believe that I had to see my mother die the same way twice. A pigeon flew off with the powdered wig as I watched and cried.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Kool-Aid Man.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing yawning.

Yawning is when your mouth forces itself open regardless of where you are and what you’re doing with it. A yawn can leave your mouth and throat vulnerable to any number of airborne threats, from moths to paper airplanes, or even a popped balloon falling to earth. The only time it may be in your favor to yawn is during a food fight, when your mouth could become the recipient of a Twinkie or other tasty treat.

For whatever reasons, bugs seem particularly attracted to my mouth, whether I’m yawning or not. I once woke up with ants all over my face. (It was because I’d fallen asleep with a mouth full of chocolate.) Because of this, I’m very reluctant to yawn.

I’ve been waiting years for someone to invent a yawn guard. My attempt failed and I almost choked to death. A yawn guard would basically be a thin mesh that attaches to the upper and lower teeth. When the wearer yawns, the net springs open, prohibiting entry to the mouth. This could also double as a kissing guard, for people who prefer not to French kiss. This would keep tongues both in and out of the mouth. It may impede speech, but true love doesn’t need words (or tongues).

Until this is invented, I’ve just been drinking as many energy drinks as I can, to try to prevent myself from getting tired enough to yawn. A lot of people have suggested that I simply cover my mouth with my hand when I yawn. I do this whenever possible, but there are any number of scenarios when this is impractical, such as while 1) boxing; 2) trapezing; 3) saving someone falling off a cliff; 4) tying both of your shoes at once; 5) being handcuffed by police. These are the times when a yawn-guard would be most needed.

Some people mistake yawning for being a sign of disinterest. Others – mostly perverts – mistake it as an invitation for fellatio.

Yawning doesn’t have to be all bad though. It can provide curious dentists with an opportunity to quickly assess a person’ dental health. If timed right, it can make eating popcorn a breeze. A photo of someone in mid-yawn can be doctored to make that person look like they’ve been decapitated and screaming, which is a great Halloween decoration.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the Galápagos Islands.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing alphabet soup.

My earlier audio review of the alphabet reminded me that alphabet soup exists, and I have yet to review it. If you’ve never heard of alphabet soup before, it’s a soup where instead of the flavor being the theme, it is the inclusion of letters.

Book soup would have been more interesting because I often get very bored eating soup, and there are only so many words you can make with a handful of letters. With a book there would be hours of entertainment. It’s likely no one has ever invented book soup because of copyright restrictions and licensing fees.

One of the secrets about alphabet soup is that the letter M is never included. If you don’t believe me, go buy a can, open it up and try to find the letter M. You’ll find every letter but. What they did, to save money, was just throw in some extra Ws. I don’t think it’s fair to charge for the full 26-letter alphabet when you’re only getting 25.

You’re probably wondering what the alphabet tastes like. Me too. I always get so distracted by what I can spell out with each spoonful that it never makes its way to my mouth. One time the letters spelled out “danger,” which I took as an omen about the safety of the soup and I instinctively pushed it off the table. I tried to decipher the mess on the floor to see if it offered any further insights but there were none.

This is the mystery of alphabet soup. What does it mean? I consulted with a professional lettererologist I met at the junkyard. He told me that he could decipher the meaning of any warm bowl of alphabet soup. After giving him several bowls he explained that each letter represents a different level of yumminess. I don’t understand what that means.

The more I think about it, the weirder it seems to ingest the alphabet. But, I’ve ingested weirder things.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing purple.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Slimer.

One of the characters in the movie Ghostbusters is a ghost named Slimer. He is green, legless, and mostly a mouth. Slimer loves to eat and he also loves to slime, which is what happens when he touches anyone or anything. He leaves a layer of slime behind him, much like a slug. They could not call him Slugger because that has too strong of an association with baseball.

His actual name is not Slimer. No one knows his real name or who he was before he died. Nor does anyone know how he died. His missing legs may be a clue. Perhaps they were blown off in combat and he bled to death. Or maybe he just never had legs. Whatever the circumstances of his passing, something kept him here on Earth. Possibly his search for his missing legs.

It makes no sense that he would eat. As a ghost, his physical manifestation has no way to metabolize the food he consumes. My guess is that it’s an emotional based eating, possibly a cry for help.

Despite the darkness of his current state, he manages to keep a smile on his face most of the time. It may be denial, or it may be that he’s happier as a ghost than he ever was during life. To be honest, if I could walk through walls and eat whatever I wanted, I’d be pretty happy.

He can’t talk, and not just because his mouth is full most of the time. He can make little noises. Eeeks and urks, but no real words. Unless these noises are ghost words. This inability to talk must be very frustrating for him, much the way that babies are frustrated. He can see and understand the world around him, but he’s unable to do anything other than slime and frighten people.

I say he, but Slimer may actually be a girl. I slowed the movie down and tried to watch every frame, looking to see if maybe I could make out some genitalia. I feel like I saw a vagina, but it was too blurry to tell. It may have just been a fold of skin. He has a lot of those.

When you see one of the Ghostbusters bust Slimer with a laser gun, it’s hard not to feel bad for it. It being Slimer, not the gun. I have no emotions about the gun.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing pinecones.

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