John Wraith’s penis is a neat literary device. It provides character depth and motivation, and is central to every plot twist in the book. …more

My girlfriend is reading Henry Miller, we’re applying for food stamps and I’m having nightmares about children having died in my house.

I spent the last weekend partying in Al Capone’s old hideout. And woke up to find myself waiting in line at Social Security.

…more

Writer and artist Alasdair Gray is his own best nightmare. It took the modern Scottish bard twenty-five years to finish Lanark: A Life in Four Books (1981), his fat, strangely inspirational novel of urbanism gone awry. …more

Joann Wypijewski on sex and the medical industry and the profit motives behind medicalizing sexual behavior. (via the fine folks at HTMLGIANT)

I do not know this boy. He’s a friend of a Facebook friend—some girl I hated in high school, and friended so I could see how wrong her life had gone. …more

There’s Something Wrong with Sven combines imaginative leaps worthy of Calvino and Vonnegut with tragicomic irreverence of the George Saunders variety. …more

“Maybe my work isn’t a cry for help. It may just be a baby’s need to cry or a dog’s need to bark.” …more

I watch movies so people will show me the things that make me flinch, question myself, curse the heavens, and want to enroll in primal scream therapy. I don’t think I read for the same reasons.

But movies, I feel, can be particularly cathartic because they pivot on sight, our most dominant sense. If you show me something on the screen, I’ll respond quicker and more viscerally than if you just tell me about it or write it down.

If there’s a car accident I’m going to look. If there’s a fight, I’m going to stop and watch. And yes, if dire enough, I will intervene. The thing about movies though is that you can’t intervene. …more

Rumpus contributor Jonathan Ames recently got interviewed by a little magazine called Time.

Clearly this upstart Time rag is hopping on the Rumpus’ pro-Ames bandwagon, but we won’t begrudge them. How can you NOT want to learn more about a writer who’s been compared to everyone from Norman Mailer to David Sedaris? …more

Sex educator and writer Lux Alptraum, who is also the editor of Boinkology, has an article in Black Book that investigates the absence of condoms in porn.  Is it because of production challenges, or because the companies don’t want to protect the health of their performers?  No.  It turns out, the absence of condoms might be because of you.

Since so many of us live in this paradoxical nation that is both obviously obsessed with women’s bodies,  yet has a morbid fear of wardrobe malfunctions, there is no shortage of fascinating discussions online about the interconnections of women and sex and the media. Increasingly it is becoming harder and harder to distinguish between sexual liberation and sexual objectification. And really one person’s objectification is another person’s liberation.

It is interesting though to compare and contrast how women’s bodies are used strategically by Big Business as well as Big Activists. …more

In the current issue of The Atlantic, the newly-divorced Sandra Tsing Loh wonders out loud “isn’t the idea of lifelong marriage obsolete?” but then holds off a little from answering that question directly in order to do a characteristically amusing roundup review of five recent and not-so-recent books about marriage and divorce: Marriage-Go-Round, The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, Open Marriage, Why Him? Why Her?, and Generation Ex.
…more

It is spring, and the book blogs are horny! Will they be the type to lock themselves in a room with a suitcase full of porn? Or will they find someone who looks lonely and hit on them, not leaving the poor person alone until they agree to make out? 

Below the fold, find out what happens when the book blogs get sexy, plus The Rumpus in The New Yorker‘s Book Bench, how book blogs come in waves (No, not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter), and Dave Eggers’ answer to the hopeless. 

…more

Andy Cobb‘s new project “Drill Baby Drill” explores conservatives’ published writings about sex. First up, an excerpt written by Glenn Beck. About making out. With his sister. Seriously.

Coming soon is episode two: “Bill O’Reilly Is a Stone Cold Freak.”

Dear Sugar,

I apologize in advance because I’m going to give you a lot of history and concerns before I get to my questions. A very Catholic girlfriend of mine was dating a very Catholic guy. Both of them were virgins and wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. Whenever things got too passionate, he would tell her that she was “evil” for “tempting him.” Consequently, this made her feel guilty and sinful.

After he broke up with her she found comfort in the arms of a transgendering female to male partner. My friend believes she is in a heterosexual relationship because the person she is with is a man on the inside. She has sexual relations now and she believes that the love they share is beautiful, not sinful. She argues that she is not a lesbian because she is not attracted to women and she does not touch her partner like a woman. Whether or not her partner is a man on the inside, he still has a vagina and breasts (though he does have a deeper voice and facial hair due to testosterone therapy). Physically, isn’t the sex they have the same as the sex two lesbians have?

Now that her first sexual experience is not with someone born in a man’s physical body I’m concerned that unconsciously she will always view sex between a penis and vagina as sinful and wrong (because of her first relationship) and has begun to program her body/mind to respond to sexual desires towards someone of the same physical gender as herself. This might be trivial but she claims she is no longer a virgin. I didn’t ask her for the details, but I’m guessing she didn’t lose her virginity by rubbing vaginas together. I could be wrong, but I would assume she lost her virginity to a vibrator. I guess I’m worried that if she ever does have sex with a penis it will feel like a broken vibrator or something. I know your advice will probably be something like “be happy for your friend if she’s happy” but I’m genuinely concerned with how this untraditional sexual experience will affect her sex life in the future. I just wish she had penis sex first so that she could have some kind of reference, you know?

I guess my main question is, is my friend a lesbian if she is attracted to and enjoys sex with someone of the same gender (taking into account that they both believe he is a man on the inside)? I know part of your charm is to be brutally honest, but could you show a little sweetness in your response Sugar?

Thanks,
Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned,

Omigod, you are SO crazy. And your friend is crazy, too. It’s like your crazy met her crazy and had a little crazy baby.

I fucking love it!

I want to invite you guys over to my place to party. And bring the hairy lesbian/transgender dude, too. Why not? It seems like you guys have lots to talk about, what with the Mystery of the Lost Virginity and the Penis Sex First Anxieties. And all this Hot Catholic Energy, too. Man, Catholics are such sexy freaks.

But mostly I want to assure you that your friend (while crazy) is doing fine. She’s finding her way. It’s an unusual way, but I’m pretty sure your anxieties say more about you than her. Don’t mean this in a mean way – I’m trying to be sweet – but the question get answered her is why her sexual life matters to you.

Remember: I can help with this! But it’s going to require that you guys head over here and drink too excess with me. Until further notice, I’m baking cookies in the nude.

Ask Sugar a question. Sugar@therumpus.net

Dear Sugar,

Should I quit my job? Seriously, I’m going to do whatever you advise… no pressure though. A little background? Usual story: boss is a jerk, pay sucks, feeling the drain of the same schedule every day, wishing the coffee machine wasn’t broken, etc.

What do you think?
Leaving It Up to (Sugary) Fate
Dear Leaving,

You sound like a young boy with strong forearms. Am I close? If so, then I have some terrific news: I need an intern. I realize I’m taking a chance, given that your note suggests a less than ideal employee. But what the hell. Your only responsibilities will be fetching me cookies and licking my calves.

Now that I’m your new boss, I have a few quick questions.

First, how do you feel about nut play? (I’m crazy for it.)
Second, how do you plan to earn money?
Third, why didn’t you think about that before?
Fourth, why are we arguing already?

God, I hate it when this happens. One minute I’m gurgling your intimates and the next the EEOC is involved. Just remember what you were when Sugar found you.

Ask Sugar a question. Sugar@therumpus.net

Women are nasty. They piss, and fart, and masturbate. They clean toilet seats with their vaginas and pull out tampons with barbeque tongs. …more

Denis Johnson strips bare and shucks the pump in his fast-moving literary noir, Nobody Move. …more

by Rose Garrett

I recently read that revenge, in addition to sex and food, stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain, which explains why the settling of scores is often pursued with as much unbounded enthusiasm as philandering and doughnut holes. To that short list I would add book-reading, which might appear more high-minded than the rest, but which has revealed itself to me to be as base, vulgar, and fucking incredible as any of the seven sins. …more

In case you missed it, the other day Oprah did a show about moms “breaking the silence” about motherhood.  Moms talked about their secret lives and feelings.  They talked about embarrassing incidents mainly involving their children’s bodily fluids.  I don’t know.  This whole secret-lives-of-mothers thing seems a bit passe.  All you have to do is read a few mommy blogs or listen in on some conversations to know that moms don’t have many secrets, and that no topic is all that taboo. I don’t think it’s the best kept secret that moms are often exhausted, irritated, lonely and bored. Sometimes we feel judged and inadequate. Sometimes we hide in the shower with a beer bong and a twelve pack of Schlitz. What? Like Oprah’s show is a “judgement-free zone.”

On the show Heather Armstrong (writer of the mother of all mother blogs, Dooce) admits she can do away with plastic toys and isn’t good at arts and crafts. Oh snap! SHHHHHH!!! I waited to hear “the parts of motherhood no one knows about.” Just what parts are those? We’ve been literally poked and prodded and sucked dry. Most of our husbands have seen a head come out of our vaginas. Some of them were lucky enough to see us poo on a table while the head came out of the vagina–there’s really not all that much we have left to expose. If anything we’re way too out there. Nothing has been left unseen or unsaid. Our stories are scattered all over the place, giving sitcoms ample opportunity to mess things up. Case in point: the new show, “In the Motherhood.”  It’s truly lame. Lame plots and language, and no mothers dress like that just to hang out with each other. The dialogue is awful. We’re way more unpolished immature, awkward, obnoxious, and mundane. We can hang out for hours and just talk about food and our children’s sleeping schedules. We’re also way more crude. Here are some snippets of conversations I’ve had (or overheard) with other moms recently that pretty much represent the gamut. 

1.
“I hate it when my boobs sweat. You know, the underneath part?”
“I hate that!”

2.
“Were you horny when you were pregnant? I masturbated constantly.”
“I felt like an ape if I did that.”
“I almost humped my bedpost once. It was looking real good!”

3.
“So I guess “Hayden” is starting Elimination Communication. Why can’t they just say, “Potty Training?” No one better teach my kid to use the word “Elimination.” My son will say, “Poop.” He will say, “Mommy, I crapped my pants.””

4.
“I haven’t had a pot brownie in so long.”
“We should totally make them.”
“That would be so funny!”
“Can you imagine?”
“Oh, did you want to dye eggs Saturday? I got this kit. It has stickers and shit.”
“Sure.”

5.
“Every afternoon I think I’m good then bam. They start whining and I crack open a beer. I have to.”
“I know! I’ve actually been trying to hold out until the weekend. Can’t do it.”
“So it’s okay to drink every night?”
“I think so. It makes me a better parent, personally.”

6.
“I got that Carmen Electra aerobics strip tease video and I’m going to learn something for his birthday. I’ve been practicing.”
“Oh my god are you serious? You’re such a good wife!”

“The other night I took off my underwear and was like, “Ok. go. Before American Idol starts.” It was like the best thing that ever happened to him.  I didn’t even shower.”
“I don’t know what song to strip to. I was thinking that Fergie one, but he has this serious thing for Fergie and I don’t want him to be thinking of her.”
“Why not! Then it will be over quicker.”
“That’s true. Kids! Five more minutes!”
“You’ve said that, like, twenty times.”

7.
“I got the crab call in college.”
“The what?”
“The crab call. You know—‘I have crabs and I’m calling you and the other people I’ve slept with to tell you about it so you can shave your pussy hair off and take crab-be-gone pills.”
“I can’t believe he called to tell you. I wouldn’t call. Would you?”
“I don’t think so. It’s pretty responsible. He was all business about it. Offered to make me an appointment.”
“Whoa. That’s the kind of guy who will take care of a baby. He’ll do night feedings.”
“I know.”
“So did you have crabs? Are they actual crabs? Like with pinchers?” 
“I don’t know. I didn’t have them. That’s why I wouldn’t call. I mean he endured unnecessary embarrassment. He will forever by the guy with crabs.”
“Forever Crabby.”
“I was such a slut back then.”
“I’ve only slept with three people other than ____.”
“Really? You seem slutty. Like you’d be recognized by the back of your head.”
“Fuck you.”

There.  Now you’re in the motherhood, bitches. Now give me a sitcom.

A review of So Many Ways to Sleep Badly, by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore …more

When it comes to trying to understand people, Richard Posner is an American Sigmund Freud. …more

An Interview with Michelle Richmond …more

An Introduction to Bad Mommy

I’m not a bad mother. That title is just a cheap teaser and something to differentiate myself from the mamma masses. It’s interesting. I’m not going to call myself Normal Mommy or Bored Mommy or Cop Out Mom, though all three would be accurate at times. Bad Mommy implies that I’m not only a bad-ass mommy, but that I’m proud of it in some way. I’m sorry to say I’ve lost my badassedness years ago. Like clothes, boyfriends, handbags, you must modernize and move on or else you’ll end up looking totally outdated. For example, it would be “outdated” if I still went to bars and slept with strangers with itchy facial hair. It would be outdated if I still went sledding after eating a Taco Bell Gordita with shrooms in it. So, I’ve improved. Now I’m like Kaui 4.0 or something, and my current interests are strolling in grocery stores, watching the Hills (of all the people in the world Spencer is the douch douchiest), drinking wine, doing pilates and making fusion gum (this is where I put a piece of fruit-flavored gum in my mouth then about a minute later, a mint-flavored gum. That’s right, I’m a bad mutha.’ I’m crazy!)

I concede, I’m a little bad, but really, I’m just a mom, who, at twenty-six got, knocked up in a cabin in Squaw Valley, snowed in with my then boyfriend (now husband) and a bunch a Syrians whose mouths were never not attached to a joint, hukah, bong, or in one guy’s case, a bee-atch named Maria who basically dicknapped him for the entire vacation. On New Year’s Eve Andy and I said good night to the Syrians and goodnight to Danny, who was in an Oxycontin puddle, then headed up to bed. Thirty seconds later, Whoosh, Bam, Uggh, and a little freak was growing inside me (no, I don’t still think of my daughter as a little freak, but back then she looked like an eyeball then a crayfish and her intestines grew on the outside of her body. Tell me that’s not ghastly.)

It’s appropriate we conceived in this way considering we met at a dive bar in Breckenridge after the girl he was with did some kind of lame dance move and kicked me in the face. He asked if I was all right. We found that we both liked the Gravediggaz’ so I slept with him even though my face hurt. That was ten years ago.

Anyhoo. The editors have knighted me, Bad Mommy. Hello, what’s up. Possible topics and concerns I may cover. Feel free to yey or neh:

1. Kids as accessories (fashion or crime)

2. Tar and feathering your daughter’s Disney Princesses. Un- cool?

3. The ethics of sharing other mothers’ emails from my yahoo group such as this one: “What should I do about my daughter’s bath and potty anxiety!? A few nights ago she pooped in the bathtub and now she won’t take baths. I try 
getting in the tub with her and she seems excited about it until she hits the water then screams, “Out! Out!”
 Her fear seems to be getting worse. When she passes gas she gets really upset, jumps up and turns around to see if anything is on the 
floor. Last night she woke up screaming in the middle of the night and when I went in to her, she kept saying “dirty diaper” even though 
she didn’t have one. 
Has anyone else experienced this increasing anxiety about pooping?”

4. Marital sex exemptions, e.g. two kids = no blowjobs.

5. Pogo sticks

6. Maintaining dignity at grocery stores when your child is slapping her butt and singing, “If you like it put a ring on it.”

7. Are the girls at your child’s preschool little sluts?

8. Are you a better mommy on weed?

And other Hot Topics.  Keep in touch.

- Kaui

**

See Also: The Rumpus.net

See Also: Swinging Modern Sounds, A Music Blog by Rick Moody