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	<title>The Rumpus.net &#187; youth</title>
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		<title>On Loitering</title>
		<link>http://therumpus.net/2013/05/on-loitering/</link>
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		<pubDate>Thu, 16 May 2013 07:13:58 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Steven Church</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rumpus original]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[law]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[loitering]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[MLK]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[police]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[race]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Racism]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[youth]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[<p>In Charles Moore’s iconic black-and-white photograph, Coretta looks on stoically, lips parted, hands clasped in front as her husband, Martin Luther King, has his right arm bent behind his back by a police officer in a tall hat.<span id="more-114399"></span><!--more--> Someone unseen, outside the frame, places a hand on Coretta’s left arm, as if to comfort or contain her.</p>]]></description>
				<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In Charles Moore’s iconic black-and-white photograph, Coretta looks on stoically, lips parted, hands clasped in front as her husband, Martin Luther King, has his right arm bent behind his back by a police officer in a tall hat.<span id="more-114399"></span><!--more--> Someone unseen, outside the frame, places a hand on Coretta’s left arm, as if to comfort or contain her. Martin pitches forward over a counter, leaning to his right, his left hand splayed out for support on the polished surface. He wears a light colored suit and tie, a panama hat with a black band. The force of the officer’s grip has nearly yanked the jacket off his right shoulder. The officer’s left hand pushes against Martin’s left side, bunching up his jacket, shoving him forward, bending him over the counter. Another officer stands behind Martin’s right shoulder, but you can only see the top of his hat and his right arm resting casually on the counter. A hatless white officer stands behind the counter and our perspective peers over his right shoulder into Martin’s face. He doesn’t look pained. Resigned perhaps, sadly familiar with this sort of treatment. The man behind the counter seems to be reaching out with his left hand to take something or give something (a piece of paper perhaps) from Martin as his right arm blurs at the bottom edge of the frame. Martin, his eyes pulled all the way to the right, is either looking at the man behind the counter or at someone else we can’t see. The date is September 3, 1958 in the Montgomery, Alabama county courthouse. Martin Luther King Jr. is there to support his longtime friend, Ralph Abernathy, a Baptist minister testifying in the trial of a deranged man charged with chasing Abernathy down the street with a hatchet. In the photo, King has just been arrested for loitering. He will spend fourteen days in jail as punishment for his crime. The strange thing is that in Moore’s photograph it is not Martin or Coretta who look afraid. It’s the policemen who appear flustered and scared. The photo is superficially silent. But you can still see how blurry with fear they are of his power and presence, quivering before his radical subjectivity in that space.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-MLK.jpg"><img class=" wp-image-114403 aligncenter" alt="Loitering-MLK" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-MLK.jpg" width="418" height="284" /></a></p><p style="text-align: center;">***</p><p>Loitering is not particularly difficult or physically demanding. It doesn’t, at first blush, appear revolutionary or even criminal. Consider that “loiter” is an intransitive verb. There is no object to it. It is all subject and subjectivity. To loiter requires simply that you stand around or sit aimlessly, without purpose, to choose a space because it happens to be in the shade, or just happens to be there. Anywhere. The key to pure loitering—the most honest embodiment of the word’s spirit—is of course to do nothing. Absolutely nothing.</p><p>But it has become bigger than that. Revolutionary. To do nothing now in the name of loitering is also to repurpose in the name of purposeless an otherwise purposed space. And we are surrounded by purposed spaces. To loiter then is a kind of zen-like appropriation, a subjective possession of objective, though often marginal space; and perhaps this is enough to make it revolutionary, enough to threaten those who are invested in the purposing or owning of such space. It worries us when someone does nothing, even when they seem to be doing nothing on a street corner, a roadway median, an alley or some other marginal space. We’re so busy, so purposeful; and in our world of increasing technological connection, we’re always engaged in some activity. It’s hard for us to understand the nothingness of loitering.</p><p>Part of the trouble is that it is nearly impossible to define “doing nothing” from “doing something,” so people who truly loiter assume a kind of vague, dangerous amorphous potentiality. The ambiguity of their physical and moral position frightens us. After all, when is any one of us actually doing nothing in any space? Have you ever truly done <i>nothing</i>?</p><p>Even when I putter around my yard or sit on my front porch, thinking about whatever I’m currently writing or reading, aren’t I still doing something, even if that something is only thinking? I’m still using the space with an intent that seems to fit the space. I wonder how long I could loiter on my street corner, just stand around thinking and watching people and traffic without drawing unwanted attention to myself. I wonder if that time would be different if I lived in a wealthier, gated community on the North side of town, one of those places where they don’t really have street corners. What if I just stood around in the middle of a cul-de-sac? Or if I lived in a more poverty-stricken, gang-controlled neighborhood in a different part of town would my loitering embody a different potentiality? Of course it would. The objective nothingness in my loitering allows my subjectivity to be shaped to the expectations of the context.</p><p>Loitering then as an idea is as undefined, abstract, and subjective as happiness or suffering. It can be adapted and appropriated, shaped to fit the situation; and then laws or ordinances or signs that attempt to regulate loitering are the ontological equivalent of ordinances regulating or controlling happiness or suffering. They are perhaps the most common legislative manifestations of the conflict between subjective intent and attempts at objective measurement of said intent.</p><p>Sometimes I think about this when I visit the Food King market in my neighborhood, a subjectively happy place, a true neighborhood convenience store. It feels like home to me. I don’t even care that it costs me nearly twenty dollars for two six-packs of beer. The brothers, Mo and Najib, who own the Food King, emigrated to the U.S. from Yemen and are exceedingly nice to me, always calling me by name. They know <i>most</i> of their customers by name; sometimes Najib’s bespectacled son sits behind the counter working on his homework. Mo and Najib often talk about the weather and they’re usually listening to NPR on the radio. But they also have prominent “No Loitering” signs posted on the front of the store and a bank of video monitors that allow them to keep and eye on every part of their property. You have about as much time to linger in front of the Food King as you do in front of an airport. Pause too long and you will be hustled along.</p><p>Mo and Najib have to deal with challenges I can barely imagine. Fresno is a dangerous place filled with desperate people. Nobody really denies this reality. We just live with it. But Mo and Najib run a tight ship, more than most places. They keep their store clean and free of the crowds that loiter around elsewhere. They never hesitate to chase off the street-kids and panhandlers, the tweakers or the prostitutes; and I have to admit that I appreciate this, that it makes me feel somewhat safer as a consumer.</p><p>When I asked Mo one day about his “No loitering” signs and how he enforces the rule, he told me that he just tells any loiterers to move along, and if they don’t move, he might threaten to call the police.</p><p>“But would they come?” I asked.</p><p>“Yeah, sure. Maybe. But if you just mention the police, they mostly move along.”</p><p>“And if they don’t?”</p><p>“If they don’t, I take my stick out there and I tell them I’m gonna count to three and then I’m gonna hit you with this stick.”</p><p>Mo didn’t show me his stick but I guessed it was some kind of baton. I didn’t doubt his conviction. Mo meant business. To him the issue was all black-and-white, no gray area, no room for interpretation. This was his property, his Food King, and he was in charge of defining loitering in this subjective space. He also told me he had a gun under the counter if it came to that.</p><div id="attachment_114405" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 442px"><a href="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Food-King.jpg"><img class="size-full wp-image-114405 " alt="Loitering-Food King" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Food-King.jpg" width="432" height="323" /></a><p class="wp-caption-text">The Food King. Fresno, CA 2013</p></div><p style="text-align: center;">***</p><p>Perhaps the most extreme example of the threatening potentiality of loitering is in the context of an elementary school, an exaggeratedly purposed and morally charged public space. If you stand around outside the playground fence of a school, just stand there long enough, most likely your loitering will be seen as a threat and you will most likely be confronted by authority figures. In Fresno all the schools are surrounded by six-foot chain-link safety fencing. If you’re loitering around a school, regardless of your intent (maybe you’re studying the architecture of schools for a class) you might be arrested or at least just hassled and hustled along. There are signs posted everywhere forbidding all manner of activities, including dog walking, golfing, model-airplane flying, and loitering; and as a parent of elementary school children, I’m glad to see those signs when we take our dog there for walks. I don’t really care if you’re flying model-airplanes at my daughter’s school, but I do care if you’re loitering there. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re innocently researching something for a novel or an essay, maybe snapping photos with your IPhone, I just want you to move along and take your subjectivity elsewhere. An elementary school is a place where the objective truth of the context overwhelms the subjective truth of anyone who moves through the space. Your rights are necessarily limited there, and it doesn’t end at the fence. The rights-defining power of an Elementary School space extends well beyond the fences, past the sidewalks, into the streets, where the rules of driving are more stringent and more morally charged, and even further beyond into surrounding neighborhoods, where legal penalties for things like narcotics trafficking are increased. In such spaces the objective meaning of the place overwrites your subjective intent.</p><div id="attachment_114404" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 442px"><a href="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Hamilton.jpg"><img class=" wp-image-114404" alt="Loitering-Hamilton" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Hamilton.jpg" width="432" height="558" /></a><p class="wp-caption-text">Hamilton Elementary School, Fresno, CA 2013</p></div><p style="text-align: center;">***</p><p>It is also the vague undefined nature of loitering combined with the impossibility of truly knowing or measuring subjective intent that has allowed anti-loitering laws and ordinances to be used as a weapon against civil disobedience. Martin Luther King was arrested because anti-loitering laws on the books in Montgomery allowed the police, regardless of the facts of that day, to define King’s presence, to shape his intent into something criminal, something they could use to control him. He was just attending a public trial. But anti-loitering laws allowed the police to arrest him for being black in a white space.</p><p>Attempts to criminalize loitering have been used more recently to try and control gang activity, drug sales, panhandling and prostitution, as well as to control populations of homeless people and protesters in the nationwide “Occupy” movement. These efforts, though often temporarily successful, are often doomed to failure, perhaps because of the very nature of loitering itself. Courts have recognized that anti-loitering laws often encourage racial profiling and police abuse of marginalized groups. Legislating loitering is like legislating nothingness.</p><p>In February 2012, New York City settled a class action lawsuit brought on behalf of thousands of citizens arrested over the years on anti-loitering charges that had been deemed unconstitutional. The city’s efforts to control loitering over a span of thirty years will ultimately cost them fifteen million dollars and require them to expunge thousands of arrests and convictions. There is little evidence to suggest, however, that this will change the way anti-loitering laws and ordinances are used to control marginalized populations in this country. We are simply too purposed and possessive of our objective spaces, too frightened by the potential of loiterers.</p><p>In other communities, perhaps due to the challenges of defining and enforcing anti-loitering ordinances, business owners are turning to less obviously confrontational, more passive, subjective, and subliminal deterrence methods. They’re turning to sound warfare as a way to avoid the whole messy enterprise of objectively measuring and legislating against subjective intent. Perhaps they’re doing this because it protects them from images of abuse and violence and the cultural resonance created by such pictures.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Pepper-Spray.jpg"><img class=" wp-image-114401 aligncenter" alt="Loitering-Pepper Spray" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Pepper-Spray.jpg" width="432" height="289" /></a></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>***</b></p><p><i>The Mosquito was invented in Wales several years ago.</i></p><p><i>Moving Sound Technologies has been marketing and selling the Mosquito throughout North America.  Many cities, municipalities, school districts, and parks boards use the Mosquito to combat vandalism</i><i> </i></p><p><i>The patented Mosquito is a small speaker that produces a high frequency sound much like the buzzing of the insect it’s named after.  This high frequency can be heard by young people 13 to 25 years old.</i></p><p><i>The latest version of the Mosquito is called the MK4 Multi-Age. It has two different settings one for teenagers 13 – 25 years and one setting for all ages.</i><i> </i></p><p><i>When it is set to 17KHz the Mosquito can only be heard by teenagers approximately 13 to 25 years of age.</i><i> </i></p><p><i>When set to 8 KHz the Mosquito can be heard by all ages.</i></p><p><i>In case you thought Mosquito is all about annoying sound that would force the loiterers to run for cover you would be in for a pleasant surprise!</i></p><p><i>The Music Mosquito is a complete music system that will relay Royalty free Classical or Chill-out music that would keep the teenagers away to some extent.</i></p><p><i>Mosquito has a strong steel body .  .  .</i><i> </i></p><p><i>Mosquito anti loitering device is a handy option to suppress vandalism and the issues of graffiti aggressively.</i></p><p><strong><i>The Mosquito Device can help with Teen Loitering Problems</i></strong><i>.</i></p><p><i>Mosquito has a strong steel body .  .  .</i><i> </i></p><p><strong><i>The Mosquito Device can help with Gang Loitering Problems</i></strong><i> </i></p><p><i>Mosquito has a strong steel body .  .  .</i></p><p><strong><i>The Mosquito Device can help with Vandalism Problems</i></strong></p><p><i>Mosquito has a strong steel body .  .  .</i></p><p><strong><i>The Mosquito Device can help with Grafitti</i></strong><a href="#_ftn1">[1]</a> <em><strong>Problems</strong></em></p><p><i>Mosquito has a strong steel body .  .  .</i></p><div id="attachment_114402" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 442px"><a href="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Mosquito.jpg"><img class="size-full wp-image-114402" alt="Loitering-Mosquito" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Mosquito.jpg" width="432" height="264" /></a><p class="wp-caption-text">The Mosquito</p></div><p style="text-align: center;">***</p><p>At night now in Fresno or in your city they might gather beneath the glow of street-lamps, lurking around its penumbral cone of light. Packs of teenagers. Black kids. Brown kids. White kids. Brawny boys in baggy clothes, hats and team jerseys; pale, inked kids wearing white wife-beaters; girls in skinny jeans, high-heels and higher hair; or a population of bearded men smiling through meth-snaggled teeth, shuffling burnouts and tweakers with face tattoos, gang bangers with bulldog paws or red lips painted permanently on their necks; or maybe it’s those ubiquitous kids at a suburban mall wearing Polo shirts and skinny jeans, high-top sneakers, and puffy Tommy Hilfiger jackets and they’re loitering around Jamba Juice or the movie theater, around your neighborhood school, or outside your business every night. These are the loiterers, the idle enemies of consumption and purpose. These are the targets of subjective warfare.</p><p>In my hometown, the high school kids from outlying rural communities used to drive to downtown Lawrence, park their trucks backwards in the diagonal spaces along Massachusetts St. and set up lawn chairs in the beds. They watched the rest of us stroll past as if we were specimens in museums. Often we looked the part. Often things were said. Often there were fights. Often there was litter and vandalism. Several merchants installed strobe lights in the windows of their stores, leaving them on all night long as a kind of light-deterrent, a passive form of loitering enforcement. It worked, too. After a while nobody wanted to park or linger in front of those shops. There were fewer fights there, less litter and vandalism. But the lights also just made the business owners seem kind of mean and intolerant.</p><p>It doesn’t matter, really, what loiterers look like for the purposes of the Mosquito or for a strobe light. Such passive forms of loitering deterrence don’t discriminate on the basis of color, class, caste, or clothing choice. They cannot violate rights in part because we have few clear legal protections against noise or light pollution, despite its obvious influence on subjective experiences of happiness or suffering. Noise might not violate your rights. It can’t bend you over a counter and handcuff you, but it can violate your space and subjectivity. It can make it hard to think, even hard to do nothing.</p><p>What matters to the Mosquito is not the motivations of the loiterer, but simply that the subjective loitering body courses with blood and has ears with which to listen. In this way it is much like a bomb. A very smart bomb. What makes the Mosquito insidious is how it targets the age of the loiterer, his youth and the way his brain processes sound. Imagine a bomb that only wipes out people of a certain age, a bomb that targets only the young. The mosquito doesn’t care about the kinetic potential for chaos, for unpredictable behavior inherent in their stasis. It doesn’t care about anything because the mosquito is a machine designed to create an automatic physiological response, because its intrusion into your subjective internal space is silent, indiscriminate, and subtly violent.</p><p>The danger of loiterers at rest is that bodies will remain at rest until acted upon by an outside force. The danger is the malicious pull of idle hands toward evil deeds. And the popular imagination associates loitering—a behavior defined specifically by its purposelessness—with all sorts of bad or illicit purposes; most notably property crimes like vandalism and graffiti, as well as with gang activity and prostitution. And because there is often little else for them to do, no other place for them to gather, teenagers—the ultimate in-betweeners—are regular offenders of anti-loitering efforts and ordinances. By their very nature, teenagers embody the conflict between objective rules and expectations and subjective intent. They live perpetually in the liminal space between outside rules and their internal wills. Teenagers are all subjectivity, all solipsistic fervor; they are in essence loitering between childhood and adulthood, embodying that marginalized space with intent that is often inscrutable to those of us living outside that space.</p><p>In my neighborhood, the loitering teens move between a series of spots, these odd sort of in-between places like the island of a parking lot behind Starbucks and Bobby Salazar’s Mexican restaurant, or someone’s yard, perhaps the community garden, up against the brick wall of the Brass Unicorn and the Starline or in the side-yard of an apartment building on Moroa Ave. You won’t find them outside the Food King, but nearby in side-streets and alleyways, lounging in various liminal spaces.</p><p>Much to the chagrin of many Fresno shoppers, we also find loitering teens on the wealthy, north side of town at the clay-colored strip mall called River Park, a palace to consumerism and multi-national corporations that, in effort to curb loitering, not long ago tried to ban unaccompanied teenagers from the premises. That didn’t work so well.</p><p>A parent or other objectively recognized adult had to be with any teenager on the premises. It wasn’t clear how the mall intended to enforce this, if they planned to randomly ID anyone who looked young enough to be a teenager. Perhaps they simply should have installed Mosquito anti-loitering devices in the same places they’ve installed Musak speakers and security cameras. We fear teenagers not because of their loitering itself—that gray penumbral area between right and wrong—but because the act of doing so suggests, by its mere existence, the possibility for harm, for mayhem and destruction. We fear their unbridled youth and all of its sublime potentiality. We fear their marginalization because it lives outside the boundaries of our control.</p><div id="attachment_114406" class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 442px"><a href="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Banksy.jpg"><img class=" wp-image-114406" alt="Loitering-Banksy" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Banksy.jpg" width="432" height="355" /></a><p class="wp-caption-text">Banksy, Lower Ninth Ward, New Orleans, LA</p></div><p style="text-align: center;"> ***</p><p>One day not long ago as I was driving home from lunch with a friend, I took a side street that parallels a major thoroughfare, a street known as a popular hangout for the Fresno street kids and the homeless. A homeowner who has been working on remodeling a large house that backs up to the street recently installed a painted wooden fence and stacked-stone planters surrounding mature pomegranate trees. He’s created a lovely little oasis of landscape architecture that would appeal to nearly anyone’s aesthetic; and as I drove past this oasis, I saw a loose pack of loitering teens lounging around the planters, smoking, pawing at each other, laughing, and doing nothing. All of them. Loitering. Just sitting there, doing nothing. And I felt this momentary urge to yell at them or drive them away somehow, but I wasn’t sure why. Perhaps it was jealousy. Perhaps it was fear.</p><p>Unless I’m writing or reading, I have trouble sitting still for ten minutes. I can’t imagine doing it for 2 or 10 hours. I wondered if the homeowner might want to think about getting the Mosquito anti-loitering device, if he might want to agitate their space and send out high-pitched squeals of deterrent noise. I thought this might be something that I would do if I owned the house; but even as I thought it, I cringed at the idea, the invasion and violation of space, as well as at the aesthetic and moral cruelty of creating an otherwise appealing place that would be simultaneously physiologically repulsive, a space whose 17 MHz of Mosquito noise would hurt the ears of young people.</p><p>These days when teenagers loiter across the street from our house, making-out or smoking weed from a can or a pipe or a blunt-wrap, I mostly ignore them. Some days I want to tell them to move along or to just smoke somewhere else. Some days I want to warn them that other people aren’t so understanding, that the police often patrol our street since it’s so close to the high school. But the most I ever do, if I’m out front with my kids, is give the teenagers a hard stare, maybe a wave to let them know I see them, to suggest they might move along.</p><p>I’ve thought about calling the police, but the Fresno police frighten me more than loitering teenagers. They shoot people. Pretty regularly. I don’t want these kids to get shot or even arrested. And besides I don’t really want to be <i>that</i> guy&#8211;the asshole neighbor who calls the cops on kids. The truth is they’re not hurting anyone except maybe themselves. They’re just hanging around because they can, because they have nowhere else to go. My friends and I did similar stuff in high school. We used to drive out into the Kansas countryside, down empty gravel roads, to find space where we could smoke or drink. These kids like to linger against the tall fence along my neighbor’s side yard and sit beneath the overhanging tree on the stacked railroad ties. It’s only a block from Fresno High School, away from the crush of other kids and just beyond the boundaries of school space. It seems safe enough, like a place where they can loiter in peace.</p><p>Who am I to deny them this space?</p><p>I watch them sometimes and I think about Mo and his stick, his gun under the counter. I think about the Mosquito and I wonder how I would react if the teenagers crossed the street, crossed the line and started loitering in my yard, if they even got close to my daughter and invaded my subjective space.</p><p>I’m not sure I would even count to three.</p><p>I like to think I’m a long way from those white officers in Moore’s photograph, those agitated and frightened white men who pressed King against the counter, twisting his arm behind his back, arresting him for eternity in the objective space of that everlasting image. But I realize I’m also guilty. I’ve let my own subjective fear shape the way I define loitering. I’ve let my imagination carry me away, let my own context—home and family, children and dog, yard and garden—condition the meaning of the teenagers’ nothingness and I’ve let it color their lingering at the periphery of my space. The street is the line, I tell myself. It’s a wide and fuzzy boundary between us. But it is a boundary.</p><p>One day a boy crossed the line. He approached the house. The kids were in the front yard. My girlfriend met him at the driveway. I’d gone inside for a minute and came out to see her walking back toward the garage. She moved with purpose. I followed her. The boy waited at the end of the driveway.</p><p>“What’s up?” I asked.</p><p>“He wants to borrow a soccer ball,” my girlfriend said as she smiled and walked past me, down the driveway and tossed him the ball. I felt my blood cool, retreating from full-boil. There was no danger, no threat. There was nothing for me to fear.</p><p>“It’s OK,” she said.</p><p>The boy and his three friends, another boy and two girls, set up “goals” in the middle of the street made of wadded-up fast-food bags and wrappers. They played soccer on the asphalt for a while, darting out of the way when cars came. They were out there long enough for my kids and I to drift back inside. The boys flirted shamelessly with the girls and showed off with the ball. All of them laughed a lot. They seemed so happy. I watched them through the windows near the front door, listening to the sounds of their youth. They moved with ease and grace between the curbs, lingering in the in-between spaces with such sweet purpose.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Street-Soccer.jpg"><img class="size-full wp-image-114400 aligncenter" alt="Loitering-Street Soccer" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Loitering-Street-Soccer.jpg" width="320" height="240" /></a></p><p>***</p><p><a name="_ftn1"></a>[1] Sic. All italicized passages taken from the Moving Sound Technologies website.<br /><h3 class='related_post_title'>Related Posts:</h3><ul class='related_post'><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/04/the-sacred-and-the-profane/' title='The Sacred and the Profane'>The Sacred and the Profane</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/04/yellow-peril-and-the-american-dream/' title='Yellow Peril and the American Dream'>Yellow Peril and the American Dream</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/03/psy-the-clown-vs-psy-the-anti-american-on-stereotypes-the-individual-and-asian-american-masculinity/' title='PSY the Clown vs. PSY the “Anti-American”: On Stereotypes, the Individual, and Asian American Masculinity'>PSY the Clown vs. PSY the “Anti-American”: On Stereotypes, the Individual, and Asian American Masculinity</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/01/indian-river/' title='Indian River'>Indian River</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2012/12/sleep-song-the-poetic-epilogue-to-war-cancelled/' title='&lt;em&gt;Sleep Song&lt;/em&gt;, The Poetic Epilogue to War, Cancelled'><em>Sleep Song</em>, The Poetic Epilogue to War, Cancelled</a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>Hold On to What You&#8217;ve Got</title>
		<link>http://therumpus.net/2013/05/hold-on-to-what-youve-got/</link>
		<comments>http://therumpus.net/2013/05/hold-on-to-what-youve-got/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 13 May 2013 07:01:28 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Lindsay King-Miller</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[rumpus original]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[death]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[friendship]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[grief]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[growing up]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[youth]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://therumpus.net/?p=113695</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<em>It feels like we created each other from scratch, scribbling in the details and watching ourselves take shape.</em>]]></description>
				<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">In seventh grade, Heather was the new girl in school. She was chubby and bookish and wore weird, gaudy clothing—denim hats covered in puff-paint flowers, neon orange skeleton earrings that dangled to her shoulders. During a game of kickball, she sat in the gravel on the sidelines, drawing circles in the dust with her sneaker with her face buried in a huge, hardcover </span><em style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Unabridged Shakespeare</em><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">. She carried that book with her everywhere. I adored her instantly. I didn&#8217;t want to play kickball either. I sat down next to her and we were best friends.</span></p><p>There&#8217;s a surprise twist in this story, but I don&#8217;t want you to feel waylaid when it comes, so I&#8217;ll spoil it now: Heather dies in her sleep, at the age of twenty-five, of an undiagnosed heart condition.</p><p>It&#8217;s difficult to articulate the process by which two twelve-year-old girls with a lot of things in common—archetypally awkward, voracious readers, intellectually far ahead of their burgeoning social skills—become inseparable. It feels predestined, unfolding with the simplicity of a teen-movie montage: sleepovers, slasher movies, painting each other&#8217;s fingernails, singing into hairbrushes. It&#8217;s hard to imagine that there was a time I didn&#8217;t know her; that there are aspects of my personality that predate Heather. It feels like we created each other from scratch, scribbling in the details and watching ourselves take shape. We like scary movies. We say “fuck” a lot. We write poetry. I learn to think of myself as strong, confident, unaffected by adversity, because that&#8217;s how I see Heather. Without her I would be too self-conscious to be the first person on the dance floor. But she is always there beside me, throwing her long hair into my face, and I&#8217;m not embarrassed if the two of us are together.</p><p>I suspect that the curious personality merging you see in really close young-girl friendships can only be achieved under very particular circumstances. You must be at that point of adolescence where you&#8217;re only half-formed, as a person, but you feel fully formed. At twelve, you are so far from who you&#8217;re going to be, but in your mind you&#8217;re all the way there. Your opinions are intractably strong and you would die for them, but they&#8217;ll all be completely different in a month. The entire course of your life can be altered by a movie or a song or a long conversation in the dead of night after you&#8217;re supposed to have gone to sleep. Everything you have in common feels magical, as though knowing all the words to “Born to Run” is a sign that your souls are intertwined, instead of a sign that both of your parents came of age in the 1970s. As you begin to sculpt yourself into the person you want to be—the person you believe deep down you have always been, were always destined to be, and have only just now discovered—someone is there to hold your hand. When that happens, there is a part of you that never lets go.</p><p>Heather and I have our own language, a creole of euphemisms and inside jokes and shared memories incomprehensible to anyone other than us. When we&#8217;re together we never seem to need sleep. We stay up for hours after midnight, watching endless parades of horror movies, or we slip out the back door of her house and make our way to the playground, eerie in the moonlight. We are ageless together, unembarrassed to splash through puddles and jump off swingsets. We drive a lot but we never go much of anywhere. The point is the movement and the radio and the windows rolled down and the night air in our faces. We cut class together, walking with our backs straight and not looking around, as though we have every right to go wherever we want, which we do. When the sun is shining and you&#8217;re skipping geography with the one person in the universe who already knows what song is stuck in your head and will start humming it before you do, every door is open and you are a citizen of every street.</p><p><a href="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/DSCF8315-e1368426497846.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-114273" alt="DSCF8315" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/DSCF8315-e1368426497846.jpg" width="600" height="600" /></a></p><p>As we grow up, as we emerge from the glittering cocoon of our youth, we begin to grow apart. I go to college out-of-state, get really into slam poetry, start sleeping with girls. Heather stays home, drops out of college, gets married at 20, goes to a lot of punk shows. We still talk on the phone for hours at a time—we never run out of things to talk about—but our all-night phone marathons grow farther apart. I still come home every year at Christmastime, though, and I spend every New Year&#8217;s Eve with Heather, drinking too much tequila and dancing to Spice Girls-heavy mix tapes we made in eighth grade.</p><p>Our friendship begins to seem to me like a place: I don&#8217;t visit as often as I used to, but every time I walk through the door it&#8217;s like I never left. Our friendship is wallpapered the way we used to decorate our bedrooms, so thick with Scotch-taped detritus you can&#8217;t even see the color of the paint: posters, CD liner notes, handwritten poems, set lists from concerts. Photographs of us, camping in jeans and ponytails or dressed up for <em>The</em> Rocky Horror Picture Show in miniskirts and fishnets. The bookshelves are full of diaries and photo albums, and Heather pulls one down, turns to a certain page, and says “Remember the time that homeless guy said I looked like Farrah Fawcett?” And even though I didn&#8217;t remember it five minutes ago, it comes rushing back: the melting snow on the sidewalk, the Starbucks hot chocolate I was drinking. Heather holds the keys to my memory, the keys to my childhood.</p><p>Our lives are different, our living situations are different, our interests are different, but she is still the person I turn to when I need to turn to someone. When her husband has surgery, I am in the waiting room holding her hand. She is the maid of honor at my wedding. Her toast is goofy and rambling and unlikely to make sense to anyone but the two of us. We dance to Queen and Beyonce and, as always, the Spice Girls. She leaves early because her husband feels sick. This is the last time I ever see her.</p><p>After finishing grad school, I am unemployed and depressed. Heather is overwhelmed by her work schedule and her husband&#8217;s chronic illness. Her social withdrawal mirrors my own. We talk on the phone every few weeks, agreeing that sometime soon things will get easier, and we&#8217;ll have the time and energy to get together again. When she calls, I sit on my front porch in the sunlight, roll my head back on my shoulders and close my eyes. The words still come easily whenever I hear her voice, like slipping back into your mother tongue after months of living in a second language.</p><p>Heather&#8217;s death is astonishing, unanticipated, unimaginable. It happens before dawn on a Friday in December. Her husband finds her lying on the couch. When he calls me several hours later, the sky is gray-white, and I watch a ragged line of geese flying aimlessly, not migrating, just wandering. I think clearly, before the crying starts: There is nowhere to go.</p><p><em id="__mceDel"><a href="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/DSCF8320.jpg"><img class="alignright" alt="DSCF8320" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/DSCF8320-300x300.jpg" width="300" height="300" /></a></em>As I write this, Heather has been gone for one hundred and four days. Some of those days I&#8217;ve woken up cheerful and clear-eyed, remembering the best times: road tripping to Glenwood Springs, cutting class to sit in line for a concert all day. Other days, it guts me. I sit on the floor and cry until my nose bleeds. I look through my photo album—the real one she made me for my eighteenth birthday, covered in stickers and scrawled with her absurdly girly handwriting, the i&#8217;s dotted with stars—and feel terribly, terribly old. I regret the cute haircut I got last week, because Heather never saw me with my hair like this, so now I am a person she has never seen, and the distance between us gets a little bigger.</p><p>My youth feels like a ghost town, an abandoned and dilapidated house I don&#8217;t have the keys to anymore. I stand at the window looking in, and I can make out some of the pictures on the walls, and I can see the photo albums on the shelves, but I can&#8217;t see what&#8217;s inside them. I can&#8217;t see the details. Our special language of coded facial expressions and inside jokes is useless. Our favorite movies to stay up all night watching are just embarrassing, low-budget, and trashy, now that I have no one to watch them with. No one else will ever do the dances we made up to “I&#8217;m a Believer” and “Look Sharp.” Heather—the part of me that is Heather—curls inside me like an unused and atrophying organ.</p><p>I wish I could tell you how to live through a loss like this. I wish I could tell you how to pull yourself up off the floor and wipe your nose and brush your hair and keep going. I wish I could tell you how to not cry when “Living on a Prayer” comes on the radio, because that was one of her favorite songs, and they played it at her funeral, and “we&#8217;ve got each other and that&#8217;s a lot” is suddenly incredibly fucking poignant songwriting. I wish I could tell you, but honest to God, I have no idea. All I can tell you is that it really, really hurts.</p><p>I am still trying to put myself back together, like a puzzle with some of the pieces missing. I won&#8217;t be the same as I was before. I will be much older than these few months can account for. I&#8217;ll be less carefree, less reckless, less willing to be the only person on the dance floor. I&#8217;ll move a little slower and talk a little quieter, and sometimes I&#8217;ll look like I want to say something, but I won&#8217;t, because the person I would say it to is gone. I&#8217;ll tear up when I hear Bon Jovi, and belligerently refuse to explain myself. Some of my puzzle pieces will fit together weird, because they were never supposed to overlap, so I&#8217;ll have strange jagged edges and be fragile in places you wouldn&#8217;t expect. I suppose I&#8217;ll be wiser, if that&#8217;s the kind of silver lining you&#8217;re interested in. Mostly, I think, I&#8217;ll be lonelier.</p><p>But I&#8217;ll still watch trashy horror movies and listen to the Knack, even if I have to do it on my own. I&#8217;ll still swear too much and read Stephen King and dance foolishly and drive fast and get lots of tattoos and wear sexy clothes even though I&#8217;m fat and not apologize for falling in love young. Those are some of the things that I learned from Heather or she learned from me or we both learned in unison. They aren&#8217;t things that make me feel young, not really, not anymore—they&#8217;re just part of who I am. Heather is part of me. It&#8217;s not enough. It doesn&#8217;t make me miss her less. But it&#8217;s something.</p><p>***</p><p><em></em><em>Rumpus original art by <a href="http://clarenauman.carbonmade.com/">Clare Nauman</a>.</em><br /><h3 class='related_post_title'>Related Posts:</h3><ul class='related_post'><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/05/improvising-a-bone-graft/' title='Improvising a Bone Graft'>Improvising a Bone Graft</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/02/the-sunday-rumpus-essay-getting-made-in-honor-of-ronan-louis-and-emily-rapp/' title='The Sunday Rumpus Essay: Getting Made (in honor of Ronan Louis and Emily Rapp)'>The Sunday Rumpus Essay: Getting Made (in honor of Ronan Louis and Emily Rapp)</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2012/12/108413/' title='Dirty or Clean?'>Dirty or Clean?</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2012/05/infinite-ache/' title='“Infinite Ache” '>“Infinite Ache” </a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/06/last-city-i-loved-omaha-nebraska/' title='The Last City I Loved: Omaha, Nebraska'>The Last City I Loved: Omaha, Nebraska</a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>Who’s the Narcissist?</title>
		<link>http://therumpus.net/2010/05/who%e2%80%99s-the-narcissist/</link>
		<comments>http://therumpus.net/2010/05/who%e2%80%99s-the-narcissist/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 11 May 2010 07:01:27 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eryn Loeb</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[books]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[reviews]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rumpus original]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Ana Marie Cox]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[emily gould]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fruit]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[gawker]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Joan Didion]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[new york]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[youth]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://therumpus.net/?p=51746</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<h4><a href="http://www.booksmith.com/book/9781439123898"><img class="alignleft size-full wp-image-51747" title="51762LinSsL._SX106_" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/51762LinSsL._SX106_.jpg" alt="" width="90" height="137" /></a>Emily Gould may be the queen of oversharing—but you’re the one reading this review of her book.<span id="more-51746"></span></h4><p>Like so many of us, I spend an unhealthy amount of time reading blogs. My fall down the rabbit hole really began, I guess, around 2004, when I first moved to New York and was working cubicle-bound at a non-profit.</p>]]></description>
				<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h4><a href="http://www.booksmith.com/book/9781439123898"><img class="alignleft size-full wp-image-51747" title="51762LinSsL._SX106_" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/51762LinSsL._SX106_.jpg" alt="" width="90" height="137" /></a>Emily Gould may be the queen of oversharing—but you’re the one reading this review of her book.<span id="more-51746"></span></h4><p>Like so many of us, I spend an unhealthy amount of time reading blogs. My fall down the rabbit hole really began, I guess, around 2004, when I first moved to New York and was working cubicle-bound at a non-profit. In that situation, <a href="http://www.gawker.com">Gawker</a> was both a revelation and a lifeline, and I probably spent as much time refreshing it as I did proofreading fact sheets about sustainable coffee production. Jessica Coen was the editor back then, and I remained more or less addicted through various staffing turnovers, until that fateful week in November, 2007 when Emily Gould and Choire Sicha (then editors of the site along with Alex Balk) read an uncomfortably apt piece about their workplace in <em><a href="http://www.nplusonemag.com/gawker-2002-2007">n+1</a></em> and <a href="http://gawker.com/328558/a-long-dark-early-evening-of-the-soul-with-keith-gessen">decided to quit</a>.</p><p>During the years when Gawker was a disturbingly vivid part of my life, I ate up posts about celebrity sightings, layoffs in the publishing industry and Gould’s personal life, as only the bored and generally aspiring can. I watched as the site got meaner and the posting rate accelerated from reassuringly regular to relentless, and as the comment system morphed into something vaguely fascist. The latter bothered me, but not as much as it might have—though scrolling through pages of comments was one of my preferred methods of procrastination, I myself didn’t comment.</p><p>To read the comments unfurling at the end of most any post on any Gawker Media blog, you’d think every reader were chiming in—but lurking is actually the default (in)action. There are thousands and thousands of readers who are, to put it a little dramatically, witnesses rather than collaborators. And there are lots of reasons for not commenting: laziness, shyness, intimidation, voyeurism, a sense of superiority; all I know is that despite my fixation on these blogs—and, by extension, the lives and personalities of their writers—something stops me from wading in.</p><div id="attachment_51894" class="wp-caption alignright" style="width: 235px"><a href="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Emily_Gould-9397_final-web.jpg"><img class="size-full wp-image-51894" title="Emily_Gould-9397_final-web" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Emily_Gould-9397_final-web.jpg" alt="" width="225" height="245" /></a><p class="wp-caption-text">Emily Gould</p></div><p>I don’t pretend, though, that this keeps my hands clean. When it comes to the saga of Emily Gould—reaching new heights this month with the publication of her memoir/essay collection <a href="http://www.booksmith.com/book/9781439123898" target="_self"><em>And the Heart Says Whatever</em></a>—I’ve been transfixed, from her tenure at Gawker to her prolific blogging elsewhere, to the 2008 <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/25/magazine/25internet-t.html"><em>New York Times Magazine</em> story</a> in which she recounted how her life and long-term relationship unraveled as she revealed more and more about them online. I’ve paid attention because I’m genuinely interested in Gould’s writing, and because, being in my late 20s in New York, navigating the exhausting, incestuous, barely paying world of freelance writing, I relate to her and what she writes about. We both like books! We both have cats! I don’t know, it might stop there. Whatever.</p><p>To say that Gould’s book has been highly anticipated would be true, but wouldn’t get at some of the disheartening reasons behind that anticipation: people are hungry for a newsworthy target for their snark, an excuse to revive the attacks that unfolded in the aftermath of that <em>Times Magazine</em> article, and, generally, a pretext to be dismissive, dickish, and haughty about our oversharing, blog-based culture. Admittedly, I came to the book expecting to like it. And I did. Actually, I loved it: I thought it was gut-wrenching and smart and naked and beautifully written. You can read it as a document of a particular techno-era in New York (and of confessional online culture in general), and as a chronicle of the fallout from a specific moment in Gawker’s reign. But the stories Gould tells here are also very personal, and very sad. The fact that she’s told parts of some of them before doesn’t change that—she captures better than almost anyone the feeling of what it’s like to be young(ish), both ambitious and aimless, more watchful and introspective than is good for her, at this particular moment in our culture.</p><p>That doesn’t mean Emily Gould is “the voice of her generation” (as certain publicity materials would have you believe), or even that she’s speaking, as <a href="http://nymag.com/arts/books/features/65591"></a>Curtis Sittenfeld recently fawned, “to the truths of women’s lives.” She’s certainly speaking to the truth of her own life, as someone with experiences that are very much of a certain generation. But as we’ve seen over and over again, it’s not enough for a writer to “just” tell her own story, particularly if that writer is a woman; at the same time, if people suspect a writer is trying to speak for her gender or her generation, they’re ready to resent or ridicule her for it. As Gould told Sittenfeld, “If a woman writes about herself, she’s a narcissist. If a man does the same, he’s describing the human condition. But people seem to evaluate your work based on how much they relate to it, so it’s like, well, who’s the narcissist?”</p><p>To Gould’s credit, in <em>And the Heart</em> she writes about Gawker mostly with pleasing vagueness, and leaves out her <em>Times</em> story entirely—it would have been easy and more sensational to build a book around that central essay, but she has other stories to tell. As she recounts her experience of being knocked down in, and by, New York—having her words scrutinized in a creative writing workshop, assuming the guise of a publishing professional, getting caught up in the romance of shoddy apartments—she perhaps unavoidably perpetuates a certain New York mythos, but she builds on Joan Didion’s sense of the place rather than just imitating, or playing tribute to her. In one sense, the whole thing feels like an apology—an extended explanation of how she started out one way and grew into a different person—and a requiem for the six-year relationship that died in the process: “The whole time we were together, it turned out, I had been working on making myself into someone he wouldn’t recognize.”</p><p>She’s obsessed with the way time passes, and especially with what it means to be young—to feel your youth draining from you in a way that feels like both a punishment and a reward. Coming from someone so young (she’s 28) this inevitably reads as a little annoying, but it also feels utterly true. Gould is attuned to the way things around and inside her are shifting and changing, and she can’t stop herself from testing certain boundaries, pushing against her surroundings to see if there’s any give—even as she knows this is a cliché. “The future was still unclear, but just unclear enough to be exciting and not so unclear as to be frightening,” she writes in one meaningful distinction. She takes stock of the somehow yawning distance that exists between a man-boy of 23 and her 26-year-old self. Of that 23-year-old, she writes, “He was so young that even after smoking half a pack of cigarettes and staying up all night the inside of his mouth tasted like some mild fruit.” And, reflecting on her inexorable aging:</p><blockquote><p>This is one of the most painful things about getting older, especially getting older in the same place where you were young: the constant realizations that you could have been doing everything better all along, if only you’d known how to read the map more accurately.</p></blockquote><div id="attachment_51827" class="wp-caption alignleft" style="width: 185px"><a href="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/widget_bgMmSmSxzlvzeAGt1xeMuR.jpg"><img class="size-full wp-image-51827" title="widget_bgMmSmSxzlvzeAGt1xeMuR" src="http://therumpus.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/widget_bgMmSmSxzlvzeAGt1xeMuR.jpg" alt="" width="175" height="254" /></a><p class="wp-caption-text">Ana Marie Cox</p></div><p>Youth and generation were a focus of Ana Marie Cox’s oddly peeved, finger-wagging <a href="http://www.bookforum.com/inprint/017_01/5359">early review in <em>Bookforum</em></a><em> </em>, in which she scolded Gould for not understanding that actions have consequences. “Gould, in general, does not seem to think much about her future, let alone about how those choices will appear when she looks back,” Cox wrote, as if oblivious to the fact that this is in fact one of Gould’s points.</p><p>Differences of opinion aside, Cox’s scattered, strangely savage tone (Gould’s choices, she writes, “seem much less brave to me than they might have when I was her age,”) seemed disproportionate to her subject in ways I wouldn’t have expected of someone who did her own time in the Gawker Media trenches. Cox was the founding editor/blogger of Wonkette; she’s also, despite what you might infer from her review, only 37. Weirdly, Cox is just as unsparing in her assessment of Gould’s entire generation; according to her, we’ve “grown up confusing irony with tragedy, nonchalance with acceptance, a pose with poise, self-dramatization with self-awareness.” That’s painting with pretty broad strokes, and it’s hard to understand why Cox takes it so personally—or why anger and offense are so often the default reactions to Gould’s writing.</p><p>Gould’s experiences are all tangled up with looming questions about privacy and self-exposure and technology, but though these personal essays are set in that context, they are not <em>about</em> it. That distinction can be hard to see when our culture is still in the early stages of sorting through this stuff, and when the Internet’s influence on our thoughts and relationships and sense of self still has a whiff of novelty, or indecency. <em>And the Heart</em> raises plenty of interesting questions about the life of its author and her peers, but the idea that Gould represents a distasteful, altogether alien generation, or that her faults, and her honesty about them, somehow gives everyone her age a bad name, just makes her accusers sound petty and overwrought.</p><p>“There’s this weird quality of being suspicious and cynical about everything and simultaneously, unwittingly, being utterly open and receptive and gullible that is part of youth, or at least was part of my youth,” Gould writes early in the book. We’d probably all be better off if we aspired to that kind of balance regardless of age. It has certainly informed Gould’s writing here—maybe, despite her scars, she’s younger than she thinks.<br /><h3 class='related_post_title'>Related Posts:</h3><ul class='related_post'><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/06/new-york-through-jack-kerouacs-eyes/' title='New York through Jack Kerouac’s Eyes'>New York through Jack Kerouac’s Eyes</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/06/notable-new-york-0617-0623/' title='Notable New York: 06/17-06/23'>Notable New York: 06/17-06/23</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/05/notable-new-york-527-62/' title='Notable New York: 5/27-6/2'>Notable New York: 5/27-6/2</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/05/a-brief-history-of-swans/' title='A Brief History of Swans'>A Brief History of Swans</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/05/notable-new-york-520-526/' title='Notable New York: 5/20-5/26'>Notable New York: 5/20-5/26</a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>Rumpus Original &#8211; On Teaching Poetry To Women In Prison</title>
		<link>http://therumpus.net/2008/12/rumpus-original-on-teaching-poetry-to-women-in-prison/</link>
		<comments>http://therumpus.net/2008/12/rumpus-original-on-teaching-poetry-to-women-in-prison/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:51:12 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Robin Romm</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[rumpus original]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[prison]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[robin romm]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[suffering]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Why Write]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[youth]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://therumpus.net/?p=538</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p><img class="alignright" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2378/2191247021_190c09281d.jpg?v=0" alt="" width="120" height="180" /><em><a href="http://robinromm.com/" target="_blank"></a></em>I was nineteen.  Prison seemed sexy and foreign—as did most forbidden things.  Maybe I wanted to seem tough.  Maybe I needed something to differentiate me from all the other over-achieving, world-traveled students at the university I attended.  Maybe I felt I had something to give.</p>]]></description>
				<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><img class="alignright" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2378/2191247021_190c09281d.jpg?v=0" alt="" width="120" height="180" /><em><a href="http://robinromm.com/" target="_blank"></a></em>I was nineteen.  Prison seemed sexy and foreign—as did most forbidden things.  Maybe I wanted to seem tough.  Maybe I needed something to differentiate me from all the other over-achieving, world-traveled students at the university I attended.  Maybe I felt I had something to give.<span id="more-538"></span> Whatever my motivation, I wrote and received a grant to teach creative writing and arts workshops in all wings of the women’s prison, full-time for one summer.  I’d already been going into the prison once a week through a project supported by the warden, a progressive artist with a genuine desire to change the system from within.</p><p>The group of students who went in weekly during the school year met a few times for training around a big wooden table in a regal, off-white room in the university’s public service center.  Handouts informed us that female inmates usually got time for petty, victimless crimes like tax evasion or prostitution.  Occasionally, they aided a criminal boyfriend or husband, but mostly they were victims of a larger social problem: poverty.</p><p>Going once a week to the prison with the student volunteers, I never really learned what the women were in for.  They wrote poems, sure.  But mostly we played absurdist games or used lines from published poetry to get them started.  Women came and went, leaving little vignettes about love lost, limericks about their apartments.  But when I began to spend every day there by myself, the deeper stories emerged.</p><p>One of my students, barely out of her teens—white, with wire glasses and dishwater blond hair—looked like she should be sitting on a dorm couch eating chips.  When she came to the workshop, she wrote vivid little poems about stabbing a man—a murder she had, in fact, committed.  The social worker told me that this inmate derived sexual gratification from violent talk, but the other inmates said she was just hoping to get sent to the mental hospital where the food was better, the rules more relaxed.  Another of my students burned a house down that contained her two children.  Another woman, with a Pegasus tattooed across her back, ran over someone in a car.  The brightest and most charismatic was a young black woman with muscular arms who named herself after a popular item of furniture.  She had a powerful speaking voice, a thirst for radical cultural theory, and made the blue government-issue shirt look sexy.</p><p>Whoever told me about this young woman’s double homicide (an inmate? I can’t remember), said that she had killed two women of a rival gang with her bare hands.</p><p>After I heard this, I returned to the co-op where I lived with fifteen other idealistic, cargo pant-wearing students, and sat on my futon.  I looked at my own hands: knobby, strewn with rings.  All of us have the capacity for murder.  I remember this realization, the way it felt, like sitting in a cold wind.<br />I went in to meet with the woman who oversaw the project at the university’s public service center.  I had been thinking about the killings for days, trying to wrap my head around them.  They had changed me, changed the way I saw my job there.  I still liked these women.  They laughed at stupid sounds.  They wrote surprisingly moving poems for apples and pears.  But if these women were victims of the system, it was a hell of a lot more complicated than anyone ever admitted.</p><p>The women in the writing workshops were the ones with time on their hands: seven years, fourteen years, double life.  The ones with three weeks had calls to make, documents to read.  I told the project manager that the training should include some case histories.  Shouldn’t we be able to do the same work in the face of the truth?  Isn’t the whole point of learning to get to the crazy, conflicted heart of a thing?  The big picture hadn’t changed: these women were mostly poor or mentally unstable.  They were victims in a sense.  But they weren’t entirely victims and it was wrong to make it seem that way.  The project manager shook her head.  She remarked that my negativity would endanger the project.  When the fall semester started, I continued my work at the prison, but the project manager didn’t hire me to train volunteers.  Nor did she have me discuss my summer of work with the group.  Maybe she feared that the truth would affect funding.  Maybe she thought it would make the college liable if anything bad ever did happen to us in that place.</p><p>I’ve thought about this sporadically over the years.  When my mother lay dying after a decade long battle with cancer, people told me that she was no longer suffering, that she would go to a better place, that her spirit would live on.  But she had suffered for ten years; she fought to suffer.  Suffering meant life and beyond life, no one knew anything.  Why was everyone trying to reduce the truth?  Why couldn’t they meet me in the heart of the thing—in its total chaos and pain?</p><p>Maybe I knew at nineteen, even before I could articulate it, that writing would be a vehicle to say the things the world asks you to keep quiet.  Maybe I knew this could be a gift to those women whose lives undoubtedly lacked order and ease.  In the refined silence of a page, all the roaring of the world can be felt—the giving mothers who die too young in terrible pain and the girls who strangle other girls in dark buildings at night, then turn around to write stunning elegies to fruit.</p><p>**</p><p>See also <a href="http://therumpus.net/?p=394">How My First Book Got Published, Po Bronson</a><br /><h3 class='related_post_title'>Related Posts:</h3><ul class='related_post'><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2009/01/on-teaching-poetry-to-women-in-prison/' title='On Teaching Poetry to Women in Prison'>On Teaching Poetry to Women in Prison</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/05/on-loitering/' title='On Loitering'>On Loitering</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2013/05/hold-on-to-what-youve-got/' title='Hold On to What You&#8217;ve Got'>Hold On to What You&#8217;ve Got</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2012/12/when-schools-use-the-police-station-as-a-principals-office/' title='When Schools Use the Police Station as a Principal&#8217;s Office'>When Schools Use the Police Station as a Principal&#8217;s Office</a></li><li><a href='http://therumpus.net/2012/10/conversations-with-literary-ex-cons-piper-kerman/' title='Conversations With Literary Ex-Cons: Piper Kerman'>Conversations With Literary Ex-Cons: Piper Kerman</a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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