If I was a mystery shopper I would say…

“Nice to meet you.”

“This bus is more crowded than I thought it would be.”

“Who are you texting?”

“You’re very easy to talk to…”

“And my date fell asleep during the date…”

“I’ve had a few dreams recently about my ex-boyfriends finally getting the courage to say the mean things I always knew they wanted to say to me.”

“I feel like cutting you up…”

“I sent you a text message and waited for you to respond…”

“I must be losing weight, because that brown shirt fits me now.”

“You know how when you drive through bridges you’re supposed to wish something?”

“Sometimes I feel like I’m in some kind of short break between segments of my actual life.”

“What do you think happens after you die?”

Another great installment in the Heavy-Handed comic series:

“We should move to Sweden together, Chelsea…”