At Salon, Rumpus contributor Lauren Eggert-Crowe writes about her experience participating in a pheromone party, a phenomenon at the intersection of science and speed dating.

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Series #1 contains 20 collectible cards that come in random packs of five with a cover/checklist card listing all the acts. The first five readers to inquire will receive a free complete set of Randy Packs Series #1! Use this form for your email, and remember to include “Rumpus” in the subject line.

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Dita von Teese, burlesque superstar, author, actress, costume and lingerie designer, and formidable businesswoman, is idolized by many who might not otherwise fancy themselves enthusiasts of burlesque, let alone openly admire a star of “adult entertainment.” She has revived both an early incarnation of her art (even the “tease” in “striptease” seems charmingly antiquated by standards shaped by Hustler and the Internet-driven ubiquity of porn) but also an aesthetic, a mode of comportment that harkens back to a time when women went to finishing school and learned to dress, pose, sit, walk, gesticulate, speak, and even laugh with a certain delicate restraint. It’s an aesthetic wherein a woman’s dignity is an integral part of her sexual allure, rather than a thing to be sacrificed in pursuit of sexiness.

Von Teese’s burlesque performances and her vast body of work as a model (for which she has maintained both artistic and financial control, designing and copyrighting the images) are marked by a playfulness that never gets sloppy, a sensual and sexual openness that never succumbs to the crass: in her most outré moments one can’t quite imagine her doing anything “obscene.” This juxtaposition of the high and low art, the very artfulness itself, has made Von Teese the most celebrated burlesque dancer in the world, and gained her fans of both sexes, even made her an unlikely feminist idol.

***

The Rumpus: How do you rehearse? How much of what we see onstage is improvised?

Dita von Teese: It depends on the act. Some are very precise and more tightly choreographed than others. Others are not so much apart from hitting certain marks and parts of the song, because the sizes of my stage vary so much that I have to be ready for anything, to work with a new space. Plus with the complexity of most the costumes and the way they come off, there’s got to be a little leeway in the choreography.

Rumpus: One thing people often remark on regarding your work, and the “vintage” burlesque it harkens back to, is that it is so elegant, playful, and even innocent compared to many of today’s forms of titillating dance performance and stripping. Why do you think “adult entertainment” has diverged from the ladylike to this much more overt (perhaps even humorless and literal) and pornified manifestation? Or is it a mistake to even analogize today’s adult entertainment with burlesque?

von Teese: It’s all relative. To relate adult entertainment to burlesque, because that’s what it originally was in the 1930s—titillating entertainment for adults. I don’t romanticize the past much when it comes to this subject, because one could buy hardcore porn, heavy bondage and fetishistic erotica from the time the camera was invented. It’s always been there, and some people have always wanted it; it’s just that nowadays it’s easier to find it. People are people and have always had these urges and fascinations with sexuality and even extreme sex, so I think it would be a mistake to say things are so different now. It’s only different because we are freer to be how we want to be publicly. We also have more access to erotica due to the way technology has changed.

Rumpus: There are ways of moving and posing that many erotic dancers engage in that are hard to imagine you doing. What defines a move—or a pose or gesture—that you won’t do?

von Teese: I respect strippers of all forms, because I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t wandered into a strip club and wanted to know more about striptease history. I got my start in strip clubs, and I’ve always been able to admire what makes a dancer an individual, whether it’s really raunchy or tame, and at this point I guess I just have my own set of rules for myself and what I think works for me and what doesn’t. It’s not really easy to describe it in a way that is about a specific move or gesture. One thing I would never do is that thing some dancers do when they hold their hand to their ear to get applause from an audience. That’s just about the least chic thing I have ever seen a performer do! In my opinion, elegance has nothing to do with “how much” is shown and far more to do with the way one presents herself. I’ve seen beautiful, highly erotic nearly pornographic shows that are more elegant than some burlesque acts. You can’t equate the degree of nudity or suggestion, it’s all about the overall way it’s done.

Rumpus: Your burlesque practice—which is obviously very much your unique expression—is strongly rooted in the erotic performance art of the past. Yet your presentation of yourself on stage (and that of your predecessors) seems utterly empowered; it’s hard to believe that your burlesque has been criticized as a sublimation of women or anti-gender-equality, although I’ve read that it has, occasionally. On the flip side, today’s stripping and erotic dancing can sometimes seem very much a degradation and objectification of women, despite our improved status. If you agree with this assessment, why do you think there is this inverse relationship between women as portrayed in erotic dance from previous eras to now?

von Teese: I’ve really only come under fire when it’s someone who doesn’t know that my audience is mainly women. But I can’t agree with the assessment about erotic dancing or porn, because even if you step into a typical strip club, you don’t get to decide for someone else what is degrading. In my opinion, we all have a right to be objectified if that’s what we want. Listen, in my wildest sex fantasies, no one loves me for my mind! But for me, as a woman making a living the same way great showgirls of the past did before me, I don’t pay any attention to the argument of what I do, I know what I do and why I do it and what people get from seeing my shows.

Rumpus: You’re a great advocate of glamour and the power of “putting some effort” into one’s appearance, and you successfully combine glamour, discretion, and “classiness” with sexiness. A lot of women have trouble combining those things, feeling they have to choose between dignity and sexiness. What advice do you have for women who want find that balance you maintain so well?

von Teese: It’s a bit like what I said above about combining charm and elegance with a playful sensuality. It’s 2012; we can have it all. It’s no longer a choice between dignity and sexiness. If you really get to the essence of what makes one sexy, if you get past just what you see in magazines and such, you can see that true sexiness has many facets. The elements include things like confidence, strength, intelligence, and humor. The great seductresses in history knew that it isn’t just about trying to look sexy or pretty; it’s an art and one becomes skillful in it when she realizes that there are all these conflicting elements that all come together to make something magical. So, what I’m saying is that you don’t need to choose, you just need to understand that all these different things come together to create sexy, and your mind and your personality are a massive part of that.

Rumpus: In your book Burlesque and the Art of the Teese/Fetish and the Art of the Teese, you talk about glamour not being inaccessible—that it’s about being creative, taking care, and making the most of what one has. Do you think of this as enhancement of what is there, or the creation of illusions? Is there a point past which personal myth-making becomes sinister or self-destructive? What are your thoughts on the lucrative cosmetic surgery industry?

von Teese: It’s mostly about enhancing what you have, while spinning a magic spell. Glamour is about creating illusion. I’m clearly all for the illusion, partially because I also love to strip it all away at times and reveal my vulnerability to those I want to. It’s not about hiding.

Regarding cosmetic surgery, it’s nothing new. After all, the first nose jobs were done in the 1700s, so I think the taboo should be lifted by now. But what I also want for anyone who wants to utilize these dramatic forms for beauty enhancement is that they learn how to use it properly and know when enough is enough and when to stop obsessing over things like one tiny wrinkle. The problem is that a lot of people don’t know how to use it gracefully.

Rumpus: Where did you learn your business savvy. Do you have business advice for artists and performers?

von Teese: I think I’ve always had it in me. I’ve always been a saver and planner. I’ve always been concerned for my future. Even when I was working in a strip club in the early 90s, I was saving 15 percent of every dime I made. I was also investing, even though it wasn’t much. I have always told myself it doesn’t last forever. I’m very sensible with my money.

Rumpus: Where do you see yourself professionally in 20 years?

von Teese: In twenty years I will be turning 60. I have no idea what’s in store for me. But I would like to imagine that I will be more focused on designing my lingerie and dresses full-time and also writing my autobiography.

***

Dita von Teese will be performing at the Fillmore in San Francisco on Monday and Tuesday nights, May 21 and 22, at 7pm. Tickets here.

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Madison’s work is all herself: kinky and intellectual, feminist and submissive, primal and ethereal and just really fucking real. Like any good revolutionary, her life is a bundle of seemingly contradictory identities: She’s a Midwestern girl from a town called Loveland who found a home in the kink scene in San Francisco. She runs several businesses, including pay-to-play porn websites (the very NSFW MadisonBound.com and Feminist Porn Network) and the nonprofit arts organization Femina Potens, which she founded in 2001 to promote the work of women and transgendered artists. She’s a queer woman in a dom/sub relationship with a biological man. Oh, and she just had a baby. Is Katie Roiphe’s head exploding yet?

Madison and her partner, photographer and shibari/rope bondage artist James Mogul, recently relocated to Southern California from San Francisco, where Madison is launching Femina Potens’ LA programming and saving on the cost of living with a one-year-old baby. We talked over email about her current projects, Fifty Shades of Grey mania, and how to survive San Francisco’s gnarly rental market as an artist.

***

The Rumpus: So, you have like 20 jobs at any given time. Can you bring us up to speed on some of your projects?

Madison Young: I just returned to California from a whirlwind tour of the Midwest presenting workshops on sexuality, feminism, and pornography at independent sex shops. In my teaching, I focus on how to have mind-blowing sex and then document those pleasurable moments on film. I’ve been really drawn to creating more documentary style pornography in the last couple of years. I have two films I’m releasing in the next month: Women Reclaiming Sex on Film is a documentary/porn. We listen as women unveil their fantasies, we listen to their sexual negotiations, and then we witness some incredibly hot and intimate sexual moments that these women are courageous enough to share with the camera. To Sir with Love is also a documentary porn that captures a snapshot of my life and relationship with my real-life dominant and partner, James Mogul. The film looks at submission through in-depth interviews and then follows me on the road, into the dungeon, into the bedroom and the physical practice of BDSM within a long-term relationship.

I’m working with some mainstream film production companies on concepts for television and film projects but nothing that I can really talk about yet. But I’m really excited about where those conversations are going. I’m also very excited about beginning to direct for Girlfriends Films, and we’re in conversation about an educational line [of videos].

Rumpus: What are some of the main differences between being behind and in front of the camera in porn?

Young: It’s two completely different jobs and skill sets. Directing is cerebral and visionary; performing is much more visceral and primal, like the creation of dance, theater, or art. As a director, my key responsibility is to truly listen to my performers. As a performer, my main goals are authenticity, pleasure, connection, and communication. I love them both, although sometimes when I’m performing in my own productions it can be challenging. Have you ever tried to direct a film while hanging suspended upside down with a ball gag in your mouth?

Rumpus: No, no I have not.

Young: It has its challenging moments. When I’m performing and directing I just try to do as much pre-production work as possible and have very detailed conversations with my videographers regarding the shots I’m looking for and the vision of my film.

Rumpus: And what about the differences between working in mainstream and independent, queer porn?

Young: I’ve worked a good deal in mainstream porn but I only perform for my own company now. All of the queer pornographers that I know also identify as sex-positive and would call their films and productions sex-positive. Mainstream porn is produced purely to generate income. This doesn’t mean that independent pornographers don’t want our films to generate income, but it’s not the bottom line or the sole motivator for the production of films. The mainstream porn industry has found the fastest way to produce the most content for the largest profit. It’s the difference between eating at McDonalds or at a local restaurant that makes everything from scratch with local produce. That said, the mainstream adult industry is going through a lot of shifts and changes right now and I believe those shifts could leave space to be filled with sex-positive pornography and a more positive outlook on sexuality.

Rumpus: What about the outlook of these broader TV and film projects you can’t talk about yet? The mainstream entertainment industry seems to me like it gets off on subcultures while at the same time diluting or misunderstanding them—particularly when it comes to women and our bodies. Is that something you’ve encountered in developing projects with bigger media outlets or giving interviews?

Young: I have no interest in appearing in mainstream media if it means conforming to a dumbed-down stereotype or caricature of my identity or the communities I’m a part of. My interest lies in expanding the conversation about the complex identities of people in LGBTQ, kink, sex worker, and sex-positive communities. These are all sub-sects of our culture that are often targeted in hate crimes, rape, and abuse – as well as depression and suicide – simply for being who we are. The work I do is about creating space for people to feel confident and safe in exploring their full and complete identity without judgment. If we are able to expand this to a mainstream level, it breaks a wall of isolation that individuals might feel when they are discovering parts of their identity that might set them apart from the people they see around them.

I remember the first time I visited San Francisco’s Castro District at age 17, in 1997, and just sat at Orphan Andy’s diner people-watching. It was the first time that I had really seen other queers who had partners. I had two friends that identified as gay but none of us had ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend. We were alone in our gaydom. [Laughs] But that moment of watching dykes and queers sitting down, eating dinner, staring into their lovers’ eyes in love or lust, it was magical. It gave me hope. It made me realize that I wouldn’t always be alone. I think that was a key moment of empowerment for me.

I’ve experienced my life and actions being taken out of context and used purely for sensationalist journalism before and it’s very painful and challenging. I understand that as someone in the media I’m putting myself out there, and that not everyone is always going to agree with me. If they did, it would be a pretty boring world. But there is a difference between ignorance and hate, and intelligent discourse on controversial subject matters.

Rumpus: Speaking of controversial mainstream discourse… Fifty Shades of Grey. New York Times bestseller. Dom/sub erotica. Media hype. Either fun sexy smut, or abusive anti-feminist crap, depending on which critic you ask. Have you read it?

Young: I’ve read the first couple of chapters so far. The dom in the relationship isn’t actually that much older than the college student, which makes me feel like it’s less realistic. Of course there are younger dominants, but it’s not like you just pick up a whip and you’re instantly a dominant. Dominants have to find their own path and take their own journey into discovering who they are, just as submissives do. I think that was one of the fascinating elements of the movie Secretary. It wasn’t just about the submissive woman discovering herself but about the dominant discovering his own path as well.

Thus far in Shades, the main character who is the submissive woman is kind of young and annoying and is crushing like a schoolgirl over Mr. Grey. I haven’t gotten to the BDSM elements of the book thus far so I can’t comment on whether or not their interaction comes across as abusive. But thus far I’m not finding the characters terribly relatable.

Abuse is a word that is much too commonly paired with BDSM, which is unfortunate. BDSM is a form of energy exchange similar to massage, meditation, or sex. The practice of BDSM relies on communication and consent to create boundaries and structure for the safety and pleasure of both dominant and submissive (or “sadist and masochist”). Abuse involves physically or psychologically harming another person. For example, there is a huge difference between receiving a spanking that you are consenting to while having sex with your partner versus your boss spanking your butt as you are leaving the board room after a meeting. One is an exchange of pre-negotiated physical intimacy and energy. The other is a non-consensual physical invasion and abuse of power.

I’m anxious to read the rest of Fifty Shades and to see how it is interpreted to film. I do think that the book has opened both the mainstream media and “middle America” to conversation about BDSM and will be a catalyst and opportunity for more projects (whether documentary, narrative film, and literature) that explore the intricacies of alternative sexual cultures, including BDSM.

Rumpus: What erotica would you recommend to readers turned on by Fifty Shades of Grey?

Young: Personally I find The Market Place series, by Laura Antoniou, and Carrie’s Story, by Molly Weatherfield, much more engaging and erotically stimulating, although I can see how both of those examples might be too much for someone outside of the BDSM community.

Rumpus: You recently had a baby, Emma, who’s a year old now, and you worked throughout your pregnancy. Was it difficult to place that much physical stress and focus on your body while pregnant?

Young: Working while I was pregnant was cake. I love my work. I love what I do. I think keeping active and working during my pregnancy helped to keep me sane and healthy. I could never imagine just sitting at home waiting to have a baby.

I was very clear and communicative with my obstetrician regarding my work both in adult performance and my bondage performances during my pregnancy. I think its key to have doctors that you trust and who aren’t judgmental. I was able to continue doing rope suspension performance until my second trimester and continued to do bondage modeling up until I was nine months pregnant, with the approval of my doctor and being very conscious of my changing body and circulation.

My first shoot was a self-portrait shoot about four weeks after Emma’s birth. I had gained about 60 pounds during the pregnancy. It was challenging stepping in front of the camera for the first time after having my daughter. It took a lot of self-love and acceptance. But I’ve always felt drawn to documenting my life as a sexual being and I don’t think that our sexual desire stops because we are pregnant or post-partum.

Rumpus: How has your work itself changed, or not changed, since you had a baby?

Young: My life feels much more balanced than it did pre-mommyhood. I’m very selective about where I expend my energy and what the benefit is to me, my family, and my community. I create work around my life so a lot of the art that I’m producing right now is reflecting on my experiences of motherhood, balancing work in the sex industry and motherhood, and the concepts of family, home, and alternative parenting. My life used to be completely consumed by work. I now have an intimate personal life with my family that is supported by the powerful work that I do in the community. I didn’t have that before. My work was my baby.

Rumpus: How do you anticipate negotiating your public/private persona as you go forward raising your child and making films that feature your real-life partner?

Young: It’s something that is always changing and is multi-dimensional. My identity as a public persona versus private lover or mom are not very different. The only thing that varies is subject matter. Whether there is a camera there or not, I’m going to be honest and speak from the heart. Regarding the media and my family, I try to only post things on my personal blogs and social media outlets that relate to my experiences, rather than divulging anything too private about my partner or our daughter. It’s something we’ll have to continue to negotiate on a case-by-case basis and as Emma gets older.

James and I do have a kinky relationship that often involves a DS [dominant/submissive] dynamic. With having a kid, I’ve found that the key is really keeping intimacy and connection between James and I, whether it’s kinky or not. That might involve giving each other a massage or it might involve running off to get tied up in an orchard while we have a babysitter. We love each other and we express that love in a lot of different ways. Sometimes that involves kink and sometimes it doesn’t.

Rumpus: Do people have trouble reconciling Madison Young the feminist with Madison Young the ‘submissive,’ or misunderstand your being a queer woman in a relationship with a man?

Young: At this point in my life I realize that people are going to judge and make assumptions and there isn’t much I can do about that. I don’t need to fight to defend my identity or my sexual choices. It’s simply a part of who I am and how I like to fuck and the community I belong to. I fell in love with James as a person, not a gender. My decision to have a child was one that I made as an individual. Whether or not James was present, I would still be a queer parent. I don’t lose my individual identity simply because I’m in a relationship with someone else. I respect James as an individual and he respects me as an individual as well. We work together as an alternative family to raise our daughter and love one another.

Rumpus: How’s your other baby, the nonprofit arts organization?

Young: We’re expanding! Femina Potens continues to have programming in San Francisco and we’re expanding to Los Angeles and New York City. We did a sold-out SXSW program this year, Intersections of Erotic Performance Art & Pornography. It was an amazing panel discussion, film screening, and performance art event. We’re doing the event again in Brooklyn on May 4, with all new performers. The organization has also secured a board of directors, which includes Margaret Cho and Violet Blue. We’re partnering with the Yerba Buena Arts Center for our fall film programming in San Francisco and have multiple performances lined up for the National Queer Arts Festival. On the horizon are online projects, like a digital feminist art magazine and ArtCycle.tv, which will look behind the scenes of Femina Potens events and programs, and hopefully expand to a global audience.

Rumpus: How have you seen the feminist art scene grow in the eleven years you’ve been programming for Femina Potens?

Young: There has definitely been movement and change but there’s still a long way to go. It’s challenging because many of the organizations that are doing amazing work are volunteer-run and we have a lot of turnover. This turnover creates a sense of impermanence and an inability to gain the strides that I wish we could be making.

What I’d really like to see next for the feminist art movement is a greater sense of organization. I think its time that we own the land, we own the space, the building in which to archive our culture, in which to create. I’ve seen major funding cuts in the past couple of years, which has also created great challenges for many non-profit organizations.

Rumpus: Let’s talk about money…

Young: The economy totally sucks right now. It’s not really great for anyone, at least most of the anyones that I know.

I really have to hustle and have several income streams coming in order to make ends meet. I tour and travel a good deal in order to make a living. It’s challenging. You just really have to believe in the work that you are doing and then others will too.

Rumpus: What practical advice would you give an emerging artist who’s starting out here?

Young: I really felt like surviving financial hardship when I moved to SF in 2001 during the first dot com boom/crash was like a rite of passage for me as a young artist. I was 20. I remember living on couches and impossible rents – folks were renting out walk-in closets. I think when you move to a place like San Francisco or New York as a young artist you have to realize that unless you are independently wealthy, you are going to be living with multiple roommates, in a small apartment, and living on potatoes, ramen, and Mission burritos. You make friends quickly and hope that you have a couch to crash on when times get tough. Solidify your goals. Write them out. Find a mentor or an internship, even if it is unpaid. (On a side note, I’m always taking applications for interns both for Feminist Porn Network and for Femina Potens Art Gallery.) If you are interning 10-15 hours a week, most likely you’ll need to find paying gigs the other 20-30 hours a week. Sometimes those hours are spent tending bar or waiting tables, or if you’re an exhibitionist with a love for sex you might decide to try sex work: cam modeling, pornography, working at a women-owned peep show like Lusty Lady, or professional dom or sub work. If you decide on this route, always get references and talk to friends in the industry first.

Freelance work is your friend as an artist and finding those steady clients whether you are a graphic designer or sex worker is really important when paying rent comes around. Having control over your schedule helps an artist nourish yourself even in small ways, like a walk through the park at lunch with your dog. I think that nourishment allows us to continue to develop art that we love and that we believe in.

Being an artist isn’t an occupation for the weak. You have to be determined, goal oriented, and aggressive at times. You also need to be open, listening, and receptive to what is going on around you… and still pay your rent. Even at the level of work that I do, I don’t expect all of my income to come from one source. I’ve become really good at time management and assessment of how much energy I’m giving to any one part of my life or career and the return – whether that is nourishment of my self creatively, or financially providing for my family.

***

Photo Credits:

Directing, Laurenn McCubbinn

At the gallery, Lydia Daniller

Lying down rope shot, Pat Mazzera

Photo documentation of Madison Young’s Pin the Combat Boots on the Queer Mommy

Hanging seated rope shot, Pat Mazzera

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I’m a sex-positive feminist lecturer and writer. I write primarily about my experiences with S&M, but I have a general interest in sexuality. I first encountered pickup artists when smart ones started attending my educational events and commenting on my blog. Their perspective was interesting, so I started talking to them… then I talked to them more… and then I got completely sucked in. I observed their discussions, watched them in action, and learned their strategies. It’s a really deep rabbit hole, and I fell down really hard.

Towards the end of my research on pickup artists (PUAs), I managed to get into a PUA convention and give a talk there. The convention was organized by Nathan, a sharklike gentleman who came in from New York. Nathan referred to me as a “coach,” and he tried to convince me to sell products or market myself as an instructor. Of course, his motives weren’t just to encourage me: he would have gotten a cut.

The convention took place in a hotel in downtown Chicago, and lasted several days. Each day consisted of lectures from various instructors, followed by field trips to the local nightclubs. Many of these conventions (sometimes called “bootcamps”) cost over a thousand dollars per ticket, but the Chicago Dating Skills summit was a relative bargain at only a few hundred dollars per ticket.

I knew some of the Chicago-local coaches, but others came in from out of town. Most coaches lectured at the convention in exchange for the chance to market their services to the 50 or so attendees. The top PUA coaches can make absurd amounts of money, but there are plenty who make much less, or who are struggling to establish themselves. A lot have day jobs. There are also other community guys, like Nathan, who are not just earning money as coaches but as event organizers.

The first sojourn to the local clubs involved all the coaches lining up at the front of the room, and each taking on three or four clients. The idea was that we’d all go off to the clubs, and each coach would offer an hour or two of advice to these clients for free, by way of advertisement. I was unprepared for this, so I tried to stay in back when Nathan lined up all the coaches… but he shark-grinned and gestured me up front. “Come on, Clarisse,” he said. “You’re helping us out tonight.”

Nathan advertised me to the group as a kind of double agent: “she’s got a woman’s perspective.” I ended up with several very different clients: a beautiful Spanish dance instructor, a tall scrawny guy, and a hipstery skatery dude.

The nightclubs were just as I expected: an ocean of women with yards of straightened hair and pounds of lip gloss. The hipstery skatery dude definitely wanted more guidance than I was able to give. When I told him he should just go try talking to people, and added that I didn’t have a strong preference about what he said, he became exasperated. “You’re the fucking coach,” he said.

How the hell did I end up here? I wondered.

The tall scrawny guy had no interest in the club population at all. “I came to this convention because it seemed intriguing in an anthropological way,” he said. “Honestly, I don’t want to practice openers on these girls. I’d like to hear more about your writing.”

The Spaniard was somewhere in between. He gave me impromptu dance lessons to Lady Gaga songs, and asked a lot of questions about my life. However, his major interest was still the targets around the club. He struck me as handsome and charming enough already; I mostly provided logistical help, like by distracting interfering friends.

My friend Jonnie Walker — yes, that is his real name — had sent his clients off into the crowd, and was leaning up against a pillar. After an hour or so, I went and asked him for advice. “I wasn’t ready for this, dude!”

“I thought you might not be,” Jonnie said cheerfully. “But you dove in anyway, and you’re doing fine. I knew we could rely on you to do what it took. You’re a ballsy girl. I like that about you. Also,” he gave me the once-over, “nice outfit. You dressed to look good, but also so we’d take you seriously.” He nodded to me with professional courtesy. “Perfectly calibrated.”

Another coach negged me a few minutes later. (The “neg” is a famous PUA tactic; it’s a kind of backhanded compliment.) I flipped him off. “Don’t beg,” he said, and I had to laugh. “I’m stealing that one,” I said.

Nathan had actually put a wire on one of his clients, and was listening to the guy’s conversations at a distance. That may have been when I nicknamed him Mr. Shady. I am pleased to report that the other coaches and clients thought this nickname was perfect… although we also agreed that Nathan grows on you.

Indeed, one coach had been calling Nathan shady for years. The next day, Nathan passed us in the hallway while we were discussing how shady he was. Nathan flipped us both off, and kept walking.

“Don’t beg,” I called after him.

He cracked up. “Get over yourself,” he called back.

After Friday, we weren’t assigned to clients, but some of us went out anyway. I kept drinking enough to maximize drink deals, and we all kept club-hopping. Saturday night was patchy like a badly-edited montage.

At one point I got totally separated from the guys, and ended up in a clump of other women. I felt an irrational panic at this, like the ladies would detect the double agent in their midst and tear me to pieces. Luckily, none of them seemed to think anything was amiss. One told me they’d all evaded the cover charge to get into the club. “I love being a girl,” she said, and winked. I nodded as if I felt like we had lots in common, and made my escape.

I should have asked how she evaded the cover, because I actually have no idea. Nightclubs are hardly my native habitat. I only got in free because one of the guys knew a promoter.

As I walked away from the ladies, a guy came up thisclose and murmured in my ear, “You look so innocent.” I glanced at him. He wasn’t with our group. I resisted the urge to tell him to work on his opener.

I finally found one coach charming three girls in a corner. He grabbed my arm. “This is my best friend,” he announced, and proceeded to perform ridiculous poses with me. I laughed on cue, then distracted one of the girls while the coach tried to get his target’s number.

“Look at these cell phone pictures I took of your bestie,” she said.

“Ooh, you should keep that one,” I said excitedly as we scrolled through them. “He’s a great guy,” I added in a confiding tone, then thought, I should probably feel worse about this than I do.

Some time later, I ran into Nathan. “Where have you been all night, Mr. Shady?” I asked.

He shark-grinned. “Why must you call me that? I don’t get it.”

“Yes you do,” I said.

Nathan took my hand and pulled me towards him, then did a single ballroom-dance twirl. We call this the PUA twirl. “I think I’ve got a read on you, sugar,” he said.

“Go for it.”

“You have white-collar professional parents. You grew up in an affluent area. You’re fascinated by subcultures… all subcultures.” He did another PUA twirl and paused, as if he were about to pull a trump card. “This is your way of rebelling,” he said.

I gotta admit, it’s a thought I’ve had before. How does a feminist S&M sex educator take a walk on the wild side? When you look at it that way, my PUA obsession seems inevitable.

“You know,” Nathan said thoughtfully, “in the past two weeks I’ve had two women tell me I’m either a nice guy pretending to be an asshole, or an asshole pretending to be a nice guy. What do you think?”

“I don’t get the nice guy vibe from you at all,” I told him, with perfect sincerity. He laughed.

Later still, Nathan and I stood chatting with two other PUA coaches on a streetcorner. A single streetlamp warmed us. One of the guys was telling us about a girl he really liked. He was truly, madly, deeply about her. He was using words like “love.”

After a while, the lovesick gentleman departed. Nathan and the other coach set to gossiping. “I don’t get it,” said the other coach. “There must be something he’s insecure or confused about.”

“Well, the way he’s behaving doesn’t line up with what he’s saying,” said Nathan. “He keeps saying he wants to travel and pick up girls all the time, but he thinks he’s in love with this girl?”

“Seriously,” said the other coach. “I don’t get it. I’ve seen him pull much hotter girls.”

“She must have incredible game,” said Nathan.

I couldn’t contain myself. “Maybe he meshes with this girl on a personality level,” I protested… then added slowly, “but I guess personality is part of game.” I felt a sudden, strange moment of dizziness. Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, I thought.

“Yes. Personality is game,” Nathan said. He said it gently and patiently, as if speaking to a protégée.

The other coach wouldn’t look at me. Maybe he was disgusted. “What the fuck is a personality?” he asked, but it didn’t sound like a question.

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