(Please note, this page is NSFW and all links are very NSFW!)
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and while everyone else is wandering the mall and combing cyber sales to find that perfect, soulless, mass-manufactured gift, I’ll let you in on a little secret: your sweetie doesn’t want socks or a new Roku. This holiday season, stuff their stocking with a little something extra from my completely NSFW shopping guide for the pervy and otherwise sexually adventurous.
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Let’s start with the basics:
For the love of the tiny baby Jesus in a manger, don’t go all 50 Shades on me. That scarf/tie/novelty blindfold is letting in all sorts of light, and that fake fur liner is itchy. When you’re ready to graduate to the real deal, reach for the Ultra Blindfold from Mr. S Leather. It’s made of soft-yet-sturdy garment leather, padded for light-blocking comfort, and features two adjustable straps to ensure it stays on through all manners of pillow thrashing.
For the bondage curious:
Leave the novelty handcuffs to the amateurs. Go beyond basic black and wrap them up like a pretty present with bondage tape, or this lovely posture collar with matching wrist and ankle cuffs, all in purple leather. Throw in a hog tie strap and you’re good to go!
Want to lock that up?
Order multiple padlocks at once and they’ll come keyed alike. Safety tip: store your padlocks locked with the key in the cylinder, this way you’ll always know you have the key in hand before you start playing.
Rope more your style?
Go beyond the hardware store and invest in some good-looking solid core nylon rope. 5/16” is an all-purpose diameter, and lengths of 12′, 25′, and 50’ will take care of most of your needs. This gunmetal grey rope has classy written all over it—throw in some safety sheers and you’ve got the gift that keeps on giving.
Or maybe you prefer your rope hand finished in small batches by a master artisan?
That’s cool; Twisted Monk has you covered. From basic hemp in six colors (plus a rotating color of the month) to sparkle jute, electroconductive jute, and homespun bamboo and organic raw silk, Monk is the source for your serious rope geekery. And be sure to check out his excellent introductory kits and instructional DVDs and online videos.
Looking for some hardcore gay leather?
Mr. S Leather in San Francisco has been perfecting heavy bondage gear since 1979. And while they cater to gay men, they take wonderful care of customers of all stripes and proclivities. Their website and SF boutique are not for the faint of heart, but are for those who are serious about their BDSM. Say you need a straightjacket sleepsack combo, leather dog hood, or an electro-nutt crushing board? These boys have all of that, and so much more.
Which seems like as good a segue as any to…
Gifts for his ass:
Trust me on this one, if your special someone has a prostate, they want something in their ass. It’s like, math, or something. Start with the right gear: the geniuses at Aneros 
have created a series of prostate stimulators that are hands-free, no batteries required, and come nicely packaged for gift-giving. If he’s new to being penetrated, start small and go for the EuphoSyn. If he’s a bit more tried and true, get him the Progasm Jr. or its big brother, the Progasm Ice (also available in black and red). Make a gift basket out of it by including The Ultimate Guide To Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration For Men And Their Partners by Charlie Glickman, PhD., and Aislinn Emirzian, and don’t forget the lube!
Have you gotten her the right vibrator?
The Magic Wand isn’t a vibrator, it’s the vibrator. It’s the Cadillac of vibrators; it’s the Kwisatz Haderach of vibrators; and hilariously, it’s no longer called the Hitachi Magic Wand because the company got cold feet about having its name associated with such a massively popular sex toy. There are many knock offs out there, but Good Vibes is an authorized distributor of the original version, and if you and your lady friend aren’t incorporating this in the bedroom, you’re missing something. Like her orgasm.
For the environmentally conscious vegan kinkster:
If your sweetie’s proclivities lean toward PETA and the land of BDSM toys feels like a treacherous wasteland of animal hides, check out the leather-free restraints and impact toys from the eco-kinksters at Flogger Meister. In addition to using recycled and repurposed materials, they manufacture with no animal by-products or adhesives.
For the steampunk glamour girl (or guy) in your life:
Tight lacing aficionado Autumn Adamme established Dark Garden Corsetry in 1989, and their custom and couture corsets have adorned red carpet starlets and blushing brides alike. Online orders take up to five weeks to process, so for holiday gift-giving go for a gift card and let them pick out their favorite style and color combination. Off the rack corsets start at $315, while custom work starts at $895.
For the guy who just wants to play video games in a matching bra and panty set:
I know fellas—it’s a pain. You’re all dolled up in your pretty undies and boom, big Jim and the twins go flying out and your bra strap is 
pinching. The problem is traditional women’s underwear just isn’t cut for your anatomy. Enter HommeMystere, an Australian lingerie company that specializes in panties, bras, g-strings, and teddies for men, in styles ranging from demure to diva. Or check out the fine assortment of camisoles and cosplay items from BodyAware, including this adorable Cherry Picking bra/panty/garter set that’s sure to make him merry.
For the poly-adventurous:
I get it, you’re kinky, or slutty, or just erotically adventurous, and you’re ready to invite one or more others to that party. We’re not born knowing how to have successful non-monogamous relationships, so why not give the gift of knowledge with Cunning Minx’s excellent e-book Eight Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up. No really—you need this book.
Or you could always just send a card:
Every year, genderqueer porn performer and all around sex positive super hero Jiz Lee commissions unique, limited edition holiday cards from pervy sexy artists. You can buy cards directly from their site, or receive one as a perk for buying porn or donating to a queer-friendly, sex worker-friendly, kink-friendly, sex-positive organization. Supplies are limited and cards will ship on December 20th, so don’t procrastinate!
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You know what’s the best gift of all? Affirmative consent. Please ask before you act, engage in safe, sane, consensual, and risk aware play, and seek out information and instruction from reputable sources before engaging in BDSM activities.
