(or Seven Things White People Have Really Said to Me Since November 4, 2008)
ACT ONE
Scene: A friend and I, adults, at our favorite restaurant, enjoying dinner and conversation on November 5, 2008. We are both women of color minding our own business.
TWO COMPLETE STRANGERS (white, bedecked in Democratic regalia including vests, buttons, and hats, say in unison): You girls must be so happy today. This is such good news for your people.
ME: I voted for McCain.
FRIEND: I’m not American.
BEDECKED STRANGERS: But still! Great news for you, right?
ACT TWO
Scene: The first few minutes of a technical communication class I am teaching on November 5, 2008. After I’ve greeted the students, a white male student raises his hand.
WHITE MALE STUDENT: Does this mean we’re going to talk about race for the rest of the semester?
Our protagonist flashes back to a conversation she shared with other black friends a few days before the election, in which the participants agreed that it would probably be best to cancel classes/call in sick for work the day after the election, regardless of the outcome. She regrets her choice in foregoing that option.
ME: Yes.
ACT THREE
Scene: A hallway in my department, early December. I am stopped by a white senior faculty member with whom I have exchanged approximately seven words in the past four years.
SENIOR FACULTY MEMBER (with an awkward sassy snap of the neck and an Ebonics accent): You must be so happy, girlfriend.
ME: Generally speaking, I am content.
SENIOR FACULTY MEMBER: No, girl. I mean the election!
ME: I voted for Cynthia McKinney.
SENIOR FACULTY MEMBER: Now that’s my homegirl.
ACT FOUR
Scene: While watching the inauguration live in the student union, a white colleague I’m sitting with turns to me.
COLLEAGUE: Do you know Elizabeth Alexander?
ME: Why do you ask?
COLLEAGUE: You’re both black writers.
ME: That’s true. We do all know each other.
ACT FIVE
Scene: While watching the inauguration live in the student union, another white colleague I’m sitting with turns to me, beaming.
COLLEAGUE (beaming): Our new president is just so articulate.
ME: Why yes, massa. He sho’ ‘nuff is.
ACT SIX
Scene: January 2009, a few days after the inauguration. A grimy auto repair shop. The mechanic and I are engaged in idle, polite chatter while he processes my credit card transaction.
MECHANIC: No offense, but there was just no way I could vote for a colored man even though I hated the other guy. I just can’t see respecting a colored man like that, taking orders from him or nothing like that. Again, no offense.
ME: What year is this?
ACT SEVEN
Scene: Early February 2009. I come home from work to find the lady from my weekly cleaning service tidying my apartment. Her skin is flushed.
ME: How are you today?
CLEANING LADY (smiling): I’m exhausted. I’ve been working like a n*gger all day.
ME: So you’re tired then?
***
Original art by Ilyse Magy.
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21 responses
OH. MY. GOD! I just can’t see people saying stuff like that in Canada.
Favourite line: “Why yes, massa. He sho’ ‘nuff is.”
That was a tea spitter.
This is, like, six hundred kinds of depressing.
I don’t really see #5 as being too offensive. I think your response was over the top and presumptive. After all, in comparison to our last president Obama is extremely articulate.
Trevor,
For a frame of reference, you might want to revisit Chris Rock’s “Bring the Pain,” particularly the section on what white people said about Colin Powell to get what Roxane is talking about.
I have had the conversations in acts 4 & 5 so many times. This made me laugh and shake my head. Wonderful.
oh jesus!
thanks for sharing. will share this w/friends.
I agree that we are not living in a post-racial America.
I also believe that Obama is a refreshingly articulate President.
Fake!
What utter sadness that this could all happen today. Where have these people been? I guess we’re seeing right now with all these viciously racist (“anti-socialist”) demonstrations, that only a little of the past has been bandaged over. Sad, sad. Thanks to Jimmy Carter for at least pointing out what it’s all about.
Awesome, in the most terrifying way possible.
Recounting ignorant bullshit that was said to you and your sardonic responses to said bullshit counts as funny? Was I supposed to laugh in shock that people talk this way even after we’ve been collectively patting ourselves on the back for “repairing” race relations in this country? The watered down satire isn’t beyond me, but again I just don’t understand what about this is original or funny, isn’t the “White people say the darnedest things” angle a bit fucked out already?
Nate,
Dont be an ass. geez
Nate,
It’ll stop being “fucked out” when it stops being relevant and necessary. But thanks for stepping in to tell us all what counts as respectable satire, sir.
Janine,
I agree with you that this is a relevant and necessary topic, and I am not an expert (self proclaimed or otherwise) on the tenets of comedy, but I’m not drawing the logical line from relevant to necessary to funny and I think that’s what the point of this column is, to be funny. That’s not to say that comedy can’t, or shouldn’t, be socially relevant but when the outcome is just to beat that old “white people be stupid” drum then I’m sorry it’s just tired. It might just be me, but I when I read about startling ignorance I’m more inclined to shake my head in embarassment than laugh, even with sarcastic quips from the author.
Why do I continue to be shocked at this kind of nonsense? I do not think the way these people do, I do not talk the way these people do, I do not act the way these people do and yet I still feel completely embarrassed to be white because of idiots like that.
I frequently remark on what a great speaker Obama is and how proud I am that he is our president, not because he is well spoken compared to racist expectations of how a black people speak, but because he is such a huge improvement over our previous president.
I would probably try to avoid the word articulate, because I am aware of the racial overtones, but I might forget in my joy at having someone represent our country so well.
Just saying, there is more than one reason to observe that Obama is articulate, one is racist, the other is….Anti- Bush? Bushist?
Gail,
You should not be embarrassed to be white because of these people – that’s just buying into the same type of stereotyping and racial grouping that you find so abhorrent. Their distinguishing characteristic is stupidity, not whiteness, so since you only share the whiteness and not the stupidity, not to worry.
Also, I agree with a couple people that, no matter what Chris Rock says, I don’t find it racist to express pleasure that our president is articulate, considering the last guy. I bet if Obama was white, the person would have said the exact same thing.
This is really articulate, ha ha.
I know her!
I would have to agree with Nate on this. This is a lot more sad than it is funny. There was absolutely nothing about it that made me laugh.
“Their distinguishing characteristic is stupidity, not whiteness, so since you only share the whiteness and not the stupidity, not to worry.”
Not quite.
Their distinguishing chaacteristic is BEING ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH STUPIDY (evil, bigoted stupidity that actively harms PoC) because they are in a privileged position.
PoC would not “get away with it” if they did it “the other way round” beacuse they are not in a priviledged position.
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