Please only apply if you are a proven insomniac who would not think of getting into an office before noon.
Our boutique investment firm is seeking a top-notch Wisenheimer for our New York headquarters. We are an eight-person office that manages investments for many high-net worth individuals in need of some lightening up.
The person in this role will be responsible for supporting the Founding Partner with all administrative matters as well entertaining our staff with daily silliness ranging from inane excuses for being late to wacky impersonations of our senior partners. This is a great opportunity to join an amazing environment in a very busy and challenging role.
PLEASE NOTE: The hours for this position are from 12 noon-ish to 5:00 pm-ish. Please only apply if you are a proven insomniac who would not think of getting into an office before noon. Proof of sleep deprivation required.
– Providing comedic support to Founding Partner.
– Answering, screening, and fielding calls using a variety of foreign
– Taking detailed messages to embellish the humor of all calls.
– Scheduling conference calls, meetings, and various pranks to be
played out during each.
– Processing paper in creative ways.
– Liaising with building management to scoop for gossip.
– Ordering and purchasing office supplies, kitchen supplies, and luxury
items for your cubicle.
– Some ad-hoc projects such as running errands, getting massages, and
testing various Valium doses.
– Scheduling and coordinating travel arrangements at your leisure.
– Managing your own calendar for both social and business (including
drinks with and without the Founding Partner as well as any open mics
you may need to attend).
– Collecting and preparing materials for internal and external
meetings including any funny jokes you find in blogs, on social
networking sites, or overheard in the ladies lounge.
– 10-15 years of prior laziness in a corporate environment.
– Minor knowledge of Microsoft Office.
– High degree of sarcasm in both written and verbal communication.
– Thick curly hair that can be difficult to manage.
– Strong sense of entitlement from years of working at unfulfilling jobs.
– Outstanding table manners.
– Ability to multi-task, prioritize, and consume expensive caffeinated beverages.
SALARY: 150K DOE + benefits + bonus