Chats with Random Men #13: Kleber Returns

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Singer Alina Simone chats with random men on her Facebook page — here she welcomes back an old “friend” in this midnight chat with Kleber:

11:39pm Kleber
hey quick queztion

11:39pm Alina
listening

11:39pm Kleber
i’m afraid to talk to people

11:39pm Alina
You still haven’t fixed your “s” key

11:40pm Kleber
social phobia

11:40pm Alina
Ok. Go on.
Keep in mind I’m just a random stranger on Facebook.

11:40pm Kleber
what’s your advice for me
talking to people in facebook is easy
but in real life i feel afraid

11:41pm Alina
You have a pregnant girlfriend. You weren’t afraid to talk to her! And you didn’t get her pregnant through Facebook!

11:42pm Kleber
i lied
sorry i’m really sorry

11:42pm Alina
WHAT?!?!?!?!

11:42pm Kleber
that’z my problem

11:42pm Alina
But why…?

11:43pm Kleber
i just wanted to feel, i don’t kno

11:43pm Alina
Aww, Klebes.

11:43pm Kleber
i’d love to have a kid one day

11:43pm Alina
Sure.

11:44pm Kleber
so what’s your advice for me
how can i become more zocial

11:45pm Alina
That depends on a lot of things. Why don’t you find some people who love the same things you do? That way you already have something mutual to talk about.
Like start a band.

11:46pm Kleber
i have a lot of friendz that love muzic the zame az me
i’m on a band but ztill i’m afraid to talk
specially to girlz , and find a future mother of my kid

11:53pm Alina
That’s pretty complicated… I know! You could start off chatting with people on FB, then see if they want to hang out in real life. Even girls!

11:54pm Kleber
another thing

11:55pm Alina
Yes

11:56pm Kleber
what zhould i do if i zee every morning a girl that tried to make my girl once but zhe zaid , no, and now i’m zeeing her everyday in the morning a the train ztation when i’m going to work, and the only thing i zay to her iz hi and zhe zayz hi too and it’z done

11:59pm Alina
Gee Klebes. I don’t think there’s anything you can do about that. Unless you switch subway stations… That’s a sad little story though.

12:00am Kleber
can’t the only train that take me to my job, no problem

12:01pm Alina
You could walk to a really far, weird corner of the platform and read a book there facing the wall?
Not sure that would really make everything better though…

12:01am Kleber
thank you, if you want i can put a bag in my face too.
did you know that Adolf hitler had a wife 23 yearz old younger than him

12:05pm Alina
Yes. They got married a few hours before they both committed suicide. I don’t think either of them would be a good role model for you.

12:07am Kleber
Hitler iz my idol, not becauze of hiz ideology but hiz power of conmunication and to hypnotize people with hiz wordz

12:08pm Alina
Um. Yeah. Obama is pretty good at those things too. May I suggest him as a substitute?

12:09am Kleber
not Hitler iz the only one, but yeah Obama got that too

12:09pm Alina
Are you messing with my head, Klebes? First the fake pregnant girlfriend, now Hitler and Eva Braun?

12:10am Kleber
itz juzt the way it iz, i’m good lair
ho liez more men or women

12:12pm Alina
You lost me there with your creative typing…


Alina Simone is a Brooklyn-based singer. She is currently at work on a book of essays about Russia, family and the tragic-comic struggle to make it in indie rock for Farrar, Straus & Giroux. More from this author →