★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing turtle doves.
Turtle doves are really hard to find last minute during Christmas time. I called every pet store and veterinarian I could find in the phone book and no one had any. I tried putting out a turtle dove trap (they’re easy to make with a box, some string, and a photo of a female turtle dove), but they proved too elusive.
The closest I could come was turtle, so I settled for that. I taped some feathers onto its shell to make it appear more bird-like but it still wasn’t very convincing. So I took my photo of a turtle dove and made a little paper costumes for the turtle to wear. At that point it didn’t even make sense to use a turtle, so I set it free and caught myself some pigeons. Those things look a lot like turtle doves except with disturbing growths and aggressive personalities.
With a few minor adjustments I was able to make the pigeons look more like turtle doves. Then I didn’t know what to do with them. Turtle doves are somehow related to Christmas, so maybe if I had real ones their purpose would have been more clear.
If anyone knew what to do with turtle doves, I figured it would be the lady in my neighborhood who had been wearing a Santa cap paired with a rotating display of snowman sweaters all month. It turns out she’s not quite the authority on Christmas that she appeared to be. She didn’t know anything about turtle doves. She knew so little, in fact, that she thought my impostor pigeons were the real deal. I don’t know if that’s because turtle doves are too rare to recognize, the woman is naive, or my animal manipulation skills are that good.
My next stop was the Turtle Dove Museum. Unfortunately, such a museum doesn’t exist, but it took me several hours of walking around town and asking for directions before I figured that out. I was pretty sure I’d seen a turtle dove museum but I guess it was just wishful thinking.
Out of ideas, I dialed 1-800-TRTL-DVS. What a useless phone number that turned out to be.
Despite my hours of research I was still unable to learn even the most basic information about turtle doves. They remain as enigmatic and mysterious as Bigfoot.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing pizza.