The new volume, known as DSM-V and scheduled for publication in 2013, has become a focus of controversy. Psychiatrists who led previous revisions of the manual are among those who have criticised its proposals. In particular, they have warned that some of the changes under consideration could cause millions more people to be given potentially risky psychoactive drugs.

—New Scientist, February 10, 2010

***

During an appointment with her psychiatrist, the psychiatrist asks Ms. Smith questions based on criteria in his revised copy of the DSM-V.

Doctor asks: “Has your interest in sex been reduced or absent in the past 6 months?”
Smith answers: “In the past six months I’d say so, yes.”

Smith thinks: Work is crazy, the gears on my bike are busted, and I bet my friend that I can finish Infinite Jest this year. Sex is great, but nothing turns me on like sleep.

***

***

Ms. Smith’s diagnosis is confirmed: Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder.

She displays a lack of sexual interest/arousal of at least 6 months duration and meets at least 4 of the criteria:

Smith thinks: Is there a pill for that?

***
Please submit your own funny writing to funnywomen AT therumpus dot net. See first: Funny Women Submission Guidelines.

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Damien Hirst’s new exhibition in London shows paintings made by his own hand. This is a radical departure for an artist who has used production studios to create much of his previous work. Shown in a gallery along side the great masters – Titian, Van Dyck and Rembrandt – do his paintings stack up?

Hirst is a conceptual artist associated with the “Young British Artists,” a group who came to prominence in Britain during the 1990s. Though no longer young, Hirst is rumored to be the richest working artist in the world and renowned for his headline-grabbing tactics and money-grabbing schemes.

Whether it’s a mysterious consortium buying his diamond-encrusted skull or a fight with a teenager over stolen pencils, his art comes with a lot of noise. At his shows, it can be hard to focus on the art as the provocations threaten to take center stage, like a toddler is screaming in the background.

The new show, “No Love Lost, Blue Paintings,” is in a quiet, grand mansion called Hertford House. Tucked behind Oxford Street in a leafy square, the gallery is draped in silk wallpaper and gilded cornices. It is an unusual choice for an artist who often shows in stripped spaces with white walls and concrete floors. The exhibit features twenty-five new works painted himself, another significant break that comes after the closure of some of his production studios.

Damien Hirst, Skull with Ashtray and Lemon, 2006/2007 1020 x 764 mm, oil on canvas. Photography by Prudence Cuming Associates Ltd © Damien Hirst. All rights reserved, DACS 2009. Courtesy Damien Hirst and The Wallace Collection

Hirst chose to show in this gallery, which houses the Wallace Collection and includes many famous pieces, as “my new works somehow feel like they belong here.” With a reputation like his, this is equivalent to pulling down your pants and waving your bare bum around. Chances are it will get smacked.

And smacked it has. The exhibition has been deemed, “not worth looking at,” “a stupefying admission of defeat,” and “deadly dull” by the British press. If a strong reaction is what Hirst was after, the show is a success. Could the paintings be that bad, or is the press reacting to his tactics? Earplugs in hand, I went to see for myself.

The Blue Paintings are striking as a group in the ornamental rooms. Hirst’s polka dots stretch forward on the canvas. A lemon is round and ripe enough to pluck. Thick blue paint is stacked in deep, bold strikes. There is a way to get inside these paintings, like Hirst might be inviting the viewer to engage in something closer to a conversation. But something wasn’t quite right.

At the end of his exhibit, I came across a guide called, “Damien Hirst’s Wallace Collection Trail,” containing short, chatty write-ups on twenty-six works in the permanent collection that have “ignited” his imagination. For the next hour, with Hirst as my guide, I followed the trail.

On Rembrandt’s “Titus, the Artist’s Son,” Hirst talks about being a father and wanting to make a sculpture that captures a similar feeling of beauty and vulnerability, but that he only has a title so far, “devoured by a desire to walk in front of you with a duvet till you die.”

Hirst with two paintings (Damien07.jpg) Photography by Billie Scheepers c. Damien Hirst. All rights reserved, DACS 2009

Picking out an early 16th century rosary bead, he expresses wonder at such a big image on a small scale, “you don’t need gold, silver or diamonds,” to make something desirable. A German Close Helmet is selected as one of the strangest in the collection, because, “it looks more like a sad turkey…a bonkers last thing to see just before your head is smashed in.”

Of “Flowers on a Fountain with a Peacock,” by Jan Weenix, he discusses the various meanings that could be ascribed to the symbols, “none of these interpretations are wrong–they are all correct,” a 16th century plate, “I’d definitely buy it at a car boot sale,” and a sculpture that captures the essence of a hermaphrodite, “we didn’t get taught about this at school.”

This was the overarching message in Hirst’s guide: Bring your own life and experience to the classics. Don’t listen to all the noise around these works. React to them and enjoy them. This was refreshing, especially for an art lover who can spend more energy  straining to remember art history than on enjoying the work. For that hour, I focused on what I know and felt. Hirst made The Wallace Collection great fun.

And perhaps fun is what the Blue Paintings are missing. The work feels dour, serious and staid, which doesn’t play to the artist’s strengths. His previous output, including pickled sheep and diamond-encrusted skulls, contains a defiance of death that brims with humor and borders on the absurd. It’s hard to know if you should laugh or cry in response–contradiction is captivating.

In the exhibition, the humor missing from the canvas was found in Hirst’s guide. But it was an odd message to receive from him: react to the art on its own terms. I tried to do this when looking at the Blue Paintings, but how can I with all the noise?
___

“No Love Lost, Blue Paintings by Damien Hirst” is at The Wallace Collection until January 24th, 2009

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“I really had nothing left in my life when I came to trucking, just the clothes on my back.”

When my last novel was published I did a book tour in truck stops. Publicity stunt aside, it gave me the chance to hang out with truckers.

I heard a few incredible stories, like how it feels to drive the ice roads of the Beaufort Sea and the difficultly of navigating a mountain pass in 80 mph winds. But much of what has have stuck my mind involves the details of a trucking life, doing laundry, eating Poutine, finding the best driving shoes and staying sane.

Desiree is a trucker who tweets her way across the country. During my book tour, I never ran into a woman trucker, so I decided to ask Desiree a few questions about her life on the road:

The Rumpus: Why did you decide to become a trucker?

Desiree: I wanted to be alone and work and go somewhere.

Rumpus: What do you think about when you are driving?

Desiree: I think about too much. I think about why people are so mean to each other and so judgmental of each other. I think of the scenery and what was like to ride a horse over the land before highways. What the terrain looked like in its natural state.

Rumpus: Do you miss anyone?

Desiree: I miss getting a hug from my ex and other stuff, but not enough to be in that situation again anytime soon.

Rumpus: What is the most important thing that you bring along?

Desiree: My determination. I really had nothing left in my life when I came to trucking, just the clothes on my back.

Rumpus: Do you ever wish you could pee in a bottle?

Desiree: That’s Funny! I actually did not know truckers did that or anyone else for that matter before I went to CDL [trucking] School. I find a Super Big Gulp cup works fine and I pour it in the grass.

Rumpus: What is on your stereo?

Desiree: Most of the time I drive in silence lost in the scenery and my thoughts.

I have to snap myself out of it at times and I listen to NPR or CDs of Eagles, U2, George Harrison, Elton John, Offspring and Sex Pistols. YEAH!

Rumpus: Have you decorated your cab?

Desiree: My cab is sort of decorated in a groovy hippie den motif with a cozy brown faux fur brown comforter and red chenille body pillow accenting the red and brown shag area rug.

Rumpus: Where do you sleep?

Desiree: I sleep in my truck on one of the two bunks I have. I bought a memory foam mattress so it’s pretty comfy with my ‘pillow husband’—he doesn’t mind if I eat crackers in bed.

Rumpus: How do you shower?

Desiree: I shower at the truck stops that give me a free shower for fueling at their location. Sometimes there isn’t such a location near me so I have to pay between $5-10 to take one. I try for every other day but sometimes I am scheduled so tight I have had to go up to 5 days without one. ICK!

Rumpus: Does your back get sore?

Desiree: Yes, my back, neck, knees and shifting arm. Part of the reason I still do my nails and feet is to sit in the Shiatsu massaging chairs.

Rumpus: What shoes or boots do you wear?

Desiree: I am required to wear covered shoes, but I am flip-flop-preferably-barefoot kind of gal. My girlfriend just got pulled into a weigh station last month, though, and the officer checked to see if she had her shoes on. Drats! I have covered leather sandals now, but in winter I wear steel toe work boots.

Rumpus: What is the best part of being on the road?

Desiree: The best part is working alone and seeing what goes on behind the scenes to make peoples lives easier. They [most people] really fail to appreciate it at all.

Rumpus: What is the scariest thing that has happened?

Desiree: I had someone get my door open one night, but I had the seatbelts strapping [the doors] down so they left. Also, another time my new dog warned someone off who was persistent. I thought if this person really wants to get me he will shoot the dog and come through the glass. I was so tired that night I just went to sleep and thought if God wanted me that night he would take me. I don’t dwell on that sort of stuff.

Rumpus: What is the hardest part of your job?

Desiree: Waiting for the dog to crap in inclement weather. Finding a safe place to park this huge thing where I won’t be harassed by people who do not fathom truckers risk their lives to deliver their toilet paper and every single thing they touch during the day (except themselves of course. )

Rumpus: Do you ever wish you were stronger?

Desiree: I’m pretty strong physically. I used to lift weights and work with a trainer. I don’t see this job requiring brute strength, but a bit of leverage from time to time and resourcefulness. Strength of mind? Only to not think so much I suppose, my dog helps me to remember to be less serious.

Rumpus: Do you ever think you’ve got an advantage?

Desiree: Yes, I have an advantage because I get a lot of pleasure from very simple things in life. The isolated nature of this job can be extremely detrimental to someone who is not comfortable being isolated. I am also a good map-reader and lots of new truckers don’t have a good sense of direction at first. It sucks to get lost in a vehicle this big and not be able to navigate your way safely to your proper route.

Rumpus: Where is your favorite stretch of road?

Desiree: I love New Mexico, but I don’t get to go west of Texas very often. My imagination goes wild with historical images when I pass the big rivers, colonial areas and see beautiful bridges. I love passing through small main street towns and love it when the kids see me and want me to pull my horn. Sometimes they start jumping up and down when they see I’m a girl.

***

About Trucker Desiree:

Born and raised in California, Desiree drives the highways of America, blogging and tweeting (@TruckerDesiree) from the road.

She has written extensively about her time as a student trucker and has become a prominent voice for reform in the industry.

She is also an advocate of Jason’s Law, legislation that is seeking to address the ongoing and escalating problems with truck driver safety and security.

***

All pictures from Trucker Desiree’s twitpic account.

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When Bernard Madoff described his investment business as a ‘giant Ponzi scheme’, he gave a somewhat obscure phrase, used to describe a swindle that pays early investors using money from later investors, a huge boost. That day in December, the word Ponzi leapt into the public conscience and seemed to become contagious.

For a while everyone was using the word. Ponzi, Ponzi, Ponzi, it bounced around sounding like a slightly deflated ball. I couldn’t surf the web, read a newspaper, or have a conversation on the street corner without someone saying Ponzi. And since Madoff’s confession, many more Ponzi schemes have been laid bare by the bad economy. The billionaire Allen Sanford, Madoff’s neighbor Donald Young and a Tennessee financial adviser and are among the many that have been accused of running Ponzi schemes. But when the economy recovers and the accusations dry up, what will become of the word Ponzi? Will it continue to thrive?

In search of answers, I look to Richard Dawkins. In his seminal work, The Selfish Gene, Dawkins coined the term ‘meme’ (rhymes with cream) to convey cultural ideas that transmit between people. A meme can evolve in a process much like natural selection. Ideas, like genes, replicate when moving from one mind to another. For example, if I hear a new phrase, I might write it in an email to a friend. The email could be forwarded to a group and the phrase passed around Twitter, only to spread further and, depending on its strength and usefulness, change and proliferate.

Aaron Lynch built upon Dawkins’ theory by suggesting that a meme can elicit behavior from its human host that will help to spread the idea. A flu that makes me sneeze, for example, will spread to you more easily than a flu that does not cause spray. This leads me to wonder if we can test phrases or words with meme theory to judge the likelihood of their continued use. What might make the word Ponzi proliferate?

According to Dawkins, there are three conditions that are necessary for evolution to occur 1) variation, or the introduction of new change 2) heredity or replication, or the capacity to create copies 3) fitness, or the opportunity to be more or less suited to the environment.

As the word Ponzi has not been in the public conscience for very long, it makes sense to test the conditions for evolution on an established example. On August 31, 1997, the day Princess Diana died, a word was thrust into our lives with a comparable force: Paparazzi.

1. Variation, or the introduction of new change.

Paparazzi is an eponym, a name derived from a person, from the character named Paparazzo, a news photographer, in the 1960 film La Dolce Vita directed by Federico Fellini. The word came to be commonly used in the plural, paparazzi, as freelance photographers searching for sensational stories often travel in clusters. A single photographer may now be called a ‘pap’ for short, while the act of having your photograph taken by such a person is called ‘getting papped.’

2. Heredity or replication, or the capacity to create copies.

Paparazzi, which sounds like a sneeze when shouted, spread as it became a convenient response in the absence of a definitive answer. Who was responsible for Diana’s death? Paparazzi. How could this happen to someone so full of life? Paparazzi. How did we come to this? Paparazzi.

3. Fitness, or the opportunity to be more or less suited to the environment.

Diana’s death was a defining moment in our relationship with celebrity. As the shock wore off, it became apparent that Diana had sometimes courted the attention of the media. Instead of a simple parasite and host relationship between the celebrities and the press, a more complex, symbiotic relationship came to light. Add in the growth of interest in celebrity since 1997, fuelled by magazines, websites and blogs, and we see how the word has prospered.

What happens if we apply the same test to the word Ponzi?

1. Variation, or the introduction of new change.

Ponzi is an eponym, a name derived from a person, coined in honor of Charles Ponzi who promised clients a huge return from postal coupons. The phrase, Ponzi scheme, is already frequently shortened to Ponzi and sometimes used to describe Hedge Funds. Ponzimonium describes the large numbers of Ponzi schemes uncovered during the financial crisis of 2008-2009.

2. Heredity or replication, or the capacity to create copies.

Ponzi, which sounds like a cough when shouted, is a word that has become a convenient response in the absence of a definitive answer. Who took all my money? Ponzi. How could this happen to me? Ponzi. How did we come to this? Ponzi.

3. Fitness, or the opportunity to be more or less suited to the environment.

The uncovering of Madoff’s investment fraud was a defining moment in the financial crisis. As the shock wears off, it becomes apparent that the seized credit markets make many leveraged businesses look like Ponzi schemes. Perhaps the definition will become broader? What if a bank’s investments sour and it needs to solicit new deposits to cover old promises? Does the social security system need more young workers to pay for the old? Add in the government efforts to spend and borrow our way out of the financial crisis and what seems like our collective conviction that buying and selling each other houses will make us all rich—what do you get? Ponzi.

Yes, I’d say the future for the word Ponzi looks pretty healthy.

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