Submission Guidelines
by Jane Roper

Dear Writer:

Thank you for your interest in our publication. …more

Dear Professor Julie Abraham,

It’s midnight, and I have to tell you about The Death of the Heart, and how Elizabeth Bowen is clever, and tragic, all at the same time. You’ll notice this isn’t the reflection paper you assigned re: the queer interpretation of Virgina Woolf’s texts (due today) and is instead a letter to you about me. …more

“Then you’ve got Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg. He was handsome too and his eye patch debonair. He was in the German Army High Command, fought under Rommel and did lots of brave things.” …more

The best part of editing the Funny Women column is developing e-mail relationships with various women. (Did I say various? I meant you. Only you.)

Sabrina Veroczi of Booby Hatch* is my new jam. Booby Hatch is an all-female sketch comedy group that recently performed their 3-woman, 1-man show, “Cone of Silence,” at the Upright Citizen Brigade’s Theatre in NYC. …more

First, abandon everyone you know and love. Say goodbye to friends, lovers, would-be lovers, American cheese, and sanity. You don’t need these things in San Francisco. You need isolation. You need Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. You need Saturday nights writing in your blog. This is the required pain and suffering. This is only for starters.

You come to San Francisco to be a writer, just like everyone else. …more

Some people say men aren’t funny. In her memoir I Don’t Care About Your Band, comedienne Julie Klausner says it a few times: (1) “I was tired of pretending I thought he was funny”; (2) “I knew I was funnier and smarter than [insert man's name here].”

Here are a few things to know about Julie Klausner that will help you get the most out of this interview: …more

ACT ONE

Scene: DEREK*, is in his early thirties with a military haircut, moderately toned flab, and tinted eyeglasses. He grabs the 50-pound barbells from the weight room rack and groans awkwardly …more

Kathleen Alcott: Where is the Internet?

Jeeves: Hi, Kathleen. Thanks for writing. Perhaps I’ll answer your question with a question of my own: Where the hell have you been? …more

77%* of Americans say they believe in angels.

That doesn’t mean we like them.

Sure, they were cute–at first. Maybe you thought you’d never get tired of those sweet rosy faces and chubby behinds. But now… …more

If you enjoy The Rumpus Funny Women column, follow it on Twitter.

It happens in all our lives. We put down our golf clubs to peruse the mail that the butler has brought on a silver tray, when we discover an invitation to a beheading. Naturally, our minds turn to deeper thoughts: how should we behave, who should we bring, and what should we wear? As I’ve oft said before: successful attendance at any assembly depends on deft preparation. This is especially true of a public execution. …more

Season’s Greetings everyone!

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To start a revolution, we need more than just a column.

Occasionally we’d like to link to particularly hysterical funny women all over the Internet.

Edith Zimmerman at The Awl makes me laugh. Below is an excerpt from her column, Letters to the Editors of Women’s Magazines, with Edith Zimmerman:

“As a teenager I always wore baggy clothes—I was considered a tomboy. Once I started reading InStyle, I was finally able to put together my current classy look. Not only do you show great fashion and beauty ideas, but you tell the reader how to get them for herself. That’s why I love this magazine.
Garima S., via instyle.com (InStyle, November 2009)

As a teenager I used to put a toilet paper roll in my underwear and tell people I had a dick. I don’t do it as much anymore, but sometimes I still do it.
Charlotte T., Kansas City”

Read all the letters.

**

Send your links and submissions to funnywomen AT therumpus.net.

Dear Future Dads,

So, you’re expecting a baby (by “expecting” I mean “dreading,” and by “a baby,” I mean “the consequences of using that glow-in-the-dark condom from 1989”)! That’s wonderful! …more

Dear Johnny Depp,

How are you? I am fine.

I recently purchased the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Remote Control Mini Battle Pirate Ships – Chinese Junk and Rockin’ Black Pearl plus Jack Sparrow and Sao Feng Mini Figures. …more

“On a more serious note, I don’t think women have enough space for expression. Some people like to believe women don’t poop. This is absurd. I poop an insane amount. I just pooped, in fact. Hear that men of the world? I poop. Get over it.”

The Rumpus’s own Elissa Bassist, editor of the Funny Women column, interviewed by PANK Magazine here. We’re so proud.

God, he was smart! He had a mind like a hummingbird, he had read every book there was to read, his tongue was sharp, he was funnier than anyone else at the party. …more

Please only apply if you are a proven insomniac who would not think of getting into an office before noon. …more

Me
I verb you.

Him
I similarly feel for you in this way, but I’ll never say the word verb in front of you or even behind your back to my friends. I have feelings only sometimes, and only when I feel like it. …more

My husband enjoys scuba diving. Prior to meeting my present spouse, I had never entertained the notion of going diving, as it combines three things I generally try to avoid: doing equations, wearing a rubber bodysuit, and drowning. …more

A: First of all, you can put away your old-school notions about the liberal arts. Back when you grew up, Plato banished poets from his Republic. These days, there is no poet leper colony.

…more

(or Seven Things White People Have Really Said to Me Since November 4, 2008)

…more

Dear writers and readers,

Finally! The inaugural post for the new Rumpus column Funny Women can be read here.

This is just the beginning. You, the writers and readers, will be generating the content each week.

I’ll keep the Funny Women Submission Guidelines updated to reflect why I’m choosing the pieces I’m choosing. Of course, every one of you is special and unique and funny, but …more

The other day while sounding out the words on a Web site called The Rumpus, I saw this article asking for women to submit more comedy pieces. So I put down my giant chocolate bar, stopped crying, and thought, yes, that is what I will do. …more

Dear Writers,

So, you’ve decided you’re a woman and would like to submit something funny to Funny Women, the new Rumpus column that will alter the landscape of comedy, enhance cup size, and make you a better lover. Excellent. Out of all the decisions in the world, this is the best one you can make.

See below for submission guidelines.

…more

I have been thinking a lot about funny women.

I’m going to tell you what’s good before I tell you what’s very, very bad. …more

“Why are men, taken on average and as a whole, funnier than women?” inquired Christopher Hitchens in “Why Women Aren’t Funny,” Vanity Fair, January 2007.

That’s a good question. And by that I mean, fuck you. …more