FUNNY WOMEN #78: Ambivalent Affirmations
Hey ladyfriend, are you going through a breakup? Is your job really hard right now? Is your life nothing more than all-consuming darkness and regret? …more
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Hey ladyfriend, are you going through a breakup? Is your job really hard right now? Is your life nothing more than all-consuming darkness and regret? …more
Following the trend of female lawmakers submitting bills to regulate men’s health, we decided to do the same. We are three straight, gay, single, married, white, Cuban, non-practicing Jewish women, which we think pretty much qualifies us to legislate what all men do with their bodies. …more
You! Rebecca Victoria O’Neal! I’ve just seen you trip on the sidewalk, confirming a long-held suspicion that you are a Bad Person with Whom I’d Never Hang Out. …more

“We’re secretaries fully versed in Derrida, receptionists who have read Proust in French. This is a land of girls. There are always at least ten of ‘us’ for every one of ‘him.’” –Meghan Daum, “Publishing and Other Near-Death Experiences”
Fuck yeah, Meghan Daum.
I learned about the old boys’ club when I took women’s studies classes in college. These were the places to which men would gravitate, clandestinely (to me, from me), to be men, to do men-like things, such as smoke cigars, play on the back nine, continue the gender polarity, etc.
Then I worked in publishing and saw the boys’ club up close and was so indignant about what I called “The Circle Jerk” and was so hurt to be excluded from it…and all that indignation and hurt got me about as far as nowhere. …more
To the left is a copy of Benjamin Franklin’s daily schedule, as found in a book. Below is what I imagine Mrs. Franklin’s daily schedule looked like. …more
When you send me an email, don’t think I don’t know what you’re really saying. …more
Recently, I started taking improv classes at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York (founded by the high priestess of funny, Amy Poehler). During each class exercise, I’d think, “This would help my writing.” I compiled a list of writing lessons I learned from Improv 101: …more
When I tend to think about myself, I tend to think that I am okay. My hair is fairly soft, and I have very tiny hands. I don’t necessarily imagine men fantasize about me, but maybe they fantasize about me in certain situations. …more
My boyfriend recently informed me that I might be approaching this “sexting” trend wrong. I’m not sure if I agree. See what you think: …more
Okay, ladies, you’ve read our tips on pleasing your man in the bedroom, but over the years many of our faithful readers have written in with the same concern: …more
Dear Lifetime Channel,
I’m delighted to see Lifetime breaking new ground in source material for feature films, tapping directly into the zeitgeist and speaking straight to the next generation of viewers, in the 140-character terms they understand best. …more
Because in real life, sex can be boring…
David Cronenberg’s recent thriller A Dangerous Method is about Carl Jung’s steamy and exuberantly fanciful affair with his very young patient, Sabina Spielrein.
Here is a recipe to match:
Ever wondered what your day would look like if you lived in the Top 40? Wonder no longer. (Bonus points if you can sing parts of it. Our sympathy if you can sing all of it.): …more
As the only girl in a family of five boys, Sarah Thompson always felt left out.
“It was like, because I didn’t have a penis, I wasn’t allowed to pee standing up,” she recalls, shaking her head. Matters weren’t helped by the fact that Sarah was more of the quiet, literary type, while the boys were made of noise and brawn. …more
How often have you read application guidelines such as: “Artists working in their home countries, women, emerging writers, and people of color are encouraged to apply”? Have you felt flattered by the special invitation? …more
A special Funny Women daily calendar: …more
I go to the League For Undocumented Students. I have an appointment to see one of their counselors. …more
Even though I’m Jewish, I never went to summer camp. …more
Craigslist is unfiltered potential. It’s criteria gone crazy. In a single day, you can get ripped off, score free kittens, …more
A day in the life of a woman whose life is exactly how all TV ads think it is:
The first thing I do when I wake up is dance-twirl to the kitchen and pour myself a bowl of Special K. …more
The infamous “She” of the “That’s What She Said” jokes has released a new tell-all book making shocking claims about the joke’s validity. …more
Now more than ever, NPR could use your help. Facing federal cutbacks, we rely on our listeners to donate, and we’re pleased to offer some great premiums in return for your generosity. …more
I have so many friends. So many!
379, to be exact, although the number keeps fluctuating up and down by 1. Someone, or more than one someones, must be defriending me and then refriending me every few days. …more
They hated the ending. I knew they would. They always hate the ending. “They” means my university students. “The ending” means the last chapters of Thomas Hardy’s novel Far From the Madding Crowd (1874). …more
At Backdoor Review, we receive tens of thousands of submissions. We’ve collected a few cover letters and reprinted them now (without permission) with manuscript comments from our editors in italics. …more
To Whom It May Concern Regarding the Freelance Writer Position for eHarlequin.com:
Hello. I noticed you hadn’t gotten back to me regarding the freelance writer position, but I am writing to assure you that I am still very interested in writing back cover copy for eHarlequin.com. …more
“As the computing power of cell phones increases, more and more sophisticated mobile apps are being developed for the mental health field. They’re seen as a way to bridge periodic therapy sessions — a sort of 24-7 mobile therapist that can help with everything from quitting smoking to treating anxiety to detecting relapses in psychotic disorders.” – NPR
Here are a few we anticipate: …more
Dad,
Thanks so much for your most recent email! It’s been awhile since we’ve last spoken (no hard feelings, it was White Sox season, I know), so I can hardly express how great it was to see your name in my inbox, especially once I saw the subject line. …more