The President of the United States looked into the sole of another foreigner- twice- as a pair of shoes was flung at him during a Baghdad press conference on a surprise visit to Iraq. And though a lame duck, he proved to be one hell of a ducker. Some might say “the mother of all duckers.” The biggest shock may be how well he went to his left. And thank god it WAS a surprise visit or the assailant might have had time to assemble an arsenal more potent than his size 10s. Any half way decent computerized re-enactment would surely show size 13 Timberlands clipping their intended target.
An international outcry has arisen over the actions of Muntadhar al Zaidi the irate Iraqi TV reporter slash shoe- flinger. Not because of his “if the shoe flies, hurl it” philosophy, but because his aim was so ducking bad. And he stopped after two shoes. That’s right. For the first time in what may be recorded history, a person is the recipient of worldwide scorn for not being a centipede. A female centipede. Because then chances increase tenfold he would have had a matching handbag or fifteen to lob as well.
Another remarkable aspect of this bizarre incident is the response of the Secret Service, which was slower than a mail- in- rebate check from a Bulgarian internet provider. Is that the normal practice during a transition? To guard the outgoing President by throwing the ‘B’ team in there? Obviously they have to train the new guys some how, but you’d think they could bone up on a Deputy Secretary of the Interior or something.. Maybe the ever ducking VP. However, closing ranks is one thing our intelligence community does know how to do, so don’t be surprised to hear the CIA back up the Secret Service by confiscating all video footage and floating a single shoe theory.
The best way to honor George W Bush might be to adopt his free market attitude and think of this as a shopportunity. To help get this country back on its feet again by encouraging future footwear tossers to support our domestic shoe industry and buy and heave American. I can see the newest Nike Ad: Al Zaidi winds up. He begins to throw. Freeze frame. Zoom in on a photo- shopped Swoosh on the side. Lower sixth simple Helvetica: “Just Do It..”
And doubt not there will be future footwear tossers. At every public function, every so called speaking engagement, every shopping mall opening; sandals and sneakers and boots and broughams and pumps and wing tips and stilettos and slippers and especially loafers will rain down on the 43rd President of the United States like taunts upon the Yankees right fielder from the bleachers of Fenway. A pelting that should be sufficient to discourage him from visiting the Netherlands for pretty much ever.
You won’t even have to actually propel anything to knock him off stride. It’ll be enough to disrupt any security detail to swiftly bend down and take off one shoe, quickly rise with it, then leisurely remove a stone or pick some gum off the tongue or restring the laces. Of course, if certain liberal factions get their way, this will just be the first in a long line of items being chucked at the W, in the hopes that eventually somebody throws the book at him and it sticks.