Hi. I’m Mainstream K.
It has come to my attention that my favorite new magazine, the Rumpus, has a healthy paranoia of the Mainstream. (Because Steve treats it like a country to be invaded, I am capitalizing the term.) As in, Mainstream movies, TV shows, books, and gossip. At first, I respected this editorial choice. Intellectual snobbery should not be corralled only within the steamed over doors of Ritual Coffee Roasters and KGB bar! But after awhile, this deliberate eschewing of all things Britney concerned me.
Rumpus, despite what your mother told you, ignoring Lauren Conrad will not make her go away. In fact, not paying attention to her is like throwing away your parking tickets, because while you are pretending she is dead, her cultural value is ballooning, and suddenly she is publishing books and writing movies and underhandedly ruling your country. OK, maybe that metaphor didn’t play out completely, but what I am saying is, ignoring the Mainstream is short-sighted. Better to pull a Palin and keep an eye on those Reds from your living room.
Luckily, Steve thought this too. Actually, he thought all this before me, because his job is to think about these things. It must be admitted that at the outset that I was not his first choice as Mainstream reporter. By many counts, I am not an obvious Rumpus contributor. I get spacey when people talk politics, I don’t write much about sex, and my book reviews consist of emoticons.
Atmospheric Disturbances by Rivka Galchen: {; -/
But I have an office next to Steve, and after several morning conversations along the lines of…
K: Can you believe Dan cheated on Serena with Georgina on Gossip Girl last night?
Steve: What?
Steve: Did you see that amazing Rumpus piece on Robert Haas today?
K: Who?
…it became clear that we could offer each other a symbiotic relationship. I will report on the Mainstream for the Rumpus. In return, the Rumpus will attempt to widen my cultural horizons beyond bubble gum. Also, I will get a black tee-shirt with the Rumpus logo printed too small across the chest.
(Sorry, Steve. Mainstream opinion is that the tee-shirt people fucked up.)
So, the upshot: you will no longer have to worry that you are missing out on the cultural significance of Hannah Montana. I will watch her show (heinous), find out if she’s hot (totally) and report back as to whether nor not she is a national threat (yes). I’m doing it for you, Rumpus readers. And what’s more, I’m doing it for America.
Yours from Starbucks,
Mainstream K.
