Dear Sugar,
I’m an attractive woman in my mid-thirties. I’ve been single for over five years, and, while I don’t feel it’s all that helpful to find places to lay the blame, I can’t help but wonder, might I have a character defect? Am I too picky or will my patience pay off? Is this a completely commonplace boring experience not worth complaining about? Should I give up on ever finding romantic love?
Thanks,
Only the Lonely
Dear OTL,
You are suffering from what some asswipe Cosmo sociologist will eventually dub “the crisis of feminist actualization.” The condition now afflicts more than 75 percent of the college-educated females in urban America. This is what happens when women develop a healthy self-esteem, figure out how to support ourselves, and refuse to settle for men who consider Sportscenter foreplay. Thanks Simone! Thanks Bella! Thanks Gloria! A warm welcome to the big leagues of gender grievance.
But you’re asking a serious question, because you’re lonely and lost and whenever you hear Air Supply a part of you wants to cry. And part of me, knowing this, wants to cry on your behalf. I’ve got good news, though. You will find romantic love. It’s something you want, so sooner or later you’ll grow impatient with the pleasures of deprivation and self-pity and you’ll settle for someone who isn’t quite what you deserve.
Then again, look at it from his point of view. Lorrie Moore writes about this all the time, and she’s smarter than entire regions of this country.
Try to show a little humility. Patience wouldn’t kill you, either. Develop elaborate calming rituals then ignore them. Find a nightclub where you can dance as if engorged with Spanish Flies. If you haven’t (and something tells me you have) read “Birds of America” six times. Masturbate whenever you feel like it.
Do you see what I’m driving at, OTL? You’re willing. You’re able. You’re hot. Someone can and will be munching on your lovebox by the time you read this. So concentrate on what I’m about to tell you: Sugar wants photos.
Dear Sugar,
An ex-girlfriend wants to get together for a no-strings-attached weekend, at this moment when neither of us is dating anyone else. We have had a complicated on-and-off relationship over the years, and she is near the likely end of her child bearing years. What should I wear?
Sincerely yours,
Old Yeller
Dear Yeller,
How about a sign reading: Massage My Prostate with Your Big Fat Ex Thumb?
You’re so going to fuck this woman. So fuck her. Fuck her silly. Fuck her like it’s 1999. Fuck her like you’re Prince and she’s Sheila E and her tits are bigger than your head. But just remember the magic phrase, “likely end of her child bearing years.” And when she’s flipped upside down doing bicycle kicks on your mattress, don’t pretend there was no warning system in place.
But hey, you seem like the kind of guy who’d make a great absentee dad. You’re able to suspend disbelief in your own poor conduct. You’re lousy at communicating. And you’d make a nifty cell mate on deadbeat dad row. Just the thought of all that rakish manmeat is making Sugar sticky.
Dear Sugar,
My roommate has recently gotten very into meditation and all things woo-woo and New Age. This is fine, even though it’s resulted in him lecturing me for not finding my own “spiritual path.” I told him to leave me alone. I’m fine with whatever people want to do in their spare time, but don’t impose your beliefs on me, you know? I’m a practicing heathen, but respectful of others. Things took a passive aggressive turn this past week, though, when I brought my lady home to knock boots. Just as we started to get really get hot and heavy, he blasted his “nature sounds” CD and hit a gong repeatedly. Understandably, this totally spoiled our fun. Any advice on how to deal with this Rumi-loving roomie? I don’t want to have to find a new place, I really like all other aspects of where I live, and prior to his Zen kick he was the perfect cohabitor.
Thanks,
Om My God
Dear Om,
“Lady”? “Hot and heavy”? “Knock boots”?
Danny Bonaduce, is that you? Come home, Danny honey! All is forgiven! Sugar has your surgical tubing all rinsed and ready!
One response
Dear Sugar,
I have been best friends with a guy for only about two years now. It’s not one of those friendships where you see each other a lot so you say you’re best friends. It’s the type where you know that that person will be in your life for a very long time, if not forever. One of those friendships where you can tell each other anything without severely hurting feelings. Long story short, a lot of heart-to-hearts have been shared between us. We gave each other relationship advice because we (I) never saw each other as a potential partner. He led me to date my ex (lasted 6 months) whom ended up treating me poorly and taking me for granted (per my best friend). Three months after my ex and I broke up, my best friend asked me out. It was too son for me and I had only ever seen him as a friend so I told him “no.” However, i have never felt a pit in my stomach like I did for the next month… it just didn’t feel right. So I reached out to him, and after a lot of back and forth, and me calling off a date, we ended up on a bench talking. He said everything he needed to say to make me feel okay with dating him, to trust him, to love him. I told him my fears, and he reassured me that everything would be okay. He continuously said “It’s always been you,” and he confronted that he had loved me and wanted to be with me since he met me and had to watch me be treated poorly by my ex. For the next month everything was fine, we were in love. This was all in the off-season for his cycling though. When training season came around he changed. He began fading me out after telling me that I would not have to worry about being a burden. I confronted him about it (though I already knew that he did this) and he just explained that he gets tunnel vision and that it wasn’t fair to me. I was okay with it, I just didn’t know what was happening. But even after expressing that, he confronted me with a break up. I didn’t feel like I had done anything wrong, we were basically just friends still, just monogamous. But yet I knew it was because I had confronted him about the fading, that it suddenly switched an abort switch on him. We broke up for a couple days, but after talking (me breaking down how I felt about the whole thing, and how I wanted to give it a chance) we dated again for about a month. I had made it easy for him, he would do his thing and I mine so he wouldn’t have to worry about me, but we would stay together and talk regularly. It wasn’t the social norm for a relationship, but he’s my best friend, so I chose to allow it. He confronted my with a break up again and we talked for a long time going around in circles about how he’s a loner and how the fact that it was not a normal relationship it stressed him out, and I arguing that we worked because we let each other do our own things but we still hold that love for each other. We laughed, we cried. Ultimately it ended with the break. However he decided to top it off by saying “I know your rule (not dating an ex), but rules change, and maybe, I dunno, when I decide to stop being an idiot and cycling isn’t as important, I’ll end up drunk texting you and you’ll say no, and I’ll have to prove everything to you again.” I told him that was unfair for him to say to me, which he replied with “You’ll probably be married with kids and I’ll continue to secretly want you.” Anywho, I don’t know what to do. I’m the person who I end up never talking to my exes again, but he’s my best friend. I know things will be different now, but not having him in my life just feels wrong. I can’t stop thinking that I’m going to end up being Julia Roberts in ‘My best Friend’s Wedding.’ Any sane advice would be extremely appreciated. Especially if you actually read this novel. I apologize for the length.
–Chronic Overthinker
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