Dear Sugar,
I’m an attractive woman in my mid-thirties. I’ve been single for over five years, and, while I don’t feel it’s all that helpful to find places to lay the blame, I can’t help but wonder, might I have a character defect? Am I too picky or will my patience pay off? Is this a completely commonplace boring experience not worth complaining about? Should I give up on ever finding romantic love?
Thanks,
Only the Lonely
Dear OTL,
You are suffering from what some asswipe Cosmo sociologist will eventually dub “the crisis of feminist actualization.” The condition now afflicts more than 75 percent of the college-educated females in urban America. This is what happens when women develop a healthy self-esteem, figure out how to support ourselves, and refuse to settle for men who consider Sportscenter foreplay. Thanks Simone! Thanks Bella! Thanks Gloria! A warm welcome to the big leagues of gender grievance.
But you’re asking a serious question, because you’re lonely and lost and whenever you hear Air Supply a part of you wants to cry. And part of me, knowing this, wants to cry on your behalf. I’ve got good news, though. You will find romantic love. It’s something you want, so sooner or later you’ll grow impatient with the pleasures of deprivation and self-pity and you’ll settle for someone who isn’t quite what you deserve.
Then again, look at it from his point of view. Lorrie Moore writes about this all the time, and she’s smarter than entire regions of this country.
Try to show a little humility. Patience wouldn’t kill you, either. Develop elaborate calming rituals then ignore them. Find a nightclub where you can dance as if engorged with Spanish Flies. If you haven’t (and something tells me you have) read “Birds of America” six times. Masturbate whenever you feel like it.
Do you see what I’m driving at, OTL? You’re willing. You’re able. You’re hot. Someone can and will be munching on your lovebox by the time you read this. So concentrate on what I’m about to tell you: Sugar wants photos.
Dear Sugar,
An ex-girlfriend wants to get together for a no-strings-attached weekend, at this moment when neither of us is dating anyone else. We have had a complicated on-and-off relationship over the years, and she is near the likely end of her child bearing years. What should I wear?
Sincerely yours,
Old Yeller
Dear Yeller,
How about a sign reading: Massage My Prostate with Your Big Fat Ex Thumb?
You’re so going to fuck this woman. So fuck her. Fuck her silly. Fuck her like it’s 1999. Fuck her like you’re Prince and she’s Sheila E and her tits are bigger than your head. But just remember the magic phrase, “likely end of her child bearing years.” And when she’s flipped upside down doing bicycle kicks on your mattress, don’t pretend there was no warning system in place.
But hey, you seem like the kind of guy who’d make a great absentee dad. You’re able to suspend disbelief in your own poor conduct. You’re lousy at communicating. And you’d make a nifty cell mate on deadbeat dad row. Just the thought of all that rakish manmeat is making Sugar sticky.
Dear Sugar,
My roommate has recently gotten very into meditation and all things woo-woo and New Age. This is fine, even though it’s resulted in him lecturing me for not finding my own “spiritual path.” I told him to leave me alone. I’m fine with whatever people want to do in their spare time, but don’t impose your beliefs on me, you know? I’m a practicing heathen, but respectful of others. Things took a passive aggressive turn this past week, though, when I brought my lady home to knock boots. Just as we started to get really get hot and heavy, he blasted his “nature sounds” CD and hit a gong repeatedly. Understandably, this totally spoiled our fun. Any advice on how to deal with this Rumi-loving roomie? I don’t want to have to find a new place, I really like all other aspects of where I live, and prior to his Zen kick he was the perfect cohabitor.
Thanks,
Om My God
Dear Om,
“Lady”? “Hot and heavy”? “Knock boots”?
Danny Bonaduce, is that you? Come home, Danny honey! All is forgiven! Sugar has your surgical tubing all rinsed and ready!
