“This is just how evolution designed our penised pals: they want the sweet ride, not the title.”

Dear Sugar,

I broke up with my boyfriend a couple months ago but still feel guilty when I get it on with other people, and I only fantasize about him. I want him OUT of my head! Help.

Still Hung Up

Dear SHU,

A couple of months? Please, child. Give yourself six months before you hit the Backslide Button. Also, I note the use of the phrase “get it on with other people.” Call me old-fashioned, but I suspect if you were really torn up – like, Juliet-style torn up – you’d be locked up in your room with some bad serum.

You’ve also neglected any mention of why you broke up with your boyfriend. I’m going to offer a stab in the dark, and no, not the sexual kind. I’m going to guess that he didn’t attend to your emotional needs and that, while you found him super sexilicious, you finally got fed up and executed dumpage. Now, because you no longer expect him to attend to your emotional needs, you’re left to focus on the good stuff and stuck with dumper’s remorse.

It’s also possible that you have some masochistic impulses when it comes to romance – welcome to the club, honey – and idealizing this guy is a convenient form of punishment.

It’s also possible that you feel residual guilt from dumping him.

It’s also possible that this guy’s staying power in your mind is an indication that you made a mistake.

All these things are possible, SHU, and might be acting in concert.

So here’s Sugar’s advice: stop distracting yourself with new cock and give some thought as to what your ex meant to you and why you handed him his walking papers and why he’s still in your brainpan and (most of all) what you want from a relationship.

I’d do all this for you, but I’ve got a new pool boy who needs to check my PH balance.

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I broke up four months ago. But by broke up I mean we’ve seen each other once, twice, sometimes four times a week for sex (save the few weeks he was out of town or I was out of commission). But it’s not just sex. It’s all the other stuff too, the love and the talking and the eating and the watching the setting sun shine through his hair. But still we remain broken up. How can this be?

Sex + Hanging Out + Love = Relationship, Right?
Baffled

Dear Baff,

Sounds like you’ve got a nomenclature problem. Either that, or you’ve got a weasely cockhammer who wants all the benefits of a relationship with none of the duties.

There’s two ways to pursue this matter.

The first is: screw the nomenclature. We’ve got our mojo working. No broke. No fix.

The second is: Huh? If we’re together in heart and deed, then why not in name?

It’s clear to me that your thinking falls into the latter category. (Why else would you seek advice from an on-line advice columnist with a significant criminal record?) It’s also clear from your letter that your guy – despite his wonderful, sun-drenched hair – is taking advantage of your lay-zay-fair.

So you’ve got options. You can try to quiet your misgivings and ride this thing out until a) he’s ready to admit that you’re together or b) you’re secure enough in your togetherness to not care about the nomenclature.

If this doesn’t work – and something tells me it won’t – you’re pretty much stuck with option #2, which is to present this quandary to your beloved. I’m going to bet, uh, a trillion dollars, that he’s going to say something like, “I hear what you’re saying, but, you know, I just like where we’re at right now, babe.” Which is Malespeak for “Drop it before I’m forced to tell the truth.” This is just how evolution designed our penised pals: they want the sweet ride, not the title.

But this is really up to you, Baff. My general approach is to insist on clear lines of communication in romantic matters, because men tend to take advantage of vagary, particularly when it comes to commitment. You’d do well to revisit the reasons for the breakup, as unpleasant as that may sound.

Boil it down and you wind up with the same stew: to thine own self be true. Know what you’re in, before you sin. And que sera sera.