Me
I verb you.
Him
I similarly feel for you in this way, but I’ll never say the word verb. I have feelings only only when I feel like it.
Me
My passion for you grows like mold: unavoidable due to exposure and neglect.
Him
Defensive statement!
Me
Theoretically, I want to move on.
Him
No.
Me
How about we are friends forever.
Him
Yes, but let me first say something sexual.
Me
I also like saying sexual things.
Him
Pearl necklace.
Me
Although spelled differently, sex and love are the same.
Him
That’s been true for me with others, but not you. With you, I hint at infinity, then act surprised and offended when you think I mean what I say.
Me
You’re an emotional abyss. But I’ll overlook that fact, which is a fact, because we get along so well when I don’t want you to just please be convinced to verb me. Why aren’t we together?
Him
For reasons I’ll never explain. I’ll won’t leave you alone when you ask, but I’m still not willing to do anything more than not leave you alone. So you’ll just hang on and wait for something I allude to but in no way promise or even think about beyond this conversation you’re making me have.
Me
When your heart breaks, you should die. What if I agreed to a threesome?
Him
I’m not listening to you. I’m showering with your best friend. I’m having an unplanned pregnancy with my neighbor and forgot to mention it when you asked me directly. Listen, the point is, I have to go to graduate school.
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Original art by Miranda Harter.
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9 responses
Does your bio mean you won’t publish pieces from women with double mastectomies? Because my deceased wife went through that and I found some hilarious entries from her diary that would be perfect for this column. Let me know!
I actually do verb you.
Him: Sex with you is the best I’ve ever had. I want to sleep with other women.
Me: I can’t believe we’re breaking up.
Him: You know how I said that one of the reasons I wanted to break up was that I wanted to date around and not have a serious girlfriend? I’ll probably just get a new girlfriend.
Me: I didn’t realize that a heartbreak meant actual, physical pain.
Him: I can give you this advice: it never hurts as much as it does the first time.
I also verb you. With adjectives.
Awesome. I verb very verb this. I will overlook any defensive statements I wish to express.
I past tense verb someone once. I think I past tense verb her.
He’s so vain, he probably thinks this essay’s about him. Good riddance!
I’ll never verb again!
This was so accurate I cried.
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