MY COUCH
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my couch.
I recently celebrated the 54th anniversary of the day I bought my couch. Most people don’t bother to make note of such events, but I remember that special day vividly. It was the same day my brother died. The couch-buying part of that day was way better than the brother part, so I choose to focus on the former. I loved buying my couch.
In some ways I wonder if my couch isn’t haunted by my brother. Not in a scary way, but in more of a My Mother the Car sort of way. I often feel like my couch gives me advice. Like the time I really wanted to watch Wheel of Fortune but the couch was so comfortable that I couldn’t get up and change the channel. I had to watch an episode of Jeopardy! instead, which is how I learned about Mary Lou Retton, who I’m a big fan of to this day.
More recently I was sitting on my couch making out with a young lady and when I reached for her bosom my shirt cuff got stuck on the tufting of the couch. I like to think that was my brother’s way of saying, “hold up, this girl could have a disease.” My brother was very germ conscious. It turned out she did have a disease, but not one that is communicable.
Plus, it would make sense if my brother was haunting the couch because of how when we were bringing it home from the store he and it fell out of the back of the truck onto the highway. They never found all of him. Sometimes I look under the cushions expecting to find a missing part. I miss my brother so much. All I have left of him are the stains.
The truth is, my deceased brother probably does not haunt my couch. If anything, he haunts the grill of the car that was behind us.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the Cuba Gooding Jr. Look-a-like Contest I judged.
