Hello sweet peas! I decided to whip out a few shortish answers this week instead of the usual longer, single column. There are three of them, all on the subject of sex. Consider it an epistolary ménage à trois.
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Dear Sugar,
I’m a woman in my mid-twenties who has had four sexual partners. Two of them were relationships (one with my present boyfriend) and two were short-term flings. I’ve been in my current relationship for about eight months. No man has ever made me orgasm. I don’t blame my current boyfriend for that. He tries. I just never come.
It seems that I can only have an orgasm when I masturbate, Sugar. My boyfriend turns me on very much. I love fucking him, but I’m not even close to orgasm with him, in spite of his efforts. (My previous boyfriend didn’t try. He just rolled over and fell asleep when he was finished.)
I’ve never even come close to having a vaginal orgasm. My boyfriend stimulates my G-spot while he fucks me and he tries doing it all different ways—at different speeds and in different positions—but no luck. So then he just goes ahead and usually he comes really fast, which is okay, but depressing for both of us.
What’s wrong with me, Sugar? Other women have orgasms, don’t they? I’m beginning to feel guilty that my boyfriend even tries with me. Do you have any ideas about how to make me come?
Bad in the Sack
Dear Bad in the Sack,
Yes, darling, other women have orgasms. You do too. You have them when you have sex with yourself, so let’s start there. You talk about the G-spot and vaginal orgasms and fucking fast and slow while explaining your boyfriend’s efforts to make you come, but how is it that you make yourself come, honey bun? Do you hammer away at the vag? I’d put money on it that the answer is no.
As I wrote about in a previous column, The Orgasm-Friendly Zone, the clitoris is the female sex organ. Since I’m always having people write shit on little pieces of paper you might as well go ahead and do that too. Write: the clitoris is the female sex organ and put it on your bathroom mirror. Are we clear on that now? The female sex organ is not the vagina. Not the G-spot (which, by the way, is both scientifically controversial and something many women cannot even detect). It’s the clitoris. Yes. That sweet little nubbin that’s so indisputably sensitive to touch. This is where we go when we go to the place where the whole world became one big glorious OOOOO.
So go there. Forget about “vaginal orgasms,” darling—another scientifically controversial thing that some women experience, but most don’t. Forget, for a while, even about fucking. I love to fuck. I do. But that fucking has been placed front and center as the main recreational sex act is a conspiracy against women. It’s not your fault that you seem to be unaware of the clitoris’s sexual primacy. I have oodles of letters from young women like you—all who say they can’t come, while describing sex acts that don’t generally make women come. Intercourse is not the way most women get off, unless the clitoris is simultaneously being stimulated.
So direct your boyfriend to the place where you know you’ve got the goods. Don’t be shy. He’s going to be out of his head happy that he finally knows what to do.
Perhaps you should begin by masturbating in his company. Let him see what you do when you make yourself come. Put a blindfold on if you feel self-conscious. Next time, put a blindfold on him and use his hard cock as your masturbatory tool. No fucking. Just him against your clit, however you like. Fast, hard, slow, soft. On top of him, beneath him, beside him. When you’re ready for him to make an attempt, take it slow. Laugh. Talk dirty to each other if that turns you on. Tell him what you want. Exactly. There are so many things he can use. His fingers, his lips, his tongue, his cock, a vibrator. Use them. Every last one until you come.
You say you’re afraid you’re not able to let go but letting go is the only way. It has to do with listening to your body rather than the voice in your head. The one that’s constantly saying: I’ve never had an orgasm with a man! This isn’t going to work! I’m taking too long! Where the fuck is my G-spot!
Your body knows what it’s hungry for. Feed it.
Yours,
Sugar
Dear Sugar,
I’m a thirty-one year old man involved in a monogamous relationship with a man who is eight years older than me. Or at least I thought we were monogamous. We’ve been together for about four months—not long, I know, but it’s the longest I’ve been monogamous with anyone and he is very special to me.
So la, la, la we were having this fun time. I am really in love with him and he’s in love with me and I’ve reached an age where I thought this might be the man I’d “settle down” with for several years (or gasp “forever”). But guess what? He sits me down the other day and says that he wants us to participate in a sex party (it’s some house party an old friend of his has every year that he has attended in the past). An orgy, I guess you’d call it.
I’m mixed up about this, Sugar. That’s the reason I’m writing to you. (My boyfriend and I both read your column religiously. We think you are a rock star goddess, so what you say will matter A LOT.) I told my boyfriend that I probably didn’t want to do it, but I needed to think about it and he was supportive of that. To his credit, he wants me to be a part of this and he’s respectful of my feelings.
What are my feelings? That’s the problem, Sugar. I am a little turned on by the idea, I must admit, and I don’t really know if I want/can sustain a monogamy over years and years, but mostly it makes me heartsick. I feel jealous when I think of my boyfriend with someone else and I also feel depressed about doing anything with others, even if it’s only for one night. Especially because we’ll be doing it in front of each other.
What does this mean? Am I being prude by saying no? If I say yes will it destroy my relationship? What would you advise, sweet woman?
Love,
Monogamous Man
Dear Monogamous Man,
I think group sex is dicey. It basically only works if:
a) you don’t have an exclusive sexual/emotional attachment to anyone present or
b) if you are attached, you and your lover are in clear and perfect agreement about your willingness and desire to have sex with others and
c) the two of you have discussed the issue and its many complexities honestly and you’re prepared to deal with the emotions that may (and likely will) arise.
It doesn’t sound to me like you’re there, honey bun. It sounds to me that you’re in la la land with your new man and you don’t want to see him touching anyone else.
In my answer to the previous letter—the one above, from the woman who hasn’t had an orgasm with her boyfriend—I encouraged her to listen to her body and I encourage you to do the same thing. Everything in your letter tells me that in spite of some mild (and unsurprising) titillation over the idea of taking part in an orgy, you know in your gut and in your heart that you don’t wish to do this. The sort of love you are currently feeling for your lover is too sweet and new to include anyone else. Even for a night.
That’s okay. Tell your lover what you so apparently want to tell him: no. Trust yourself.
Yours,
Sugar
Dear Sugar,
I’m so glad to have found your column. I’m in my early thirties, and have been with my husband for ten years. Our sex life has been mostly great. The occasional bad times have to do with general life stress from time to time, and a pelvic pain condition I have called vulvodynia. I’m prone to muscle weakness in my pelvis, so I have to be really proactive with exercise, internal stretching, and toning. It is chronic, though very mild, and most of the time doesn’t bother me. I would say over the course of our marriage (most of my adult life) that it’s made me a bit more emotionally sensitive to what happens in my privates. Some positions overstretch or strain. The only other relevant bad time was very early in our relationship, when my husband got really into porn, to the point that he was neglecting me (staying up late every night on the computer instead of spending time with me, etc.) But that’s not really a concern now.
So, for the last year my husband has been VERY interested in anal sex. I was hesitant at first, but eventually we tried it. I didn’t like it. But it wasn’t horrible to the point that I’d rule it out forever, knowing he really enjoyed it. (Though he did say it was a lot of work.) I told him it was something we could do very occasionally (like, a few times a year), but we’d have to talk about it in advance. Sugar, since then, virtually EVERY time we’ve had sex, he tries to sneak in the back door in some way. Often it is just as I’m climaxing from manual or vibrator play, which completely ruins my moment. I can count on one hand the number of times in the last year that he has not attempted some kind of anal penetration.
I did my best to initiate other new things, but he doesn’t seem to care about anything other than anal. I’ve talked to him over and over and over again—nicely, clearly, not right in the moment or in times of other distraction. He always agrees to respect my boundaries. But when the time comes, he never does. If I physically shift away or ask him to stop touching me there, he slumps and sulks from being “scolded” and the moment’s done. He thinks he can “surprise” me into enjoying it, or maybe hopes that I won’t notice. Um, there’s no way I won’t notice. And sometimes he says he just forgets that I don’t want it, or just gets carried away in the moment, and I’m not sure I buy that.
I am so, so angry over this. It’s true I don’t like the physical sensation. But the more painful thing is that he is deliberately disregarding me. Or he’s just paying me lip service (and not the good kind) to shut me up and ignoring my feelings. It’s so hard to relax and be open and allow myself to reach an orgasm when EVERY time it’s ruined by his violation. I try to talk to him, and he just sulks and shuts down. He doesn’t want to put effort into enjoying other sexual things. He doesn’t understand how I don’t trust him now.
It’s been a year. At various times when we’ve talked, he’s said that anal is completely off the table. But that never lasts. He says it won’t be any good unless I enjoy it too—I think that explains his attempts to penetrate when I’m climaxing. But I just don’t like it. This is affecting my feelings for him. I don’t know what else to do.
Angry
Dear Angry,
Of course you’re angry, sweet pea. Your husband is violating your trust as well as your body. It’s a big deal. And a strange one too. How has this “mostly great” lover of yours gone so profoundly off the rails? The cornerstone of any consensual sexual relationship is that one’s partner does not do what one has told him or her not to do. If you don’t have that, everything else crumbles.
There is no excuse or explanation for your husband’s behavior. Because you report that your relationship is generally positive and loving, I can only imagine that your husband’s year-long inability to absorb your very clear instruction that you do not want to be spontaneously fucked up the arse means that he doesn’t believe you’re serious.
Make him believe it.
It seems a third party would help. I urge you to see a counselor together. Of course this issue will be at the forefront of your concerns, but it’s obviously brought up other, deeper issues in your marriage. Your husband desires a sex act that you loathe—that’s one thing. Your husband refuses to respect your wishes—that’s another. You are angry and you no longer trust him with your body—more still. Wade into this all the way or your relationship is bound to fail.
I think it would be a good idea to be celibate for a time while you reestablish trust and respect between you. As you’ve noted, the sex for you is terrible anyway, since you can’t have an orgasm without worrying that your heinie’s about to be harpooned. The celibacy is not a punishment for your husband’s bad behavior—though he has behaved terribly—but rather something that will ultimately protect and preserve the sexual bond you share. Or used to share.
Remember that one? I hope you can find it again, sweet pea.
Yours,
Sugar
29 responses
I know where Bad in the Sack is coming from (so to speak). I’m 21, I’ve had 3 partners (two serious, one fling), and I too have never had an orgasm during partnered sex. But, it hasn’t just been ignorant boys poking away waiting for an explosion — I’ve had my clit fingered during sex, I’ve gotten head, I’ve been the recipient of lots of earnest attempts to make me come, and nothing works. The thing is, I couldn’t even make myself come until I was nearly 20, after years of trying, and I only got it down with a strong vibrator and 45 minutes of fantasizing. I’ve made myself come with fingers a couple times since then, but it’s nowhere near as good, or intense. So how is a guy supposed to make me come, if I only can with a vibrator? I suppose the obvious answer is to include a vibrator during sex, but I don’t want to wound delicate male egos, and it also feels less intimate, more clinical. I don’t know. I’m just saying, her boyfriends may have tried more than you think.
Lovely, thoughtful, wise as always.
Sugar, I use an expression: compassion can only live on the field of equality. We only understand other people’s problems when they’ve been our own. The three letters are interesting because each sweet pea has no difficulty expressing the most intimate details via the web, but their
communication with their intimate partners is breaking down. You said exactly the right things in the right way. Good work. BTW, any excuse or reason to write you a letter or respond to a column is, for me, golden.
Sugar, the first letter you answered, answered the question I was afraid to ask for a long time. Thank you so much. It’s great to hear such an obvious response to such a plague-y question that so many young women have.
What Angry can’t bring herself to say is that her husband keeps trying to rape her. Maybe she doesn’t believe that’s possible for married people, or for people who just seconds ago were engaged in consensual intercourse. However, this is what is happening. I think this relationship has already failed.
In Angry’s first paragraph, she says that their sex life “has been mostly great” and that the porn problem is “not really a concern now”. And yet this has been going on for a whole year? I am seeing red flags and hearing alarm bells, and it sounds like she doesn’t feel safe. She is not safe, because the man who sleeps in her bed keeps trying to rape her.
I think she needs to talk to a lawyer.
Another thing that springs to mind for me, regarding Bad in the Sack, is what a disservice we do both ourselves and the sexual act by making orgasm the centerpiece of sexual relations. Great intimacy and pleasure can both come from sexual contact that doesn’t necessarily result in either partner’s climax. It seems we often gauge the success or failure of sex by the briefest part of it, rather than focusing on touch, communion, trust, exploration — all the wonderful things that can be unique to a deep and loving relationship. Which is not to say that it’s not good to figure out how to share orgasms — that’s very special. But it doesn’t have to be the only desirable outcome of sexual sharing.
I have to agree with monsterzero. How many chances should you give even the most clueless partner to clue in and start paying attention to what you very clearly say you don’t want? At best, he’s a selfish ass, at worst, a freaking sociopath.
I’m with monsterzero too. “Rape” is a hard word to use with your own husband. But it seems to be the important word here.
Great advice. Sugar hits the sweet spot every time.
Agree, like others, with monsterzero. Her husband is trying to rape her. I also agree with Sugar, that a counselor is the way to go. But what a miserable situation to be in! I would not even be able to sleep next to a partner who was repeatedly trying to penetrate me after I had said, “No.”
I don’t think this is rape. I’ll probably get hammered for this. But it’s not rape until she says no and he does it anyway.
I agree with Stephen. According to Angry, each time she expresses displeasure her husband backs off. Furthermore, he doesn’t attack her or try to initiate any type of sex without her consent. Sugar’s advice to seek the advice and facilitation of a third party seems the best first line of defense at this point. (No surprise there, really.)
I’m with Stephen on the rape issue. As things stand the husband is not (yet) a rapist, but he is being a sex pest. A counsellor, as Sugar suggests, sounds good – though honestly, it seems a damn shame that two married people can’t talk this out without involving a professional.
The whole “I can’t orgasm during sex” thing is interesting. One hears it again and again. I’ve never been able to either, nor can I get off from recieving (even the most excellent!) oral or being masturbated by my partner. I enjoy both these things but neither of them gets me there. Only I can get myself there – and I get there fast and wonderfully well, so I’ve never really minded or thought myself abnormal. I’m not built and wired that way, and while the idea of a ‘vaginal orgasm’ during penetration is appealing, sure, I have always been unsurprised that I don’t belomg to the small percentage of females who can get off that way. I read enough about female physiology at an early enough age to know that it wasn’t likely to be any different. So I think it’s a matter of education – and then we’d have fewer women freaking out over their percieved inadequacies.
And how about this: if one can give oneself a fantastic orgasm whenever one desires, is it really the be-all and end-all if one doesn’t have an orgasm during the precise window of time one is making love to one’s partner? Just a crazy thought.
No male ego has ever been wounded by the addition of a vibrator into the bedroom IF WE’RE A PART OF IT. It’s when we’re left out, ignored, or replaced. If you women are getting off by a vibrator, or your hand, or whatever works when you’re alone, bring that in to your partner and show them, allow them to be a part of it, and any partner with your best interests at heart will never deny you that orgasm, that pleasure.
As Tim Gun says, “Make it work.”
sorry…gunn! duh
I won’t weigh in on the rape/not rape issue, but I will say the first LW’s husband is being a total skeeze, and I feel okay saying this is definitely sexual abuse. If he continued to do it ONCE after she talked to him about it, he’d be just your garden-variety skeeze, but the fact that it’s been a year and he does it every. single. time? Dude has serious boundary issues and no respect for her bodily autonomy. Counseling might resolve this situation on his end, but honestly, I wouldn’t blame her one bit if she decided to bail out of the marriage. Her husband has shown her he has no respect for her, her wishes or her right to control her own body. That he stops trying after she calls him out is hardly an indicator of good character on his side.
Um, with all due respect to Stephen and the others that say “Angry” didn’t say no and “he doesn’t attack her or try to initiate any type of sex without her consent”, I believe she said in her letter that they agreed that she did NOT want to have anal sex unless it was explicitly discussed beforehand and she agreed to it. Therefore, if she hasn’t agreed beforehand, she is thereby saying NO, she is NOT giving her consent, and he is trying to force it anyway, and at a moment when she is climaxing and not in full control of her body. To me, that’s pretty clearly rape. Seems strange that you wouldn’t consider that to be non-consensual.
And as far as clitoral orgasms vs. vaginal orgasms, Sugar, I’m glad you at least acknowledged that some women do have vaginal orgasms. I’ve heard people saying that women *only* come from clitoral stimulation, and that usually makes me feel like a freak, because for me, it’s the opposite, and I have a hard time reaching orgasm by clitoral stimulation, and almost always come by vaginal stimulation/penetration, and it’s an entirely different kind of orgasm. So the clitoris is not always the main sex organ for women.
In regards to Monogomous Man’s query —
The usual point of a sex party/orgy aside, might the couple agree to attend but to only touch each other? to be off-limits to others, as if the party is just a live sex show that they’re enjoying at a distance (with each other only.)
I’m a big fan of “have your cake and eat it too,” so if the Inviting Partner would seriously agree to these terms, and would promise not to pressure him at the party, (and maybe they take seperate cars so a deal breaker doesn’t force group sex on Monogo-man), he might be delighted that he can attend the party again this year in a new way — introducing his new beau to his friends — but they’d have to make it clear that they’re going to cheer others on but remain monogomous… I may be naieve but that might work.
(And Mia needs to re-read Angry’s letter again, slowly and carefully; she was not climaxing, she was trying to, fully aware of her mind and body — she said no, the creep stopped for the moment. Not rape. Shitty behavior she shouldn’t tolorate for another night, but not rape. Maaaaaybe attempted assault, check the laws in your state. And thank god we’re not in in the Middle East.)
Straightforward advice. Here is what works best for me. Play, oral sex, then as I am shuddering, and my mate knows just the signs, he mounts me and I climax with him thrusting inside of me.
To Monogamous Man: I thought the Sug was right on with this advice, but just thought I should add that this is something you can add to your sex life together later when your trust and relationship is deep and strong. Four months just might be too soon. Once sexual relationship boundaries are crossed, you can never go back. So if you do it and regret it, you can’t undo it, but you can always add orgies in later.
plus i think women sometimes think they need to orgasm fast enough to keep the guy’s attention (as did i in my younger days). a few years ago i read how women take about five times longer on average to “get there” as men, i.e. about 10 minutes to their two. just an average, not a hard and fast rule. i’ve known men who barely get it out of their pants before spurting and men who go and go long past anything enjoyable. my advice: smoke some pot, dim the lights, put on your favorite barry white tune (joke) and just play with each other. no taboos. no shyness. show it all. talk about it all. get to the point where you aren’t going to hurt the guy’s feelings when you let him know something’s not working. he’s licking the wrong thing. whatever. masturbating is easy, fun and great, but connecting with a lover, well, there’s just no comparison. i disagree with joan. sexual intimacy involves all sorts of foreplay, talking, sharing meals, touching, etc., but to me, the object of actual lovemaking is to get each other off. if the man orgasms and the woman doesn’t, it’s not fair and it sucks and fuck touching and petting without it.
So much fun to see the Sugar angle on straight ahead sex questions; especially being a long time fan of Dan Savage.
@ Stephen Elliott: how about attempted rape then? Not an act of rape committed, but an attempt at rape. This conversation thread brings me back to how the legal definition of rape is so inadequate and stifling. It keeps us away from discussing the spectrum of behaviour that is rape, for its cultural and moral significance. It is clear that people are still reluctant to use the word rape because of its association with the legal concept: its severity of consequence and limiting precision.
@ @theGirlPie I love your have a cake and eat it too angle; it’s a good break from the focus on all the hetero love in the rest of the thread. BUT WHAT THE FUCK? “And thank god we’re not in in the Middle East” because they obviously all rape or reject the idea of rape? Thank god we’re in the West where ethnocentrism and orientalism allow for casual racism and stereotypes.
I fall firmly on the side of orgasms not being the pinnacle of all sexual acts. Patriarchal representation of sex is too teleological, which of course it was ostensibly (orgasms = babies). There are many wonderful sensations and emotions that arise from sex other than the orgasm; sex can be about any of those. Yes, yes orgasms are wonderful and anyone should try it out, but sex > orgasms.
On the subject of the female orgasms: Dan Savage, having answered similar questions, said that females on average have their sexual peak in their mid 30s, so it could be much harder for younger females to get there and is in no way unnatural. There have been guys calling in who can only get off on their own; he advocated for a sabbatical from self pleasure to wean the body off of its dependence, and a gradual return to masturbation only as secondary to sex with the partner.
And any sex partners unwilling to have sex toys in play are not worth having.
I can imagine the following scenario: Her: “Oh yeah, almost there…hey what the fuck are doing? Didn’t I say before I hate being anally raped while orgasming???†Which rivals only this scenario: Her: “Hey, cut it out. No dicks in the ass.†Him: “Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! In the heat of the moment I forgot you don’t like my dick snaking its way unannounced and unwanted into your ass. My bad. No hard feelings?â€
I am so sick of the prevailing “wisdom” that Sugar sadly endorses by stating definitively that “THE” female sexual organ is the clit. I find men know and focus only on the clit having been led to believe it is what all women want. While I can come that way, it is a quick and a MUCH less intense sensation than the full=body, shuddering, super-intense orgasm I have through penetration and g-spot stimulation. If there is just ONE thing I wish people would realize it is that women are different and what works for one may the opposite of what works for another. Just as bad as Sugar’s false assumption are the men who say foolish things like, “I’m the best at oral sex.” Just b/c you were “the best” to your last girlfriend means nothing. Frankly, I’d rather give than receive oral sex. When in doubt, watch her reaction, ask for direction.
@ Stephen, aw, Alison; I never said Angry was raped. What I said, twice, is that her husband was *trying* to rape her. She has clearly, repeatedly, unambiguously refused to consent. His “carried away by the moment” defense, might, barely, fly if this had happened one time. But this is obviously deliberate and premeditated behavior. CarrieP is correct; the DSM-IV defines antisocial aka sociopathic behavior as “a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood.” He’s not treating Angry as a person but rather as an object to be manipulated, and the sulking implies that he is not emotionally an adult, that he’s never matured in that respect.
I think she should leave him as quickly as possible, and seeing a lawyer is a good first step.
Ok, time to weigh in here. This is on 2 of the questions here, and I’ll tackle the orgasm one first.
First off, so to speak, I had about 7 lovers before I found one that could get me off, at all. Still, not even he could do it as good as I can, and do. In fact, that’s the only way I get through years of being single…..anyway, he wasn’t able to make it happen every time, either. Now, his brother on the other hand, wowwweeee. Guy knew exacty what he was doing just barely touching me with no insertion and in minutes flat. He had been well trained, and as soon as I responded well to the stimulation at all, he just did that the whole time. Once you find something that works in that arena, stick with it, don’t go changing it up too much, if at all. Three lovers only is definitely not enough experience for LW1 to be blaming herself for this. And yes, the clit is not the only female sexual organ, but it does TEND to work better than anything else. Of course, it sounds like those 3 young men she was with didn’t know what to do if they ignored her clit. That’s the biggest mistake most folks make, unfortunately.
And yes, I agree with the other commentors here who point out that orgasm isn’t always the point to sex. With the first guy I mentioned, I learned about smaller, weaker orgasms, which I’d never had before. If the lover doesn’t know what they are doing to please you, the basic advice is to tell them. Guys want that and so do women-if they’re doin it wrong they wanna know. Using a vibrator during sex is not that difficult, either. Depends on the position and the style of said vibrator. There are small ones available that pack a good punch and are relatively cheap to buy and try out.
As for LW3 and the unwanted anal, it most definitely is a form of rape. In fact, I think there are still states where he could get arrested and charged for trying to have anal at all. Sodomy laws…..archaic but still around in some places. This is a major trust problem, and the sex needs to stop until he gets the point. Counseling would be great, but if he refuses to stop at all then there’s only one option-remember fondly how it was before and start over with someone who respects your boundaries. It’s tough, I know, but your body counts more than his orgasm. You and what you want are more important.
I can’t help but feel that an orgasm is something I find important. Sure a girl can get it when she’s alone but it would be 100x more special in bed with her lover. You can tell me that there are other things that are “more” important than orgasming with her partner in bed but when it comes right down to it, I’ve never met a man who would simply be okay with sex (or happy at all) if he didn’t get to have HIS orgasm.. constantly. In fact.. men throw stupid fits if the girl stops when he isn’t finished yet.
@Nic Law, I’m sure it would be your place to say whether a person is worth fucking or not.
I’ve very recently come to the astounding, life-changing Dear Sugar -in fact she’s out now. I’m truly grateful to have found her and all her sweet peas, and even more so for all the archives; thank you Rumpus!
I’ve read at least half of every published Dear Sugar, and Angry is the one who compelled me to respond – yes, now, two years later.
Everyone changes so much from the twenties to the thirties. People can weirdly wildly diverge. Nascent traits can sprout. Lotta shit can come out. Pathologies, even. No one touched upon Angry’s mention of this guy’s porn addiction which was “not really a concern nowâ€. (Really? That sounded easy like a river in Egypt). As many of us sadly know waay too well, any addiction is a red flag and the behavior a symptom. Those anal drive-by’s were fact not only attempted rapes, but uncontrollable compulsions . This alone would be enough but add it to the heels of full blown porn addiction (where the porn became more important than her) and the whole thing screams serious pathology. Full blown sociopathy? Narcissistic personality disorder? Detachment disorder? Whatever; Angry was (is?) dealing with a guy who is missing an authentic ability to feel/care/empathize. The ability to really ‘see’ the other. On top of that, I’m sure on the surface he’s charming and smart and all that. Maybe his ability to connect disappeared only during his active addiction trance. Perhaps it was always missing and this is how/where/when it became visible. But the guy needs serious help, and as long as he can’t or won’t recognize the impact of his actions on others, his partners are not ‘safe’, and never will be.
I hope I’m wrong about this – it does read as one sad situation with serious writing on the wall. Best to you, Angry – I hope that now, two years later, you’re okay and happy, with or without the husband.. And I hope for his sake and the sake any woman he is with, that this guy was able to get help and find/inhabit the place from which the other, the beloved, is as real as he is.
He’s trying to rape her in the moment (there is no “sneak” in consensual sex), and he’s trying to wear her down by doing it on repeat for a year, sulking, and withholding orgasms when she maintains her boundary. He’s hoping eventually she’ll be so worn down that she will just let it happen and that will absolutely be rape.
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