(I’m answering two letters at once this week, sweet peas.)
Dear Sugar,
I am newly civilly unioned. I love my spouse (wife?) dearly, though we have our issues. What appears to me to be our biggest problem—the one that keeps me up some nights—is that she won’t get a job.
We’re a quite poor couple in our mid-twenties, both in school. We’ve been together for four years, and in that time my girl has had three jobs: one she was laid off from because the job ended, one she quit, and one she was fired from. All these jobs lasted fewer than six months.
She’s made halfhearted attempts to placate me in the year and a half she’s been unemployed. Mostly though? We fight, she cries, she shuts down, she lies and says she’s been trying to find a job, even though I know she hasn’t. She has moderate social anxiety issues and says she can’t work any jobs involving other people because of it. She doesn’t even offer up excuses for not applying to any number of other jobs I’ve suggested (throwing newspapers! work-study in a low-traffic area of her school! selling her lovely quirky crafts online! dishwashing!). At one point, she suggested that she would rather donate plasma every week than get a job.
Sugar, I’m a full-time student working two jobs. We’re barely getting by on what I’m bringing in. We frequently must rely on my parents for money, and they’re rapidly losing their ability to keep up with my financial needs in addition to their own. I worry so much about this. I worry that my partner will never be motivated enough to hold a job. I worry about what her job prospects are going to be when she reaches thirty in a few years without ever actually having held a long-term job. I worry that, though she sees my struggles, she will never feel guilty enough to get things kicked into gear.
What can I possibly do to get her to take job searching seriously? She’s emotionally fragile, due to years of social anxiety, sexual and emotional abuse from her father, and a recurring eating disorder. Because of that, I don’t want to threaten her with any ultimatums, because I wouldn’t mean any of them and I fear it would do more harm than good. My girl’s got a good heart, but she is so afraid of failure that she willfully ignores how much I sacrifice to keep our rent paid. I love her, and she loves me, yet I feel I’m without a partner in this. I don’t know what to do next. Please help.
Working for Two
Dear Sugar,
My husband makes me laugh every day, EVERY day, multiple times. He’s been my best friend for years and is still my favorite person in the world. He’s enriched my life in so many innumerable ways and he has told me that I have reciprocated that enrichment. I do love him so. SO. And I am quite certain he loves me.
The issue is that he’s been unemployed for over three years. He did try to find a job for a while (and I believe he still occasionally does), but now I think he feels unqualified for anything other than the job he used to hate and also that he has no reason to be hired for anything else. Inertia has taken him over. He wants to write, but feels unworthy, so he doesn’t write. He is brilliant and funny and erudite, but he sees none of that. He doesn’t paint/sculpt/whatever might give him fulfillment or do anything that would move him forward in his life. I would be happy with him doing anything (and I truly mean that), yet he seems to be stuck. He’s also bipolar and self-hating and all of that.
Fortunately, my job carries us financially, but only barely. The house is clean, the laundry is done, the dog is walked, but in three years he hasn’t been able to figure out a way to financially contribute to our household. He’s stressed out about the fact that we have trouble paying our bills, but he does nothing (truly nothing) to change it. If I had plenty of money, I’d be fine with this, but I don’t. I’ve been carrying this load alone for a long time. I have repeatedly tried to talk to him about this, to no avail.
I love him so much and I’m so sad about this. I think my staying with him may be ruining both our lives. Perhaps my support is keeping him from fulfilling his dreams. What do you think, Sugar?
Responsible One
Dear Women,
As I’m sure you both know, there is nothing inherently wrong with a spouse who makes no money. The most common scenario in which it makes sense for one spouse to earn an income while the other does not is when the couple has a child or children who must be cared for, which goes along with a domestic life that requires constant vigilance of the cleaning, shopping, cooking, washing, folding, tidying up, taking-the-cat-to-the-vet-and-the-kids-to-the-dentist variety. In this situation and others like it, the “non-working” spouse is often doing more work, hour for hour, than the “working” spouse and though on paper it appears that the one with the job is making a greater financial contribution to the household than the one who “stays at home,” if you ran the numbers and figured out what it would cost to employ someone to do the work of the “non-working” spouse, it becomes apparent that one should probably shut their big trap when it comes to who is contributing what.
There are other reasons, usually more fleeting, that one spouse may not be earning money in any given period: if he or she is unemployed or seriously ill or attending school full-time or caring for an infirm or dying parent or working in a field in which the money comes only after an extended period of what may or may not turn out to be unpaid labor.
Neither of you appears to be in any of those circumstances. While it’s technically true that both of your spouses are unemployed, it seems clear that something more complex is at play here. Your spouse, Working for Two, has such a spotty and brief record of employment that unemployment is her customary mode rather than a temporary state of affairs. Your spouse, Responsible One, has apparently drifted into a post-unemployment funk and has given up the search for a job. You both feel overly burdened and seriously bummed out. You’re both desperate for change. You’ve both shared your feelings with your partners and been met with compassionate indifference (ie. I feel terrible, sweetie, but I’m not going to do a damn thing about it).
What a mess.
I hope it’s not going to be news to you when I say you can’t make your partners get jobs. Or at least you can’t make them get jobs by doing what you’ve done so far—appealing to their better nature regarding what’s fair and reasonable, imploring them to act out of their concern for you and your wishes, as well as your collective financial well-being. Whatever dark angst is keeping your spouses from taking responsibility for their lives—depression, anxiety, a loss of self-confidence, a fear-based desire to maintain the status quo—it’s got a greater hold on them than any angry fits you’ve pitched about being the only one bringing in any dough.
It’s a truism of transformation that if we want things to be different we have to change ourselves. I think both of you are going to have to take this to heart the way anyone who has ever changed anything about their lives has had to take it to heart: by making it not just a nice thing we say, but a hard thing we do. Your spouses may or may not decide to get jobs in response to your changes, but that is out of your control.
The way I see it, there are two paths out of your misery. They are:
a) Accept the fact that your partner won’t get a job (or even seriously delve into the reasons he/she won’t seek one) or
b) Decide your partner’s refusal to contribute financially is unacceptable and end the relationship (or at least break it off until circumstances change).
So let’s say you went with option a. Both of you express love and adoration for your partners. You don’t want to lose them. How might you accept your dead-beat darlings for who they are at this era of their lives? Is this possible? Is what they give you worth the burden they place upon you? Are you willing to shelf your frustrations about your partner’s fiscal failings for a period of time? If so, how long? Can you imagine feeling okay with being the sole employed member of your union a year from now? Three years? Ten? Might you together agree to downsize and reduce expenses so that your single income becomes more feasible? What if you rethought the whole thing? What if instead of lamenting the fact that your partner is unemployed, the two of you embraced it as a choice you made together? Reframing it as a mutually-agreed upon decision, in which you are the breadwinners and your partners are the significantly supportive, non-incoming-earning helpmates, would give you a sense of agency that’s lacking now.
Working for Two, you don’t mention if your partner does more than her share around the house, but Responsible One, you state that “the house is clean, the laundry is done, the dog is walked.” That’s something. In fact, it’s quite a lot. It’s not money, but your husband is positively contributing to your lives by seeing to those things. Oodles of people with jobs would be deeply pleased to return to a clean house that doesn’t contain mountains of dirty laundry and a dog demanding to go out. Many people pay people to do those things for them or they return from work only to have to work another, domestic shift. Your husband’s unpaid work benefits you. With that in mind, what other ways could your partners lighten your burden if they refuse to lighten it financially? Might you draw up a list of your household and individual needs—financial, logistical, domestic, and administrative—and divide the responsibilities in a manner that feels equitable, in terms of overall workload, that takes your job into account?
While I encourage you to sincerely consider coming to peace with your spouses’ perpetual unemployment, I’ll admit I’m presenting this option with more optimism than I feel. One thing I noted about both of your letters is that—while money is a major stress point—what worries you most deeply isn’t money. It’s how apathetic your partners are, how indifferent they are to their ambitions, whether they be income-earning or not. It would be one thing if you partners were these happy, fulfilled people who simply believed their best contribution to your coupledom would be as homemakers and personal assistants, but it seems clear that your partners have used home and the security of your relationships as a place to retreat and wallow, to sink into rather than rise out of their insecurities and doubts.
So let’s talk about option b. Working for Two, you say that you won’t give your partner an ultimatum, but I encourage you to rethink that. Perhaps it will help if you come to see what I see so clearly now: that you and Responsible One are the ones who’ve been given ultimatums, at least of an unstated, passive aggressive sort.
Ultimatums have negative connotations for many because they’re often used by bullies and abusers, who tend to be comfortable pushing their partners’ backs against a wall, demanding him or her to choose this or that, all or nothing. But when used by emotionally healthy people with good intentions, ultimatums offer a respectful and loving way though an impasse that will sooner or later destroy a relationship on its own anyway. Besides, the two of you have been up against the wall for years now, forced by your partners to be the sole financial providers, even when you have repeatedly stated that you do not and cannot continue to be. You’ve continued. Your partners have made their excuses and allowed you to do what you said you don’t want to do, even though they know it makes you profoundly unhappy.
Your ultimatum is simple. It’s fair. And it’s stating your own intentions, not what you hope theirs will be. It’s: I won’t live like this anymore. I won’t carry our financial burdens beyond my desires or capabilities. I won’t enable your inertia. I won’t, even though I love you. I won’t, because I love you. Because doing so is ruining us.
Don’t you get a little bit lighter inside just reading those lines?
The difficult part is, of course, what to do in the wake of those words, but you don’t have to know exactly what it will be right away. Maybe it will be breaking up. Maybe it will be mapping out a course of action that will save your relationships. Maybe it will be the thing that finally forces your partners to change. Whatever it is, I strongly advise you both to seek answers to the deeper questions underlying your conflicts with your partners while you figure it out. Your joint and individual issues run deeper than someone not having a job.
You can do this. I know you can. It’s how the real work is done. We can all have a better life if we make one.
Yours,
Sugar
39 responses
That ultimatum, the passive aggressive one- it’s so hard to see when you’re in that situation! And it’s so hard to move forward when you’ve seen it and have to give an ultimatum of your own. But it has to be done, unless you prefer a lifetime of building resentment toward your partner, and it’s obviously building for the two above.
They say do the same thing with addicts…if you can’t hold true to what you want, and what you are willing to do, and refusing to do what you can’t…that addict will never get better.
I had the same problem. My husband was doing less and less and I kept doing more and more. Soon after my parents died, I knew I had to leave. He had proven incapable of even being emotionally supportive at a certain point. I blame myself as much as I blame him, though. I should have had a line, before the break-up of the marriage, that I might have stood by. As I was leaving him, he begged me to give him an ultimatum. Unfortunately, I was past that.
Ultimatums can work if you deliver them with love. I sometimes wonder what would be if I had been able to give one.
I have always called this type of ultimatum a “Deal Breaker” instead. I have only had those life-changing conversations with my partner when I felt that the alternative might be a deal breaker for me. Change would be needed for our relationship to be worthwhile.
Thanks for your insight, Sugar. I have been on the unemployed end (long ago) and can only now see that I was clearly in a depression. I got myself out of it, but treatment would probably have been helpful. Being able to financially contribute to my household finances was so much more rewarding and secure than my former artistic pursuits had ever been.
This is a hard one – so much to consider – both deadbeat darlings need something to kickstart their lives, and being sensitive partners of these darlings makes it hard to know exactly what to do. I love your advice, Sugar – it was even, compassionate, and straight to the heart of the matter – thanks for another great column.
I think what is overlooked here is that both people need therapy and a support group. Both non-earners are depressed and therefore unable to take this kind of initiative. Both need goal-based lives. Their partner should not be the ones to provide this, but outside help may be available, esp. for the man who is unemployed. A crisis line may be able to point to free counseling services. Even free self-help books at the library for those who are depressed. Perhaps the ultimatium could be more that they get help immediately and journal their progress daily in order to be accountable to their paying partners with a set limit on this.
Lynda has it partly right. Both people need therapy and coaching, but how demeaning would it be to have to journal daily progress to turn over to your partner? That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship dynamic.
The reality of job searching in some parts of the country, especially for older men, doesn’t lend itself to setting a time limit. There are four people looking for work for every available job. That’s pretty simple math. Learning to accept that your partner may not be able to find a job and downsizing your lifestyle might be the least painful option if you wish to remain in the relationship.
Yeah speaking from experience mental illness is a huge barrier to job searching. If the partner of the first LW doesn’t want to work around any people her social anxiety is not being addressed, at all, and just school alone is probably overwhelming. Anyways I was unemployed for several years, and now that I’ve found meds that work have at least had a part time job for a year. An ultimatum to get help would be far more productive than an ultimatum to go job searching.
Mental illness is a huge, if not insurmountable barrier to holding a job. The first partner’s debilitating anxiety, and the second’s bipolar disorder, both would make them strong candidates for social security disability income (SSDI). The application is a lengthy process, but once completed would bring in about $1,000 per month and health insurance for the psychiatrically disabled partner.
Look at the social security administration’s website for more information.
My heart started beating hard as I began to read the first letter. I am in a similar situation to both letter-writers. Although my boyfriend does still contribute financially–rent and food, though the split is uneven–he has been unemployed for periods of months (3-6) at a time over the course of our relationship, and largely fails to seek out work, even when friends and family members offer him useful connections. He smokes pot excessively and does little to contribute around the house with his extra time–household chores are split somewhat unevenly (though this is more subjective) as well. He is an artist and does spend some of his time at home painting, drawing, etc. but he also lacks initiative to try and make connections in the art world, show his work in galleries, do freelance design or illustration work, start a blog, or anything of that sort. Though he’s not such a large financial burden at this point, I feel disheartened and depressed by his lack of initiative and lack of responsibility. He’s approaching late twenties (I’m approaching mid twenties) and I fear this will never change about him and I don’t think I can accept it. Sugar, your words both lightened and burdened me. I still don’t know what to do but I at least know a little more certainly what this life I’m living looks like.
I agree that mental illness may be contributing, but the LWs cannot do anything to help their partners unless they want to be helped and agree to cooperate and help themselves. Similarly, regardless of how horrible and soul-crushing the job market is, both have refused as well to even enter it–to even swing, regularly, in hopes of hitting a home run.
I have compassion for those in this situation on either side, but we always have the free will to decide who we want to be. For some people, this kind of partnership is stifling, painful, and slowly drains away the emotionally/mentally healthy partner’s zest for life. I think Sugar was kind to even suggest that the letter writing partners try and accept the state of affairs (and she’s right to note it would have to be a state of total compassion/grace/acceptance with no strings to be a viable solution), because it seems clear to me that both these people are enabling states of mental and emotional stunted-ness, and they can no longer continue to do so.
You can love someone without needing to give your whole life to supporting and enabling their pain. Sugar was absolutely correct in identifying that the non-working partners have given an ultimatum, even if it is a silent one, and I think the LWs would be happier in more equal partnerships. It is obvious they are both compassionate people with a significant amount of love, grace, and patience to give and I believe they deserve it in return.
I appreciate what Sugar has expressed here, as I know we sometimes get stuck and need help getting moving again. But I also agree with those who suggest that the spouses written about here seem to need help with their mental illnesses in order to be healthy enough to seek and hold work. And maybe they can’t – maybe, as Andrea suggests, they are entitled to receive SSDI. I just fear that demanding that someone who is not currently capable of working get work in order to stay in their marriage might push them into or further into depression, thus bringing greater pain to all involved. I hope the writers consider the suggestions others before me have made as they struggle with their decisions. I feel for both of you and your spouses and wish you all the best.
One of the hardest times I have ever gone through was a partner who berated me once I left a job to be with them. When I was unsuccessful and soon exhausted looking for a position like the one I had during the hardest skids of the recession, they pressured me not to get a menial job even though it would have made me feel better and given me time to work on professional development in the arts, where my soul happens to reside. This is not a sob story, in fact, I read this post with the soft feather thud of knowing I received a raise and bonus just today at a job I love helping a community I care deeply about. Reading this back then would have crushed an already flattened tin can of my confidence. So my point is, there’s usually something pretty challenging that halts once successful people in their paths. Joining a civil union with someone long-term unemployed who probably reads this column and then writing in to condemn them is a might bit telling of some of those other issues if this might be the case. Though the fairness of Responsible seeming to protect her spouse somewhat is appreciated by a former “lazy, moping, worthless, etc.” partner to someone who just seemed to have supernatural luck at barely having to blink to be successful – someone who was not nearly as kind or supportive emotionally as Responsible seems to be extending long past when she probably earned her wings and should have drawn the line in the sand on half the bills.
As a word of warning though, if anyone suffering a worthless, unemployed, anchor dragging partner has even unconsciously used that as a means of kicking their partner in the teeth when no other convenient place-putting low blow is readily available, beware when that partner does finally crawl out of that dark pit, and does so feeling completely alone and abandoned at their worst moment in the process. What you took for granted and assumed just magically happened around the house or just emotionally in your life that brought you comfort you took for granted, once freed from the taint of your blood money – and I mean blood money over the body of your relationship and their respect – yes – their respect for you as a good person – you may find your comfortable and adoring pet like partner has grown quite far away from you in the process. What you will go through at that point, they will have already overcome. That horrible, gut crushing feeling of no longer being trusted, respected, or loved.
That being said, ladies, KEEP YOUR MONEY IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT. If someone truly is compatible, you wouldn’t be questioning why they aren’t fitting into your plans. You are both with the wrong person. Be the roommates you are to these people, draw the line, and let the memory of love past sail on by so you can focus on yourselves for a change.
As someone tortured until I came out of my funk (deep depression) on my own, I am actually thankful the brute didn’t dare pretend to really love me any longer. It was my mistake for choosing the wrong partner in the first place, and what I know now will make me unstoppable for the rest of my life. Your partners need a hard reality to get that same traction.
Get your partners to temp agencies! I’ve been living off of temp work for nearly 4 years now. Sign up at multiple agencies – different agencies have different connections, clients, and specialties. Most also offer computer courses, etc. so that you can maximize your earning potential. Many offer part time or sporadic work in addition to longer term or full time assignments. Some have jobs geared toward working students, for 6 months last year I worked the 1-5PM shift. It wasn’t ideal but it payed my bills and allowed me time to work my second, contract job. Having multiple agencies is also great because you can take and leave jobs, I left the job with the 1-5PM shift to work a much higher paying temp job where for 2 months I worked 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, time and a half for overtime, and a $20 per diem for food. All of that I and didn’t have to interact with anyone but the other temp in the room. I sat in front of a computer redacting confidential information from client records.
If your partners are disheartened by the job search (I was and am), if they have trouble interacting with strangers (I had serious issues but have learned to act like I don’t), or think they don’t have the right skills (who does?) nudge them in the direction of temp agencies. They’ve been my lifeline for 4 years. I make enough between temping and my part-time catering work to support myself in NYC. If all you need is a little financial help to keep your households going I promise a little temping can go a long way.
There are ultimatums about the other person, and there are ultimatums that are self-focused. When I was in a similar situation, I chose the latter.
I sat down with my sweetie, and very lovingly said, “I want more out of this world, and out of my life partner. I’m not asking you to change, but I need you to know that if nothing changes, I will have to be the change. I owe it to myself to live my best life, and I can’t do that in our current situation.”
After months of saying “I want YOU to do x and y,” somehow reframing it made all the difference.
A little over a year ago, I found myself in a similar situation–in that I was at the end of the line with an underfunctioning partner. I had been supporting us financially for 10 years and finally decided to stop doing the job I hated in order to pursue a dream–one that didn’t financially support us. This was a silent ultimatum because it required him to step up and contribute. Instead, we went into foreclosure and got a divorce. I’m not sure I would have been able to make the hard decision were it not made painfully clear that he wasn’t willing to sacrifice anything for my happiness, as I thought I had been doing for him all those years. Fast forward: my new dream business is successful and my life is filled with people who know how to be supportive–both emotionally and financially.
HHHMMMM, I worked for 15 years as an advocate for people with multiple disabilities ( don’t like the word , but there it is). Although there were similarities in the predicament of both each “responsible” person, there were as many , or perhaps more, differences. I was extremely concerned by the first woman’s inaction. If she is not seeing a counselor or therapist , she should be. There are some readers who were not careful readers and applied their own situations to their response. This is a person who is seriously injured. It may be that school is a stretch for her. The behavior that the writer described is behavior that would have prompted a trip to the doctors for any of the people I used to care for. This is actually too much for the partner to handle alone. All of the loved ones in their lives should get together and help find the right therapist.If she is seeing someone, think about a second opinion.
For both jobless people , I think it may important to think in baby steps. My own husband with a Master’s Degree has been devastated by his job search. He is a scientist & has put forth hundreds of resumes. He found a temporary job, and we are thankful for that. This is the worst time for this situation.
So , think out of the box. What job would not be a job , but a chance to feel like your doing something good for someone else?
Your husband walks the dog? I made 50% more an hour walking dogs than I did caring for schizophrenics or providing hospice. And the perks -one golden retriever’s lunch time walk helped me shed 10 pounds in a month – when a year of post baby dieting did nothing. They love you. Talk about job appreciation! If you ” helped” someone who could not afford the 15 $ a day walk by doing it for less…. it starts out as a favor and can grow.
I used to houseclean for seniors for a discount. It was lovely – I felt good. I was treated like royalty, given homemade goodies & lunch was always provided. They worked with me. When I caught pneumonia one of hem dragged me to the hospital. I thought I was doing something for someone else- in the end it was the best job for me – for my soul. I felt needed and it led to me getting that advocate’s job with medical benefits.
If someone has the energy to keep the home going, the dog walked… a little stretch to bring in a little money running errands, walking dogs, tutoring, – it can be the stepping stone. It is money. It is a little step. It can be a gentler way of doing something. I have found that some people who are too inactive to something for themselves sometimes are able to show that gumption for others.
Good Luck to both Women
Another stunning and heartfelt column and string of replies.
I keep wondering, given the way the economy is going, if households will be returning to the single income household (despite cheers and urgings of our government to spend money to get the economy going) of my youth. Yes the ones who worked may have been envious of the ones who stayed home to take care of meals, housework, laundry, children, pets, mending clothes (!), tending gardens, and vice versa but people had to live within the incomes that one person could bring.
I remember reading a George Will column where he explained that women entered the workforce not because of a great liberation but because the value of the dollar dropped and it took more money to buy bread or essentials. That turned into the requirement that everyone own a home or have more stuff to help the economy. All the things that we need to have two wage earners (work clothes, transportation, child care, dog care, take home meals) also cost money.
However my heart goes out to the depression and lack of confidence that occurs when one cannot find work or cannot work in our culture.
We are all on hamster wheels and not by choice.
‘She’s emotionally fragile, due to years of social anxiety, sexual and emotional abuse from her father, and a recurring eating disorder’
I feel like this isn’t being given enough weight. Trauma of this kind can easily be severe enough to prevent a person from working. When the effects of an abusive childhood caught up with me, I couldn’t even hold down a retail job… I remember one day I was scheduled to work I just couldn’t get out of bed, and that was that. Flash forward five years, and I completed law school and held down an office job throughout it – BECAUSE I took time out to work through my issues.
I would encourage Responsible to give an ultimatum to her partner not to find a job, but rather to begin professional help to begin healing, so she can live a full and rewarding life.
In the short term, she may find that volunteer work (perhaps of a more solitary kind, like with animals rather than people) is a good way to reconnect with routine and responsibilities without the pressure of ‘holding down’ a job.
I want to offer some backing to the half halfheartedly proposed first path. To be perfectly honest, a year ago I would have been with you, Sugar, and said it probably won’t work. It can, within limits. Here’s how we did it, in hopes it might help the letter writers. Apologies in advance, this might get long.
I work very long hours in retail, even though I have minor social anxieties of my own, and stress issues. I return home emotionally and physically drained. I also have major problems with getting house work done, the gift of an overprotective OCD mother. My partner has serious social issues, agoraphobia, and other fun stuff, plus is a foreigner in my country and has only basic command of the language. The first step to stop the resentment and establish equilibrium was describing our situation as I just did, clearly and plainly and not through the lens of the anxieties and the resentment. Once we did, we realized that if I completely gave over all household duties to him (which I hadn’t before), we would both live better lives.
Once he actually came to accept that this was a JOB, he also started, like you said Sugar, to work harder then me. Our horrid mess of a house is a work in progress (that’s how bad it was) but it has never looked better, he has learned how to cook and loves trying out new recipes, and his self-esteem is building up with every day. He takes up more and more responsibilities now, took over the shopping and some of the bill paying, which means he takes money issues more seriously, he is even more emotionally supportive, and his anxieties are getting better. The house is now his kingdom, and he’s proud of his work. Now I get hell for not taking the garbage down, but I get to complain if lunch isn’t ready when I’m back from work. I get the help I needed, both practical and emotional, and he gets the praise and sense of achievement that he needed to started getting fueled back into living.
The next step is for him to bring himself to start seeing a therapist, like many people have mentioned. I am going to go out on a limb and say the letter writers might have also had problems convincing their other halves to get therapy. I know from myself (I used to not be functional either) how draining seeking the right therapist and undergoing therapy can be, especially when you have major issues and have had in the past many unsuccessful attempts at finding the right help. But now I can wait until he’s ready, because (a) his self-betterment is visible and I am comfortable allowing him his own pace and (b) now there’s two adults in the house, working together to keep these two adults and a small parrot family happy. We have been together for 10 years but for the first time we’re a team in all things practical and emotional, not just a couple in love. Money is tight, but we are happy.
Letter-writers: I got him to see the real picture and take action by talking rationally, plainly and firmly, without resentment or accusations. I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I hadn’t had therapy myself. I’m not suggesting you get therapy, just that you do some soul searching and calming down before you approach this. A fight won’t get you where you want to be. I’ve had those for 9 years. It was worth waiting, he is my soulmate. But I was done waiting and I’m grateful to now have an equal partner.
You aren’t alone and you aren’t helpless. This might work for you, or you might need to cut your losses, but you can only help yourselves by being honest about what you both need and how you could (BOTH) get it. You can’t help your spouses. They have to understand how things stand, and then decide to help themselves. Either way, I wish you both luck and love.
Oh yeah. I was married to a tenured professor for 25 years who taught two days a week. I worked two jobs, raised two kids, took care of the house, and went to school part-time. It took twenty years to get my degree. He, on the other hand, watched a lot of TV, gossiped on the phone about academia politics, and complained that we didn’t have enough money. When I would ask that he get a second job or start producing in his field, or even help around the house, he told me that he made more money than I did, so he shouldn’t have to. When the kids were grown, I left. The straw that broke the back was asking him to fix a toilet for two weeks, and he still get around to it. My family’s reaction was: what took you so long? My answer: the kids.
Isn’t a relationship supposed to be a partnership?
What Lin said. With people affected by serious mental illness, it is more difficult than most people imagine, and simple approaches often make things worse.
What has helped me over 11 years with someone who wasn’t working (and apparently didn’t want to work) was occasional conversations about dreams. It was vital for me to know that my partner wanted to succeed and to achieve, but couldn’t see how to start getting there. Even to admit that was heartbreaking for him, and those conversations happened only every couple of years.
Every now and then I would vent by saying ‘I just have to get this off my chest – I hate the responsibility of paying for both of us, even though I know you make a lot of other contributions’. That at least left him space to point out the things he did that kept our lives running smoothly and saved us money. As he gained confidence in supporting our partnership non-financially, he did more and got more confident.
After seven years I encouraged him into doing the degree he had always wanted to do. He graduated summa cum laude, found interesting intern work, and has just been offered the job he wanted since he was six years old. He is 42, and I can’t see how he could have got there earlier given his particular circumstances.
When we met I thought I would ‘fix him’ and have him in work within a year. It just doesn’t work like that, and neither leaving him nor setting him ultimatums would have helped in his case.
I think it’s important to remember that Sugar didn’t say the ultimatum had to be “get a job or get out.” She said the writers should figure out what they can and can’t live with and act accordingly. The ultimatum might very well be something like “I need to see you making real steps toward healing, because I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone who is willing to stay emotionally crippled. One of the signs of real progress will be that you actively look for work and you don’t lie to me about it.” Being unemployed is not shameful. Being depressed or the victim of a abuse isn’t either. Choosing to stay broken because some one else will carry you is shameful; it’s choosing to be a parasite from the person who loves you most.
I know that’s awfully harsh, but I’ve been unemployed. I’ve been depressed to the point where the only thing that got me out of bed was my cat’s need to eat. And before that happened to me, I watched my father struggle with years of unemployment and depression and serious medical problems. In fact, it was those years of watching my well meaning but co-dependent mother enabling my father while thinking she was being supportive/ loving/ Christianly forgiving that helped motivate me to get my own butt out of bed and eventually into therapy and medication.
The other thing that got me there was a friend who delivered the verbal kicking I needed to see outside my own depressive fog. She told me in no uncertain terms that she needed me to be there for her too and she was hurt and angry that I was a really unreliable friend. Again, sounds harsh. But what I heard was “you matter. Some one in the world cares if you live or die, so you’d better not let yourself die.” I’m a happier, healthier person for it today and she is still my dearest friend. That’s real love. Carrying someone so they don’t have to seek help and healing is ultimately the less loving option.
@misspiggy – my answer went up immediately after yours, so it looks like it’s meant as a direct rebuttal to what you said. Actually, it’s just a coincidence; your post went up while I was typing. I’m not calling you or anyone who sticks by a mentally ill person co-dependent; my own recovery has taken a long time and a lot of patience from people in my life. Your guy is lucky to have you and one of the proofs of that is that he is recovering; you’re helping him, not holding him down in his illness, while calling it support. Just thought I’d add that.
I think alot of these responses minimize what it’s like in the current economy. Finding a job can be near unto impossible. You are ‘underqualified’, because (despite your background, experience and degrees) there are so many people competing for jobs that employers can be super-picky, hiring only those who fit an extremely narrow and high-standards set of criteria. At the same time, you are ‘overqualified’ for any lower-level jobs, because there are many people who are competing for those jobs as well – people who do not have unrelated qualifications (for example, in NYC where I live, sitters and dog-walkers face the same competition as more high-qualified fields – so the sitters and dog walkers that get hired are the ones who have been ‘specializing’ in that area for a long time).
I’m not ignoring other issues, such as the fact that both people who weren’t working in the letters had other challenges, and both people were allowing other people to pay for their expenses – frustrating to the people who were doing the paying and supporting (obviously). I’m just pointing out that there is an external reality that no amount of motivation and therapy (or ultimata) can remedy.
– I’ve got a Phd and a MA-level counseling license and I’ve been unemployed for almost two and a half years. It’s hell.
What Miriam said. Additionally, Working for Two’s wife is pretty much unemployable, given her work record. The Responsible One’s husband may be as well. At the very least, after three years, it’s clear the job search tactics he used/is using need to change.
Both need therapy and counseling. Both probably would need it even if they weren’t unemployed.
I’ve been out of work about 18 months after 10 years at my last employer. I never would have guessed unemployment would be so hard on me emotionally. I never would have guessed it would last this long, either. Have there been weeks, maybe even months, when I’ve shut down? Yes. The tricky thing is that the results of my job search have been no different during the shut-down times as the go-getter times. (I’m now planning on a going back to school for a degree that’s about as far from my education and experience as it’s possible to be.)
It’s not just “tough out there” right now. As Miriam says, “It’s hell.” That’s true with a spotless work record and a perfect resume. If your’s isn’t perfect, well, believe me, there’s someone else whose is. It’s hard *not* to be depressed by that. It’s hard *not* to be depressed when you send out hundreds of resumes and applications and only two or three companies contact you at all, even if it’s just to say you were not chosen for an interview. It’s hard *not* to take that personally.
That doesn’t mean either of the letter writers or their spouses should resign themselves to their respective unemployed states. Each needs a plan, and a good therapist can help formulate that plan and make sure it is workable. Both of the spouses might very well be eligible (because of their diagnosed conditions) for special programs that can help them find suitable work, which the therapist should be able to put them in touch with.
Oh, this subject matter gets me so riled up, you have no idea. My ex-fiance was like this. Most of his friends were like this. One of my friends is married to someone like this. I finally came to the conclusion that disabilities aside, mental trauma, whatever the reason, it doesn’t really matter because some people just do not want to work for goddamned anything. And Sugar’s answer is perfect because it really does boil down to “leave, or accept that you’ve got a permanent stay at home spouse, whether you want that or not.”
And as others have pointed out, at least one of these people is pretty much unemployable even if she actually wanted to do the work of getting a job, so the first letter writer is really stuck there. My ex was unemployable like that too, and refused to do any schooling on top of that, so he qualified for nothing but the retail jobs he hated oh so much. I have to say that I am grateful as hell that he broke up with me (yes, HE did it, because I nagged him too much to work), because I couldn’t stomach actually marrying him while he wasn’t going to work. I could not take it. I didn’t trust him not to blow my entire paycheck in 12 hours either.
I want to know that someone can take care of themselves without me there to do it for them. I want to know that if I get sick and can’t work any more, we won’t end up homeless because the other person is completely unable to step up. Some people are okay with having a stay at home spouse and being the breadwinner for life, but I am a contingency planner and a clerical worker on top of that, so I sure as hell can’t (or can’t afford to) float someone else along for life and be happy with it.
I’m not saying these folks should leave, necessarily, since they are already married and all. But it really does boil down to leaving them alone or leaving. You can’t make the horse drink even if you force them down to the pond, and if they aren’t genuinely afraid of what will happen to them without a job…*shrug* Though if you do end up leaving, it has been my experience that my ex, and all his friends, and my ex-friends, and the friend’s spouse, have all managed to find someone else to sponge off of and have take care of them. Either a new SO will come along to float them, or their parents will. So don’t feel guilty that they’ll end up homeless– they’ll just find a new host.
Thank you, Jamie. Hugs to you and to everyone else who is out there in our shoes. My unemployment has run out and my savings will be gone as soon as I pony up for the rent (the person I’m renting from wants a year in advance – in NYC they can ask stuff like that for a good place in a good area). I’ll be left with enough to last a few months and then? ? ? Someone said something about a gig that would be around 10 hours a week – I haven’t heard back from them yet, but I’ll definitely take it. Any money coming in would be welcome. Yes, it is hell. You can’t imagine what long-term unemployment is like (esp when you are alone) unless you have lived through it (or in my case, in it – because it hasn’t ended yet).
I’ve been through this myself. It’s so true Sugar, so true. Leaving was the only way to put a fire under him, both of us have signifigantly changed and improved our lives since the split. Love isn’t always enough.
It’s up to each one of us to claim responsibility for our future, our wholeness and our health.
I was in a very similar situation with my (now) fiancee. Several years of supporting him while he was either unemployed or worked part time in minimum wage jobs. We talked about it over and over again with no change so I finally broke up with him. Told him I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t willing to be my partner. That got his attention!! He immediately tripled up on looking for a job and we worked it out. I still make more than he does (my skills are more marketable), but he is at least contributing now and knows that I am serious about it so I doubt we’ll have that issue again.
I seriously doubt that it would have worked out this way though (we’re getting married in a few months) if I hadn’t taken a hard line on it.
Just to say thanks to Sarah for her lovely comments. I hadn’t thought you were rebutting me, but I do very much appreciate the things you said. Having newly discovered Sugar’s column, I’ve been really impressed at the respectfulness and intelligence of everyone who comments.
My underperformer/millstone is my mother. In her early 70s, getting frail, a lifetime of personality disorders, alcoholism and a head injury 5 years ago and she simply can’t work. Social security pays the bulk of her bills, I pitch in, and her older brother helps out (in a passive-aggressive, the check is always late, sort of way). No savings, because, well, she was personality disordered alcoholic. Has let me down every time I’ve needed a parent, and yet, what can you do? You help out. Luckily she lives many states away, but it’s a challenge. Although I’m not a Catholic anymore, I do find Christ’s admonition that the poor are always with us very helpful. Just because I can function (and when needed, overfunction) doesn’t mean that the people who can’t function could if they really wanted to. There are always going to be people we need to take care of … (But I have to admit, an underperforming partner would punch every button I have, and I am grateful every day that Himself is the one person on this earth I don’t have to fix, or worry about that way. Took me decades, but I did finally find a partner who is solvent, and whose judgement and support I can rely on.)
I went through this for years with my ex-husband. I knew when we got married he couldn’t hold a job, but I kept thinking he would change. Finally when all the savings was gone, the nest egg my dad had given me spent, and I refused to go to my parents for anymore money, he left. I had a one year old and a four year old at the time. Surprisingly, since he left, without me to enable him, he has had 2 long term jobs. He has no choice. As for me, I have found I am so much happier without his passive aggressive ways, and poor me attitude. Sometimes what you think will be hell, turns out to be heaven wearing a black trench coat.
Years ago I was in this situation with my husband. He just could not decide what he wanted to be when he grew up. I supported him while he was working on a degree. He dropped out. He started on another degree. He never finished that. I demanded that he start earning, spotty at best. I was sort of able to do this for a while since I am a professional… then we had a baby (I was nearly 40 by that time) and I decided to scale back… looks bad, right? Well by the time our baby was 3 we were up to our eyeballs in debt, my husband was having severe mood swings and I was REALLY getting ready to bail…seriously. I gave him a REAL ultimatum because I was DONE. Over the years, sure I IMPLIED an ultimatum but this time the honeymoon was way over… so I demanded that he 1. Get real help for his mood swings with a psychiatrist ( I/we had been pretty anti-meds before then) and 2. Get and hold steady employment. Well bless his heart he did both!!! We discovered he had mild bipolar disorder and the meds have worked very very well for him. No more volatile moods… and he has had the same job for over 5 years now and though it is not super high paying it helps and he likes it pretty well too. We are out of debt now, his moods are stable, and things are mostly pretty good… Just saying that sometimes there is a happy ending to these messy scenarios.
@Charlotte
Thank you thank you thank you for your comment. I am at the tail end of a relationship with a man I love but can’t keep. Your comment about a dysfunctional mom has reinforced my understanding that I need a partner who can happily stand on his own two feet.
My partner D would qualify for depression-related disability — if it weren’t more than 10 years since D has been able to work. SSDI isn’t available unless you have a recent pattern of employment. Without it, you could be missing every body part without which life remains sustainable and you still wouldn’t qualify.
Thank you for you compassion, Sugar. This depressed, unemployed partner needed it today.
You poor, poor darlings. I feel for you both so much, and I hope since this column was originally posted, things have changed for the better for you.
I love Sugar’s respectful and honest approach: “I won’t live like this anymore. I won’t carry our financial burdens beyond my desires or capabilities. I won’t enable your inertia. I won’t, even though I love you. I won’t, because I love you. Because doing so is ruining us.”
I had a partner, for many years, who did paid work, but that was it. I fed, cleaned, educated and socially organised the children. I did all the housework, the gardening, the bill payments and worked part-time. I learned that it doesn’t take dramatic things like domestic violence or infidelity to break your heart and burn out your love – a lack of motivation and refusal to do the boring adult things can be so disrespectful and cut your confidence to the core too.
You clearly both love your partners – my ex-partner had loveable qualities too, but in the end I chose option B – and now I’m stronger. Now I take care of my children and myself, and I encourage them to contribute to our family life, because I sincerely believe that everyone in a home must do the work that MAKES it a home. Whatever your choices are, much love to you both.
I would just like to add that I completely agree mental health issues get in the way. Where people differ is in their personal response to those challenges. I sought help for my anxiety and depression, and while I still have to manage them, my life is so much more successful now – new qualification, new job, self-worth – it just keeps getting better 🙂 On the other hand, I tried to be understanding about my ex-partner’s anxiety, made all sorts of excuses about childhood experiences that led to his de motivation, but eventually simply couldn’t live with the chasm that grew from my determination to heal and his refusal to acknowledge that how he lives isn’t a very happy state of affairs. I think he’s still lonely and low, but NOTHING I have ever said or done has made the slightest impact on how he chooses to manage his own affairs.
“Choosing to stay broken because some one else will carry you is shameful; it’s choosing to be a parasite from the person who loves you most.” Thank you Sarah – I have never been able to forgive myself for breaking up my family, but you have at least articulated, better than I’ve ever been able to, why I couldn’t live that way!!
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