CUPID
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Cupid.
Cupid, or Saint Valentine as he is known, is the winged love-baby seen on Valentine’s Day cards and museum statues. I’m not 100% positive he’s a baby. In some renderings he looks more like a fat little man in a cloth diaper. If he’s the latter, that makes him a little less sweet and a bit more of a weird pervert.
Aside from being able to fly, his other super power is the ability to make people fall in love by shooting them with his magic love arrows. The arrows pierce the victim’s heart, which to me makes Cupid sound more like an assassin. I get the symbolism, but really? The heart? That’s just dangerous. Besides, I’m kind of surprised that his puny little arms can draw back the bow far enough to drive an arrow that deep. I guess that’s magic arrows for you. Even weaklings can shoot them.
I’m not sure how Cupid decides who will get to fall in love, because there’s this one guy at the library who looks like he could really stand to have some love in his life. Other than the love he seems to have for getting mad at the librarians when they charge him late fees, I can’t imagine he’s felt much else.
It’s ironic that Cupid himself is single. He could have literally anyone he wanted, from a celebrity to the President, or just a girl next door. Maybe it’s because he knows that a love he induced would be a lie. I wonder if centuries of seeing others fall in love might ever drive him to attempt suicide by archery. That would be a fitting end to Cupid – to die just as he begins to feel love for the first time.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing needle-nose pliers.
