THE TOAST I ATE THIS MORNING
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the toast I ate this morning.
This morning I had toast for breakfast. It was a little bit darker than I’d hoped for but still perfectly edible. When it popped out of the toaster I was surprised to see Jesus’ face on it. Then I wasn’t really that surprised because he shows up on toast all the time, so I just covered him in butter and jam and ate him up. He was delicious. It felt weird to be eating Jesus but I was too hungry to stop. I think he would have called that gluttony.
That was only the first piece of toast. The second didn’t have anyone on it. If I squinted and held the slice far away, it sort of resembled an elderly Mickey Mouse with a mustache. I put it back in the toaster for a bit to see if I could coax a better image out of it but I ended up burning it. What a disappointment.
Unfortunately, this review is about the toast, not the butter, so I can’t go into too much detail, but let me tell you: that butter was really good. So good that I relabeled the package to say “toast.” That way when I eat some of it by itself I don’t feel bad about myself.
I think Jesus didn’t like the idea of being digested because part of him clung desperately to my teeth. I didn’t find him until the afternoon, when I was flossing. I wasn’t sure if it was disrespectful to throw part of him away, but I also didn’t want to eat something that had been sitting in someone’s mouth for several hours. Gross. So, I put him in the freezer and figured I’d deal with him later. Maybe if I make croutons.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing sunlight.
5 responses
You shouldn’t feel strange about eating Jesus, it happens every Sunday in Catholic churches across this mundi!
Dear Brechett,
That’s a very good point, but now I feel guilty for not drinking any of his blood.
Your friend,
Ted
I think the only solution is to add wine to any future toast breakfasts. Just in case he shows up again.
Also, I read this while eating toast. It was like getting a live review of my breakfast, though mine had less Jesus in it.
G’Day Ted,
I note this week’s review was meant to be about acid (what about alkaline?). Not sure where toast fits in with acid, though my mate reckons that you may have “dropped” some before writng the review. Not sure what that means. He did give me something for my headache though. Shortly thereafter I saw Paul Simon in my museli, he sends his regards.
G
How about the readers you OFFEND by denying them Ted’s review?
How about the readers who find this censorship maneuver to be awfully CONTROVERSIAL?
Do you want us off the website as well?
Are we to give up on you?
Shall we just up and leave?
Shame on you, Rumpus.
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