A note to all acquisition editors, effective January 1, 2024.
Dear colleagues,
Thank you for your commitment to publishing more diverse stories and voices. Because of your efforts, we have successfully evolved from #WeNeedDiverseBooks to #WeHaveDiverseBooks to #MaybeLessDiverseIsOK. Some say we have taken diversity too far, while others say we haven’t taken it far enough. I say it’s both. As a publisher—but also as a man who has a mother and a Black colleague—I’m relieved to announce that diversity is done, and our publishing house will now focus on #PostDiversity.
Going forward, we expect you to build a list that is diverse but also:
1. Authentic. We will only publish books where nothing is appropriated. Every character will be exactly like the author — will be, as nearly as possible, the author themself — to ensure truth and authenticity. Men, for example, will not write about women. They can only get it wrong, and in trying they embarrass themselves. #PostDiversity leaves female characters to women writers; that’s why we have “Women’s Fiction.”
2. Relatable. Diversity’s not interesting if it’s not relatable. Therefore, all novels will be set in New York City. We will replace characters named “Mary”—very pretty, very virginal, lives in Iowa and dreams of a husband and motherhood —with “Mei Li”—very pretty, very promiscuous, lives in the Bronx and hunts for a husband or a wife while ambivalently considering motherhood. Protagonists will also have relatable careers. For example: (1) writer; (2) aspiring writer; (3) waitress who writes on the side; (4) office worker (e.g. architect).
3. Filtered through an MFA. We have long championed writers who have come out of the same MFA writing programs and write compelling narratives about what it’s like to be a writer who went through an MFA program. In #PostDiversity, this won’t change. Instead, we will streamline with an algorithm to delete submissions that don’t include “MFA,” “NYC,” and/or “Hello, I’m Nicole Aragi.”
4. American. We’re Americans selling to Americans. Our readers don’t want global diversity; they want American diversity. They want ethnicities who have a sizeable diaspora population in New York City. They want a good-looking foreign guy who flees his terrible, dirty, war-torn country and encounters racism in Nebraska but in the end loves the USA after moving to New York City. Are Americans incapable of relating to a non-American protagonist? Must every international story depict three generations of strong women, the last of whom is a happy American? In-house surveys say yes.
5. Food-based. As CEO I have two goals. Merge with every publishing house until we’re the last one standing, and publish more #DiverseFoods. I want focaccia in Tuscany. Strudel in Vienna. Some kind of dumpling, I don’t know, in China/Korea. Shared meals bring cross-cultural understanding, and that is how we, the publishing industry, contribute.
6. Profitable. Instead of contracting diverse human writers, we will use artificial intelligence to create stories with selling power. Once we have the base story in place (a hometown sweetheart; a family secret; a mystery in a delightful bakery), AI will tack on a diversity element—which is non-appropriative because AI is everyone.
7. Easy to shelve. Diversity will be its own genre, in its own part of the bookstore, away from literature. I’m thinking a shelf for gays, a shelf for theys, a shelf for white men processing racism. We can condense even more and have all diversities in as few books as possible, that way we only need one shelf. #DiversityEverythingBagel
8. TikTok. The best diverse books are videos.
9. Pronounceable. Readers get frustrated with our PC nonsense. The characters aren’t eating “quiche”; they’re eating eggs. I should never see a é ò ü ç etc. in a manuscript. And lastly, my personal pet peeve, Eastern Europe and all those weirdly-named countries that didn’t exist when I was in school. Just edit them out.
10. Visionary. To help you achieve #PostDiversity, we’ve just published my book, Post-Diversity: From Böb to Bob. Making the most out of the diversity revenue stream from an objective point of view. I encourage you to buy yourself a copy. Study it. Memorize it. Review it on Goodreads and Amazon.
In closing, thank you for your dedication to our singles-friendly, high-turnover, union-free company. Without editors like you and venture capitalists like me, the publishing industry would never have dared to be Post-Diverse.
Happy New Year.
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