“We liked this story! But it seems like editing it would be a lot of effort, you know?”
“Hey! This piece is great, but did you really think we were going to publish it? We are a serious magazine. Hilarious, though. So fun to read.”
“Thanks for checking in on your submission. We meant to reply, but we’ve been suuuuper busy. We won’t be taking your piece, we’re afraid, and honestly, we kind of figured you would get the picture when we didn’t write back the first time.”
“We know we’ve been soliciting your work for some time, but now that we’re rereading this story, we don’t really remember why we wanted it. Sorry! Send us something again soon.”
“Your piece was nice, but your cover letter sounded unenthusiastic. We wonder if you are only so-so about our magazine? After typing that, we think we are only so-so about your piece. Best of luck elsewhere.”
“Thank you for your enthusiasm about our magazine. But honestly that is kind of a turn-off for us. We’re passing, but let us know if this piece is accepted elsewhere; we may be interested then.”
“Our submission guidelines specify that we accept simultaneous submissions, but it’s been causing us a lot of anxiety imagining all the other magazines that probably want this story. Not that you’re publishing this story in those magazines. It’s just the thought, you know? Like, other publications have read it and think about it and want to read more of your work. Ugh. We just don’t want stories that attract that kind of attention.”
“Thank you for following up. Unfortunately, we can’t publish writers who follow up.”
“Just to clarify, when we said we ‘loved’ your story we meant, like, the way we love our grandmothers’ stories.”
“Your manuscript is perfect. We remember thinking to ourselves last week in bed, If only we could read the perfect story. Then we rolled over and read your manuscript and thought, Holy shit. It’s right here, in our beds. How did we get so lucky? That said, we’re a little concerned that if we accept it, you’ll see our whole editorial process. We can only offer two contributor copies, and the contract is kind of embarrassing. So we’re gonna have to pass. We hope you understand that your perfect manuscript cannot be tainted by publication.”
“Which was your piece again? We get 20,000 submissions a year, sorry! Hard to keep them all straight.”
“This magazine just needs to be alone right now.”
“We know we’ve been talking about publication for a while. We’re sure you could dig up an email promising to nominate your story for a Pushcart. But we guess we got a bit ahead of ourselves, and we took a different story while your Out of Office was up. Awkward! Our bad! We didn’t really want to tell you, but we figured you’d notice when the issue came out.”
“Per our last email, you know we love this story. We will always love this story. We memorized it so we can recite it in the office. We tattooed the last line on our wrists. We don’t want to publish it, though. Good luck submitting elsewhere.”
“We have your piece laid out for the upcoming issue, but we’re wondering if you’d like to withdraw it? Perhaps this difficult decision of yours will be the right thing for everyone.”
“We’ve decided against publication, but please do subscribe to our monthly newsletter. You’ll get regular updates about the pieces more suitable for the magazine. Thanks for your continued interest!”
“Hey, so, we are dealing with a lot of unknowns at the moment, regarding our office location and budget, and we’ve actually begun wondering whether we are capable of loving fiction at all. Have we ever truly loved anything we’ve published? Has anyone?”
“Thanks for submitting. We’re definitely rejecting it, but trust us, it’s totally totally our magazine and not your writing at all. We’re just in a weird place right now. One of our last writers was all set to publish with us and she withdrew her piece, right at the last minute, and that really stung, if we’re being honest. So while we like your writing a lot, we’re just not ready to publish your writing at this particular moment in time. Not that we’re hung up on this last writer or anything. We just think it’s best that we step back from stories and try essays. Or maybe graphic memoir. We really have no idea what we’re doing.”
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Rumpus original art by Natalie Peeples
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